Why Some People Won't Open Up: Matthew Hussey on Vulnerability, Rejection, and Being Received
Matthew Hussey
Dating coach Matthew Hussey opens with a complaint he hears constantly. It comes mostly from women about men, though he says it "can be gender agnostic." Someone meets a great person and things are going well, but the conversations stay on the surface. The partner won't go deeper with their feelings and sometimes can't even recognize their own emotions until someone points them out. Hussey's question is what men actually fear about opening up, and what makes emotional availability more likely. He says the video is personal because "in some ways I was this guy." He contrasts two moments from his own life: one where opening up turned him off to the woman he was seeing, and one that drew him in so far that he eventually married her.
The First Story: "I Find That Really Unattractive"
Years ago, Hussey says, he told a woman about an insecurity he had been bottling up because he feared it would make him less attractive to her. Her reply was: "I find that really unattractive." He says it hurt badly, and he had no idea what to do with the hurt, because he could never bring it up with her now.
He describes the lasting lesson as a "strong association" that opening up meant losing his power. He connects this to what many people enjoy about early dating: "how bulletproof we get to pretend to be."
The Second Story: Jealousy, a Ruined Lunch, and a Different Response
Many years later, he was dating someone who mentioned another man during their early dates in a way that triggered his jealousy. Looking back, he says the comment made him feel threatened and afraid. At the time, though, all he registered was indignation that she might still be attracted to "this tall, handsome, successful rogue from the past." He jokingly calls the man a "smoldering Flynn Rider or whatever his dumb name was." Because of the earlier experience, he had decided he would not give up his power by talking about it.
So, in his self-mocking words, he "did what any smart person would do": he became moody and quiet and ruined lunch. He then spent a couple of hours "gaslighting her" by insisting nothing was wrong. Eventually they fought, and she told him he was being grossly unfair in how he treated her. He called a friend he knew would take his side, and the friend's advice was, "Fuck that shit."
What stayed with him was how reasonable she had been. She told him it was unfair to take his feelings out on her, but she wasn't mean or shaming. He began to worry that he might be sabotaging a good thing.
When they met again that night, she asked, "What's wrong? Talk to me." This time he told her how her comment had actually made him feel. He describes an instant "vulnerability hangover," the feeling of "What the hell have I done?" His reaction was to go cold again, which he calls embarrassing. When she got him talking once more, he explained his fear that now he had said these things, they would change how she saw him. Then he got angry again. He was angry first at her for "compassionately creating a space for my real feelings to come out," and then at himself for "foolishly falling into the vicious web of her empathy."
Her reply, he says, instantly brought them closer and remains "one of the most healing moments in any relationship in my life." She told him she didn't find him any less sexy. She said his vulnerability didn't negate all the moments when he had been strong or in control, and that if anything it made her feel closer to him, which she loved. That woman is now his wife, Audrey.
Hussey stresses that the happy ending was not a given. If he had been unable to share what was really going on, or if she had met his vulnerability with shame or judgment, "we would both have sabotaged our futures that day."
Safe Sharing Versus Real Vulnerability
In hindsight, Hussey says, he never thought of himself as emotionally unavailable. Yet most of what he shared was safe and comfortable for him, even when it looked vulnerable from the outside. He compares this to a successful businessperson telling their rags-to-riches story. That isn't really a story of vulnerability. It's "a hero's journey story about how awesome they are." Real vulnerability is frightening, he argues, because we don't know whether the other person will still accept us after we've said it.
He believes most of this guardedness isn't conscious: "We eat, we breathe, and we keep our scariest thoughts to ourselves where they belong." He says it is especially widespread among men who believe that if a woman really knew them, they wouldn't be accepted at all, "let alone adored." Such men keep lifting weights, climbing status ladders, and using stoicism as an excuse not to have feelings. By his account, they have concluded that while women may say they want an emotionally available man, they don't have the capacity to receive one.
As evidence that this fear comes from experience, he cites a Reddit thread asking how often opening up to a girlfriend or partner had actually ended badly. Many responses said "every time." One man wrote that many women he had dated had received it "with hostility or straight up told me that they couldn't see me as a man anymore." He had opened up about depression and anxiety.
Advice to Men: Own Your Vulnerability
Speaking directly to men, Hussey says the right relationship lets you be vulnerable without your partner losing attraction to you. He adds a caveat. This doesn't mean being an emotional burden every day. In his view, women want to feel they are with someone resilient and strong, who can lead, be decisive, and take charge when the moment calls for it.
The counterintuitive point he makes is that one of the most attractive things a man can do is own his vulnerability. When someone fails you in a vulnerable moment, don't let it wound you. Use it as a moment to stand up for yourself. He offers sample wording: "Hey, that sucked for me the other day when I shared that with you and you reacted how you did. I'm a strong person, but I have to be able to share myself with you, especially when I need support. I'm there for you in those moments. I deserve for you to be there for me, too."
He also gives men a way to interpret being closed off with a partner. It may be a sign to work on accepting more of yourself, which he says will ironically make you more attractive. Or it may be a sign that you are in a relationship where your true self isn't welcome, "in which case it's not worth it."
Advice to Women: Understand Where It Comes From
For women, Hussey suggests a gentle way to receive vulnerability: try to understand where it comes from for him instead of judging it on the surface. Looking back at people he judged while dating, he often thinks, "Oh, they weren't crazy. They had been through something in their life." In some cases, he realizes they weren't acting jealously at all. "I was a shitty person to date whose behavior didn't make them feel secure."
A brief off-camera exchange follows. Someone brings up his "rat queen story," which involved a woman who kept rats as pets. Hussey says that at the time he just felt it wasn't for him, and he agrees it was "very judgmental." He jokes, "Not a day goes by when I don't think we could have worked," and the other voice quips, "He says to his six-month pregnant wife."
"It's Okay to Be Many Things"
Hussey says one of the most healing things a man can hear is that he is allowed to be many things at once. A partner can love the leader in him, "the primal caveman he can be in the bedroom," and the way he makes her feel safe. She can also love the part of him that struggles, that felt insecure about something today, or that is anxious about life right now. The point, echoing Audrey's words, is that one doesn't negate the other.
When His Struggles Become Too Much
He then addresses a specific objection. Some women want an emotionally open man but can't be his only source of emotional intimacy, because it makes them feel like his therapist or his mother and kills their attraction. His advice is that if a man goes into insecure, anxious, or depressed states so often that it affects the relationship or her attraction, she should frame the conversation around what she needs.
He contrasts two phrasings. The one to avoid is: "This depressed, anxious state you keep going to is weak and it turns me off." The one he recommends is along the lines of: "Hey, I'm also a person who gets tired and scared and anxious sometimes and needs support and I need my man." He adds that the most important part is saying she needs him to take a break from those states sometimes, "because I need my teammate today or this week or this year."
He explains why the wording matters. It doesn't put her above him as someone who has everything figured out and looks down on his "pathetic states." It positions them as teammates. In his view, it is much more motivating for a man to hear he is being a bad teammate than to hear he is an unattractive man. The first makes him want to show up for his partner; the second makes him feel he isn't enough.
He adds two limits. Someone struggling in an ongoing way may still need therapy or coaching. And if the burden of the relationship keeps falling on one partner, "there is no shame in accepting that you need to move on."
Closing: The Raw Parts Beneath Confidence
Hussey ends by noting that someone who seems confident all the time may be alluring in early dating, but that doesn't mean they lack raw parts. They may just be too afraid to accept those parts in themselves. That, he says, is why encouraging and accepting vulnerability matters. He also suggests that if you are lucky enough to find a man who is already vulnerable "in the right way," it's worth considering how much time and energy he has already saved you, how much more honest the relationship is, and how much more intimate it may become over time.
He invites viewers to share in the comments whether they have struggled to receive vulnerability and how they have changed. He asks men in particular to describe how women have reacted when they opened up.
One of the biggest issues I hear about dating today is the epidemic of emotionally unavailable people flooding the dating market. I particularly hear this from women who say it about men, but it can be gender agnostic. The complaint goes like this: "Matthew, I have met a great guy. We are getting on well, but the conversations stay surface level. I can't seem to get him to open up or go deeper with his feelings. He can't even process and register his own emotions until I point them out to him. I just want him to be vulnerable. Why can't he do it?"
This video is going to show you exactly what men fear in opening up and how to increase his chances of becoming more emotionally available and building a long-lasting relationship with you. It's also a bit of a personal video because in some ways I was this guy, and I had one experience in my life where opening up completely turned me off to the woman I was seeing and another completely different one that drew me in to the point where I eventually married that woman. We're going to talk about the difference between those two moments today.
If you are new here, I'm Matthew Hussey, and I've been helping people find love for almost 20 years. I've also written two New York Times bestsellers on this subject. Don't forget to subscribe and like this video, and let's get right into it.
Many years ago, I opened up to a woman about an insecurity I had been bottling up for fear of it making me less attractive to her. Her response when I finally said it: "I find that really unattractive." She actually said that, and it hurt so bad. And I had no idea what to do with that hurt because there was no way now that I was bringing that hurt up to her. It created this strong association for me that opening up meant losing my power. I think that's what so many of us love about early dating, is how bulletproof we get to pretend to be. So that situation went horribly.
Flash forward to many years later when I was dating a different person who, in the course of our early dates, mentioned another guy in a way that triggered my jealousy. Looking back, it made me feel threatened and afraid. But back then, all I registered was, "How dare she still be attracted to this tall, handsome, successful rogue from the past?" And I knew that this time I would not give up my power by talking about it. And I didn't want to give this smoldering Flynn Rider or whatever his dumb name was any power over me. So I did what any smart person would do. I became moody, quiet, and I ruined lunch.
Then after a couple of hours of gaslighting her about there being absolutely nothing wrong with me, we eventually fought, at which point she told me I was being grossly unfair for how I was treating her. Then I called a friend who I knew would tell me I was right to be mad, and his advice was, "Fuck that shit." But here was the problem. I couldn't get out of my head how reasonable she had been. Sure, she told me it was unfair of me to take my feelings out on her in that way, but she wasn't mean. She wasn't shaming. And I started to get in my own head thinking that this was a situation where I might be in danger of sabotaging a good thing.
When we met up again later that night, she said, "What's wrong? Talk to me." This time, I shared how her comment actually made me feel. And have you ever had a vulnerability hangover instantly where you thought, "What the hell have I done?" Because that was me. And my response was to go cold all over again, which is embarrassing. But then when she finally got me to talk, I explained that now that I've said these things, it is going to affect how she sees me. And then I got mad all over again, first at her for compassionately creating a space for my real feelings to come out, and then at myself for foolishly falling into the vicious web of her empathy.
But what she said next instantly brought us closer together and to this day remains one of the most healing moments in any relationship in my life. She said that she didn't find me any less sexy, that it doesn't negate all of those moments when I was strong or in control, and that if anything, it just made her feel closer to me, which she loved. If you couldn't tell, and you're still wondering, this person is now my wife. Her name is Audrey. But nothing about that happy ending was a given. Had I not been able to share what was really going on with me, or had she responded to my vulnerability with shame or judgment, we would both have sabotaged our futures that day.
Are you seeing someone right now who's self-sabotaging because their emotional unavailability is stopping them from fully committing to you? Maybe when it comes to conversations about where it's going, it's like pulling teeth, and there is so much resistance to calling it a relationship. I have a free video training download that shows you exactly what you can do in a situation like this. I had my own mental roadblocks when it came to commitment, but the way that me and Audrey talked about them was responsible for getting me out of my own way. This video is going to walk you through exactly what that conversation looked like, get you out of situationship limbo with someone and into exclusivity, even if the conversation has gone badly with them when you've tried to have it before. You can check it out and download it for free at LeaveLimbo.com.
In hindsight, I never thought I was emotionally unavailable. And yet, the things that I shared most of the time were safe and comfortable to me, even if they looked vulnerable from the outside. It's a bit like when someone who's made it in business tells you of their rags-to-riches story. It's not really a story of their vulnerability. It's a hero's journey story about how awesome they are. Real vulnerability scares the [__] out of us because we don't know if someone's going to accept us after what we've just said.
Now, most of this guardedness isn't conscious. It's just part of life. We eat, we breathe, and we keep our scariest thoughts to ourselves where they belong. This is rife among men who believe that if a woman were to really know them, they wouldn't be accepted at all, let alone adored. So they keep lifting weights, climbing status ladders, and using stoicism as an excuse not to have feelings about things. These men have decided that while women may say they want an emotionally available man, they simply do not have the capacity to receive one.
In one Reddit post, someone asked, "How often has opening up to your girlfriend or partner actually ended badly?" Many of the responses said, "Every time." One response read, "Many women I've dated in the past have received it with hostility or straight up told me that they couldn't see me as a man anymore." This was in response to him opening up about his issues around depression and anxiety.
If you're a man and you're watching this, please know that the right relationship is one that allows you to open up and be vulnerable with your partner without them losing their attraction for you. And this doesn't mean that we go into every day of our relationship being an emotional burden to our partner. Women want to feel that they're with someone who's resilient and strong and can lead and be decisive and take charge in life when the timing calls for it.
Ironically though, one of the most attractive and counterintuitive things we can do as men is actually own our vulnerability. That means instead of letting it wound you when someone fails you in a moment of vulnerability, use it as a moment to stand up for yourself. Tell them, "Hey, that sucked for me the other day when I shared that with you and you reacted how you did. I'm a strong person, but I have to be able to share myself with you, especially when I need support. I'm there for you in those moments. I deserve for you to be there for me, too."
If you, as a man watching this, find yourself being closed off with a partner, it can either be a sign to work on accepting more of yourself, which ironically will make you more attractive to the person you're with, or it could be a sign that you're in a relationship where you can't be your true self because it's not welcome and accepted, in which case it's not worth it.
For the women watching, a gentle way to receive vulnerability is to understand where that comes from for him rather than simply judging it on the surface level. When I look back in my life at people I judged when I dated them, I often think, "Oh, they weren't crazy. They had been through something in their life." And in some cases, I realize, "Oh, they weren't acting jealously in early dating. I was a shitty person to date whose behavior didn't make them feel secure."
You once shared the rat queen story, but that's actually a pretty big thing. So I get that.
She kept rats as pets, and I, for whatever reason at the time, was just a bit like, "Oh, I don't think this is for me."
That's not petty. That's like—
It was a bit—it was very judgmental.
It was judgmental.
Not a day goes by when I don't think we could have worked.
He says to his six-month pregnant wife.
One of the things that's incredibly healing for a man to hear is that it's okay to be many things. You love the leader in him. You love the primal caveman he can be in the bedroom. You love the way he makes you feel safe in life. But you also love the part of him that struggles sometimes or felt insecure about something today or who feels anxious about life right now. And one doesn't negate the other.
Now, if you're a woman who's watching this and you're thinking, "I want a man who's emotionally open, but I can't be his only source of emotional intimacy. It makes me feel like his therapist or his mom, and it kills attraction for me." Here's what I'd say. If he goes to insecure, anxious, or depressed states so regularly that it's affecting your relationship or even your attraction for him, frame the conversation in terms of what you need.
In other words, you don't say, "This depressed, anxious state you keep going to is weak and it turns me off." You say, "Hey, I'm also a person who gets tired and scared and anxious sometimes and needs support, and I need my man. Most importantly, I need you to take a break from those states sometimes because I need my teammate today or this week or this year."
Here's what's special about this language. It doesn't position you above him as a person who's got it all figured out and is looking down on his pathetic states. It positions you as teammates. It is much more motivating for a man to hear that he's being a bad teammate than he's being an unattractive man. One makes him want to show up and be there for his woman. The other makes him feel he's not enough for his woman.
None of this means that someone who's struggling in an ongoing way shouldn't seek therapy or coaching. And if the ongoing burden of the relationship is continuously weighted towards you, there is no shame in accepting that you need to move on. Just remember, someone who appears confident all the time may be alluring in early dating. But that doesn't mean they don't have raw parts. They might just be too afraid to accept those parts in themselves.
Which is why A, encouragement and acceptance of vulnerability matters, and B, if you're lucky enough to find a man who's already vulnerable in the right way, it might be worth considering how much time and energy that man has already saved you, how much more honest it is, and ultimately how much more intimate that relationship may turn out to be long term.
Let me know in the comments if you have struggled to receive vulnerability in the past, how you've changed or evolved today, and if you're watching as a man, how women have reacted to your vulnerability in the past. I'm really looking forward to reading your comments. I'm looking forward to responding to your comments. I've been investing a lot of time this year in being in the comment section with you guys and being part of the conversation, which I'm loving. And I'm looking forward to seeing what conversations sprout out of today's video. I'll see you in there.
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