Ramit Sethi on Wedding Spending: Spend Freely, but Know Why
I Will Teach You To Be Rich
Ramit Sethi, host of Netflix's "How To Get Rich" and author of I Will Teach You To Be Rich, reacts to several social media videos about wedding costs. The question he keeps returning to is why people spend what they spend on weddings. Sethi doesn't argue that weddings should be cheap. He says a wedding can be well worth a large sum. What he objects to is spending driven by social pressure, self-deception, or unexamined numbers. In his framing, the goal is to spend intentionally, whatever the amount.
He opens by describing how weddings distort money decisions. Couples don't want to disappoint their parents or look cheap in front of friends, so the budget keeps growing until they are paying for things they may not care about.
A $100,000 Wedding and the Phrase "I Don't Regret It"
The first video is a creator's full cost breakdown of a $100,000 wedding. It starts with a $7,000 custom dress, which the creator says they don't regret "a single cent" of, since they had dreamed of it their whole life.
Sethi focuses on the wording. He finds it telling that people describing their weddings so often say "I don't regret X," as if they are expected to apologize for the purchase. He compares it to his own shirt from Tokyo: he would never announce that he doesn't regret buying it, because if he regretted it he wouldn't have bought it or wouldn't be wearing it. He says the phrase is especially common among women and rarely heard from men. His advice is that if you can afford something and love it, you don't need to caveat it. He would rather hear why you love it.
Where the Instinctive "Ugh" Comes From
The breakdown continues: bridesmaid dresses from Birdy Grey at $450, a $20,000 venue, $7,500 in flowers. Sethi pauses to point out what he sees as a near-universal reaction in the Western world to itemized wedding costs, which is an instinctive feeling of disgust. He asks where that reaction comes from. His answer is that it didn't arise independently in tens of millions of Americans, especially men. He argues people in the U.S. have been conditioned to look down on certain purchases, often ones historically associated with women: weddings, handbags, self-care, Botox, massages, hair appointments. He notes that the men who call these frivolous rarely say the same about buying an F-250 pickup truck.
On the $20,000 venue specifically, Sethi says that's quite normal for a wedding. He describes a pattern he sees whenever wedding prices are discussed publicly: large numbers of commenters appear, "as if summoned by a bat signal," to say their own wedding cost a few hundred dollars and they are still married decades later. He says he has no problem with people who didn't prioritize a wedding, couldn't afford one, or preferred to spend elsewhere. He just finds the reflex striking. His view of the $20,000 is that if you can afford it, that's fine. The creator acknowledged it was exorbitant and was happy to pay it anyway.
Budgets Run About Two and a Half Times Over
The creator lists photography at $4,500 and makeup at $1,800. They then say the original budget was $50,000 and they went "a considerable amount" over. Sethi says this matches what he has found. He cites a figure from his book (chapter nine, he thinks): what couples actually spend tends to be about two and a half times their initial number. A couple who starts at $30,000 will, in his experience, end up over $100,000. He says couples get angry when he tells them this.
His response is practical. First, ask where the original number came from. Most people pick $10,000, $20,000, or $30,000 at random, without knowing what it costs to serve dessert, so their expectations may simply not match market prices. Second, once that's clear, either raise the budget or cut some of the things they assumed the lower amount would cover. Getting angry doesn't solve anything. He suggests the healthier stance is admitting you may have been out of touch with prices, which is understandable, and adjusting.
Asking Family to Contribute, Openly
The creator mentions that family contributed significantly, though the couple paid about 70% themselves. Sethi uses this to describe coaching a couple on his Netflix show who were getting married. He encouraged them to ask their families directly whether they'd like to help and what amount would be comfortable. He notes this was somewhat taboo in their Asian family, where much communication is unspoken, but the couple needed that clarity to plan the venue and wedding properly.
Sethi says he did the same with his own parents. He had been saving for years but knew they wanted to take part, so he told them he and his partner would love their help if they were comfortable, and asked what amount would work. He stresses he wasn't begging or expecting anything. He wanted to give them the opportunity. Their involvement went beyond money: they came to the tastings to advise on the Indian food. He says there are many ways for parents to participate, but you have to ask, and if they say no, that's okay.
A $10,000 Wedding That Looks Like $50,000
The second video is from a creator planning a wedding on a $10,000 budget who wants it to have the feel of a $50,000 wedding, which they describe as "champagne taste on a McDonald's budget." They've already been quoted $9,000 by some photographers. Their guest list is about 50 people. The venue will cost nothing because the wedding will be at their grandparents' house, with a big yard on the water, where they always pictured it. They plan to rely on thrifting and DIY projects, and to include their two standard poodles.
Sethi says he loves the video. He expects many people would dismiss the goal as naive, but he calls it courageous to state the budget and the aspiration up front and then figure out how to close the gap. He sees it as applying creativity and craft to create something magical, and repeats one of his core ideas: a rich life doesn't have to be expensive, and should first and foremost be meaningful. Some of his own best experiences, he says, happened at affordable places, because he was with loved ones or ordered something special to them. He says he expects the result to be great.
The Italy Story: Creating Something Together
To illustrate, Sethi describes taking his parents to Italy. He admits they splurged on the hotel, but says that was for him, not them; his parents didn't care about it. What mattered to them were experiences in Rome they had never had. His mother-in-law had never been to the Vatican, so they hired a private guide who got the group in early and explained things at a level everyone could follow.
They also booked a cooking class. A chef took them to a farmer's market, showed them how he chooses vegetables, and explained how Italians eat. Back in the kitchen they did the fun parts, a bit of pasta, flour on their hands, laughing because they didn't know what they were doing, while the chef handled the hard work. Sethi calls the meal they ate afterward one of the best they've had, not because it was expensive but because they made it together.
He connects this back to the DIY wedding. The couple isn't just ordering table flowers; they are creating a shared journey and vision. Framed that way, he says, cost stops being the main consideration, and the vision, collaboration, and connection come first.
"Deduct Your Wedding on Your Taxes"
The third video is a skit in which a couple, handed a $70,000 bill, says they'll deduct their wedding on their taxes. It claims you can deduct a venue if it's at a nonprofit such as a museum or national park, donate flowers and leftover food to a shelter, and possibly deduct travel for a destination wedding.
Sethi is openly frustrated. He compares it to calling an expensive handbag "an investment": you didn't buy a Birkin as an investment, you bought it because it looks great, so be honest about that. Nobody, he says, donates flowers for a write-off. He puts it in the same category as couples who say they've modeled in a spreadsheet how guest gifts will cover their costs.
His underlying objection is to people lying to themselves and others about why they spend. If you want to spend $5,000 on flowers because you love them, he says, do it and say so. He adds that belief in tax write-offs is wildly overstated online. People tell him he can write off his clothes because he's on TV, or his personal trainer. He says he can't, and pays for both himself. Some online sources claiming you can write off everything, including a Mercedes SUV, are outright lying, and others don't know better. Hosting a wedding because you want to is fine, he says; just don't pretend it's a tax strategy.
"The Best Money We've Ever Spent" and Sethi's Mixed Reaction
The final video is from a creator who had a three-day destination wedding. They insist it was "1000% worth it," the best weekend of their lives, and that on the last night they and their spouse agreed it was the best money they'd ever spent. Their reasoning is that money comes back when you go back to work, but time and memories don't. Some friends told them it was the best weekend of their lives too. They tell stressed couples it will all be worth it.
Sethi says his reaction is mixed. He agrees a wedding, especially one that matters to you, can easily be one of the best days or weekends of your life. It was for him and his partner, and if it isn't important to someone, that's fine too. He also frames it as a rich-life question: how many chances do you get to host a truly special event?
What he's "iffy" on is the implied logic that because it will be amazing, you should spend the money. He says spending has to come with discipline: make sure it fits your numbers, have a plan, run the numbers carefully, and add a 15% buffer. Do that and you'll be set. In his view, the people who end up with regret are the ones who treat "once in a lifetime" as permission to keep spending.
The Question to Ask: If More Here, Then Less Where?
Sethi closes by saying couples should spend much more time talking about the life they want after the wedding. He describes a "wedding vortex" in which the wedding becomes the only thing a couple thinks about for a year, and then they look up and find they've spent $28,000 more than planned, almost by accident.
His recommended question is: if we spend more on the wedding, where do we spend less? He says couples have to be able to answer it. The answer might be that the wedding matters more than a 14-day honeymoon, so the honeymoon becomes seven days, four days, or nothing. He leaves that choice to the couple. What matters in his view is deciding deliberately what their rich life together looks like, rather than letting the wedding decide for them.
Weddings change the way people think about money. Often there is a lot of social pressure. Nobody wants to disappoint their parents or look cheap in front of their friends. So the amount they spend keeps growing. Eventually, they are paying for things they may not even care about.
I'm going to show you how couples end up overspending on weddings. I'm going to show you what they regret later. I'm also going to show you what I think about spending a lot on weddings, which might surprise you. Let's get into it.
I spent $100,000 on my wedding and let's do a full wedding cost breakdown. Starting off strong, we have $7,000 for my dress. This is the dress in question. It was a custom. It's so big. Look at it. It's a custom Karen Willis Holmes dress. And I don't regret a single cent that I spent on it. I've been dreaming of that for my whole life.
Kind of peculiar that when people talk about their weddings and they're explaining it, they use this phrase, "I don't regret X." It's kind of telling, isn't it? You're expected to express regret over things. You think I regret spending money on this shirt from Tokyo? And would you even hear me saying, "I bought this shirt. I don't regret it"? It's not even in my vernacular, because if I regretted it, I wouldn't have got it. Or if I did, I wouldn't be wearing it. What?
Hey, everybody, especially women who this is predominant around, because you rarely hear a man saying this. You don't have to caveat your purchases, if you can afford it and you love it, by saying, "I don't regret it." I actually would much rather hear you tell me why you love it. The dress is beautiful. That's the kind of stuff I want to hear when it comes to you spending money.
Bridesmaids dresses were from Birdy Grey. They cost $450. My venue, Raven's Soul Estate, was $20,000. Flowers were $7,500.
I just want to pause and look at these expenses here. What I want to point out is that it is almost an axiom that if you are in the Western world and you look at these prices, which are quite clearly laid out, your first reaction is, "Ugh." Have you ever thought about where that comes from? That feeling that you should just instinctively be disgusted when somebody talks about how much their wedding costs?
Think about it, because it didn't just independently come up to tens of millions of Americans, especially men. It came up because we have been engineered, especially in the U.S., to look down on certain purchases. And they often are women's purchases. Things like weddings, things that are historically seen as women being the ones making them. Handbags, self-care, Botox, or massage, or getting your hair done. All these things that you'll often hear men describe as frivolous, but oddly enough, they will not describe their F-250 purchase as frivolous. Kind of weird, huh? Worth thinking about.
The thing that jumps out to me here is the venue, 20K. I don't know how many people, but for a wedding, that's quite normal. Whenever people talk about actual prices of a wedding, this very peculiar phenomenon happens, almost as if summoned by a bat signal. 3,000 people will come out of the woodwork and they will leave comments saying, "Ugh, outrageous! For our wedding, we served hot tamales and it cost $270 for 300 people and we're still married 30 years later."
And I'm like, that's great. I actually don't mind if a wedding was not important to you or you did not have the money for it or you just preferred to take your money and spend it elsewhere. Amazing. But it is quite peculiar that always, always, whenever you write about wedding prices, you will have tons of commenters doing the exact same thing. I don't mind. 20K, if you can afford it, great.
Is that an exorbitant amount? Yes. Was I happy to pay it? Yes. Did the flowers look beautiful? Yes. Photography, $4,500. Would have paid more for Hank Paul Photography. He was absolutely insane. Videography, Blake Kirby Weddings. He was a friend of mine. Honestly, slay. $1,800 for makeup.
I'm going to answer a question here as well that I know I'm going to get asked, which is, "Did you go over your budget and what was your original budget?" The original budget was $50,000. Okay. And we went over a considerable amount.
Hold on. She says, "We went over our budget." So I have found this to be totally true. Whatever people initially say they're going to spend on their wedding, I think the number that I found, I wrote it in my book, chapter nine, I think. It's like two and a half times higher than whatever they said. So if it's like 30K is the first number they pick, it's going to be over 100K. That's very consistent. They get mad when I tell them that. Okay. And I'm like, you can get mad or not.
But if you want to properly manage a wedding, a couple of things need to happen. Number one, where'd you get that 30K from? Or 20K or 10K. Most people just pick the number out randomly without even knowing how much it costs to serve dessert. And then so you may have unrealistic expectations.
And then second, you may want to either increase the amount you spend or you may want to compromise on certain things that you thought you were going to have for that lower amount. There are lots of different ways to do it, but in my opinion, getting mad is not really going to solve it. It's like, "Hey, I may have been out of touch with market prices." How would you know anyway? And then let's adjust to it effectively.
However, we also had family contribute a significant amount to help us pay for our wedding. However, again, we paid for, I believe it was 70% of the entire wedding.
Did family contribute to the wedding? That's cool. One of the couples that I worked with on Netflix, they were getting married. And one of the things that I coached them on was asking their family openly, "Hey, we would love it if you would be able to help. If you are, how much would be comfortable for you?" And in an Asian family, this was somewhat taboo because there's a lot of unspoken communication in Eastern cultures. But in order for them to actually plan their venue and plan the wedding effectively, it had to shine the light and actually just talk about it openly.
We did the same thing with our parents. With my parents, I had been saving for many, many years, but I also knew that they wanted to participate. And so I said, "We would love it if you could. If you feel comfortable with that, let me know what amount would be comfortable for you." And I wanted to shine a light on that. And I wanted to give them the opportunity. Not that I was begging, not that I expected it, but I know that if you're a parent, especially my parents, they want to participate and they may be able to participate financially. They came to our tastings to help advise on the Indian food. There are so many ways they can participate, but you got to ask. And if they say no, that's okay.
All right. I want to see what's next.
Planning a wedding on a 10K budget. Is this even possible?
Yeah. Already the answer is yes. It just may look different than you envision, but it's absolutely possible. There are plenty of people who have a wedding for far less than that, even today. Let's take a look. Just like to point out that her iPad in her hand costs $1,000.
Here's the kicker. I don't want it to look like it was $10,000. I want it to have the feel and vibe of a $50,000 wedding. For reference, here are the vibes. This is sort of everything I've saved on Pinterest so far.
Already, I love this video. I want to have a $10,000 wedding, but I want it to look like it's 50K. I think a lot of people would dismiss something like that. "Oh, so stupid. So naive." I love it. Have a vision like that. Then you can find out ways of effectively, economically making your wedding look more expensive. There are plenty of ways to do it, but I think it's really courageous to be right up front and say, "Look, 10,000 bucks, but I want it to look like it's a lot more expensive." Awesome. Let's figure out how.
Realize those are two very different price points, but I feel like I can emulate the vibe without spending all my money on one night and see how close we can stay within our $10,000 budget. Considering I've already been quoted $9,000 for some photographers.
My current guest list is right around 50 people, and I'm very lucky to start with my venue costing $0 because we're going to do it at my grandparents' house, which is where I always pictured it being. They have a big, beautiful yard. It's right on the water. I'm very lucky. I only did that starter budgeting off very strong. I feel like it perfectly adds that homey us feel that I want this to have.
I like to consider myself a very crafty person, so there's going to be lots of thrifting, DIYs, but I still want everything to feel and look expensive. I'm talking champagne taste on a McDonald's budget. So far, I've saved a bunch of intentional, but beautiful floral arrangements, lots of details involving my dogs because I have two standard poodles who will be involved. But I'm so excited to bring you guys along for the planning, the thrifting, the DIYs. So hopefully show you that you don't have to spend $100,000 to have your dream wedding too. Stay tuned.
I'm into this big time. To me, this actually is such a cool way of applying your creativity and your craft to creating this magical experience. Notice what I always say. A rich life does not always have to be expensive. A rich life should first and foremost be meaningful. So I have had some of the most rich life experiences at places that were quite affordable, but I was with loved ones or we ordered something really special that was awesome for us.
And I just love the energy here where she's like, "Look, I'm crafty and I saved a bunch of money on the venue and I'm going to make this feel like something that is a lot more expensive." Double thumbs up. I can't wait to see the end result. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome.
One rich life experience that I will never forget is when we invited my parents to Italy with us and we wanted to have a really beautiful time with them. So yeah, we splurged on the hotel, but that was not for them. They didn't care about that. I love the hotel. What they cared about was being able to have these experiences in Rome, which they had never had before. So for example, my mother-in-law, she'd never been to the Vatican before. So we got a private tour guide who arranged for us to get in early and could explain what we were seeing at a level that was understandable for the entire group. I love that.
Then you know what else we did? We did a cooking class. So a chef came and took us into the farmers' market and we picked vegetables and he explained how he chooses them and how Italians eat. We went back, we cooked it and it was the fun part of cooking. We did a little bit of the pasta and then they do the hard work, but all of our hands are, we have flour on it and we're laughing because we don't know how to do this. In the end, we're sitting out eating this meal and I have to tell you that was one of the best meals we have eaten. Not because it was expensive, because we created it together.
We created a journey together and that is what a rich life is with a wedding. This is a perfect example. You are not just ordering flowers for your table. You are actually creating a journey, a vision together. And if you think of it like that, then the cost becomes not the primary thing, but the vision and the collaboration, the connection, that becomes the most important thing. That is how I would think about it. Let's look at this next thing.
How to not pay for your wedding.
Hey, that was such a great ceremony. Here's your bill, $70,000.
Oh, we're not paying that. We're going to deduct our wedding expenses on our taxes.
What?
You can actually deduct things like your wedding venue if it's at a nonprofit organization like a museum or a national park. You can also donate your flowers and leftover food to a shelter. And if you have a destination wedding, your travel expenses may be deductible.
Okay, what the hell? This is a little outlandish and honestly a little frustrating. This is like the people who buy an expensive bag and then they go, "Yeah, but it's an investment." You didn't buy a Birkin bag to be an investment. You bought it because it looks awesome. Okay, just be honest about it. Please, can we stop with the bullsh--? You're not donating flowers for a tax write-off. That's insane.
And it also reminds me of the people who go, "Oh, yeah, I'm actually going to make all the costs back with the gifts that guests give me. Look, I already modeled it out in my spreadsheet." I'm like, "You're the cheapest f--k I ever met in my life." I don't like when people lie to themselves and also to other people about the actual meaning. If you want to spend $5,000 on flowers because you love them, do it. Just be honest about it. Don't deceive yourself into thinking it's actually a tax write-off.
The amount of people who think that tax write-offs are applicable for everything is crazy. People go, "Ramit, you're on TV all the time. You can write off your clothes." No, I can't. I can't write off my clothes. I pay for these out of pocket. "Hey, Ramit, personal training. You can write that off." No, I can't. I pay for that too.
So all these ideas of people who go online and tell you, "You can write this off and you can write that off. And if you get this Mercedes SUV you can write that off too," you have to realize some of them are outright lying to you. Some of them don't know any better. You're hosting a wedding because you want to and you love it. There's nothing wrong with that. Do not deceive yourself and others into thinking it's a tax write-off.
What if I were to ask you today, what are the three key steps you can take so that you will have $100,000 invested? Would you know the answer? A lot of people would just say the same thing they've been doing. "We should probably cut back on coffee." "Okay, how's that going to turn into $100,000?"
If you are ready to stop focusing on these tiny little things that don't really work in the grand scheme anyway, then the approach is to focus on getting to $100,000 invested. Because once you have $100,000 in your portfolio, you can see compound interest working and you can realize how long it's going to take you to turn to $200K, $500K, $1 million, $1.5 million. The numbers start to become inevitable, not a dream.
That is why we created Road to $100K. Inside of Road to $100K, you're going to understand exactly where you stand today. You will know the month and year that you will have $100,000 invested and a step-by-step plan of how to get there. You're also going to get access to live coaching, including from me, and a community of people who are working on the same goal so you can share all of the things that are working and avoid the mistakes that are not.
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If you're wondering if it's worth it, a whole big wedding, planning a wedding, all the time, energy and money that you put into one weekend of your lives, I'm going to confirm to you that it is 1,000% worth it. It was the best weekend of our lives, the best weekend of our lives. It was worth every dollar. It was worth every hour. Every single thing that we ever wanted and more.
And it was right after the wedding, after all three days of—we had a destination wedding. After all three days of events were over, we're going to bed and we looked at each other and we're like, "That was the best money we've ever spent. The best money we've ever spent, hands down." Because at the end of the day, the money will come back. You will go back to work. You will work and you will make more money. And the money will come back. But the time and the memories will not come back. That is something that you get to keep for forever.
And we just had the best weekend of our lives with one another, our family, our friends. And some of our friends even said it was the best weekend of their lives. So if you are hitting a crossroad in wedding planning and you're driving yourself crazy or you're getting frustrated, just remember that I promise you it will be worth every single time.
I have mixed reactions about this video because I agree that having a wedding, especially if it is important to you, can easily be one of the best days or weekends of your life. It certainly was for us. And if not, that's okay too. In a rich life, you have to ask yourself, how many opportunities do you get to have a truly special event?
The part that I'm a little iffy on is this idea that, "Hey, let me just remind you, this is going to be so awesome. And so therefore you should spend the money." No, we've got to be disciplined about the money as well. You can spend money, but you need to make sure that it's hitting your numbers, that you have a plan, you've run the numbers carefully and added a 15% buffer. If you do all those things, you're going to be set.
It is the people who just go, "Oh, this is going to be once in a lifetime. Let's just spend, spend, spend, spend, spend." They're the ones who end up with regret. It can be an amazing time. Decide for yourself, but make sure you run the numbers.
I think couples should spend way more time talking about the life they want after the wedding, because it's easy to get sucked into this wedding vortex, where it's the only thing you are thinking about for an entire year. Suddenly you look up, you spent $28,000 more than you thought almost by accident.
So this is why I like asking this question. If we spend more on the wedding, where are we spending less somewhere else? And you've got to be able to answer it, because maybe the answer is, we care about this wedding more than taking a 14-day honeymoon. So we're going to make it seven or four or not take one at all. That's up to you. The important thing here is deciding intentionally what your rich life together looks like.
If you want to get better at making those decisions with money, go watch this video, "How to Have Better Finances than 95% of People in Three Months," right here.
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