Emotional Availability in Early Dating: Why Fireworks Aren't the Green Flag
Matthew Hussey
Dating coach Matthew Hussey starts from a problem he says trips many people up. In the first weeks or months of dating, it is hard to tell whether someone's interest is real or driven by something unrelated to you. His position is that the signals people usually trust, such as intense attention, open declarations of feeling, and eager planning, say surprisingly little about where a relationship is headed. He offers a different set of green flags to watch for instead.
Attention Is Not Intention
Hussey lists several motives that can drive early interest having nothing to do with the person being pursued: lust, looking for a rebound after heartbreak, or ego, the wish to see "if they can get you." He cautions against treating everyone driven by these motives as a calculating bad actor. Some are, he says, but others aren't even aware of what is driving them. So asking them directly wouldn't get you the truth, because they don't know it themselves.
For this reason, he argues, behaviors like being open about feelings, eagerly setting up the next meeting, and planning "fairy tale like dates" are not strongly correlated with how good a future relationship will be, or whether one will happen at all. He calls the underlying mistake a classic one: "mistaking someone's attention for their intention."
He also reverses the usual story. In his view, some of the best relationships burn more slowly, start with less certainty, and even involve more friction. Some of the worst start "like a perfect Disney movie with fireworks." That is why he finds early emotional availability so hard to read.
Why Love Bombing and Real Interest Look Alike
Hussey says love bombing and genuine interest can look "eerily similar" at first. Often only the aftermath shows which one it was. A love bomber can send flirty texts, listen to your wants and needs and meet them, talk about the future, and tell you how special you are.
He describes the conflicting advice people get from friends. Cautious friends call this behavior love bombing because "he's doing too much." Hopeful romantics take it as proof of the saying "if men wanted to, they would." Hussey's point is that both readings rest on the same surface behavior, so it is hard to know which voice to trust. His green flags are meant to look past that surface.
Green Flag One: Reciprocity and Momentum
The first sign is a reciprocal back-and-forth that keeps moving between dates. His counterexample: you go on incredible dates, then hear nothing for a couple of weeks until it's time to set up the next one. He calls that a loss of momentum. If you have been the one texting between dates to fill those gaps and the interest hasn't come back, he reads it as a sign the relationship may be one of convenience, or a way of filling a void unrelated to how interested they are in you.
His positive examples are specific:
- If you text first, do they keep the exchange going?
- If you say you'd like to see them again, do they set up the next date?
- If you say you prefer calls to texts, do they actually call?
When these things happen, he treats it as a sign the other person's intentions match yours.
He also names an internal cue. With real reciprocity and momentum, you feel comfortable sharing how you feel and safe to state your needs, instead of feeling anxious and confused. He says emotionally unavailable people routinely make others feel that way.
Hussey admits this cue is complicated, especially for anxiously attached people. It is hard to tell whether the problem is you or them, whether your anxiety is picking up something real about their intentions, or whether "our nervous system [is] playing tricks on us." Because availability or unavailability often only becomes clear in hindsight, he says it is hard to trust yourself. And when people do speak up, they want to do it from strength rather than from insecurity or neediness they later regret. He acknowledges the video can't be one-size-fits-all on this point.
Green Flag Two: It Feels Safe to Communicate Needs and Feelings
The second sign is how the other person reacts when you raise a need. With an emotionally available person, he says, their response doesn't leave you thinking "what have I done?" or make you afraid to bring something up next time.
He gives the example of a member of his Love Life community. She was dating a man who never texted her during the day. When she raised it, he said he couldn't give her what she needed and ended things. She instinctively regretted saying anything. Hussey argues she had no reason to, because she hadn't lost the right person.
With someone emotionally available, he says, raising an issue productively becomes a conversation, and it can go one of three ways:
- They understand and change their behavior.
- They meet you somewhere in the middle.
- If they can't do what you're asking, they tell you in an authentic, compassionate way that makes sense and doesn't make you feel terrible for mentioning it.
What doesn't follow, in his account, is withdrawal. You don't feel punished, and they don't use your request as an excuse to "blow things up" while leaving you to torment yourself that it was your fault. His test: if you are beating yourself up for pointing out something minor that ended the relationship, the failure wasn't yours. The other person was emotionally unavailable.
Green Flag Three: Acceptance Without Judgment
Hussey calls the third sign "a deeper one to reflect on." Emotionally available people create "a culture of acceptance from the beginning," where you feel safe not being perfect. Emotionally unavailable people, he says, often create the opposite: a sense that you can't safely be yourself.
He lists how this can feel. You might feel judged with contempt. You might feel you have to perform to fit their idea of a great partner, or of the kind of past that partner should have. You might feel parts of you are "too much": too sensitive, too emotional, too demanding, "because God forbid you'd like to hear from them once a day." Or you might feel you're not enough. His comic example is preferring slow Saturday mornings in bed to "a 6:00 a.m. gratitude session followed by a quick Ironman and a breakfast cold plunge."
If someone keeps judging you or picking at your lifestyle, he recommends saying so directly. Tell them that whatever expectations they have for a partner, you are happy and comfortable with who you are. Point out that you are not judging them at every turn, and not because they are perfect, since they aren't. The choice you're offering, in his framing, is to either commit to seeing the best in each other, as you already do with them, or accept that you aren't right for each other.
He says this conversation does two things. First, it shows you don't judge yourself for what they're criticizing, so being judged for it feels strange to you. He sees that as a powerful display of self-acceptance. Second, it shows you accept them despite their flaws. He stresses this doesn't mean worshipping them. You see them clearly but apply "a generous lens." He calls that rare and says most smart people won't want to lose it. Behind it is a standard: you know what this kind of love is worth, so if you're staying, you expect the same in return.
The Myth That Green Flags Are Decisive
Hussey calls one misconception "very important": the idea that green-flag people show up as decisive. He says emotionally unavailable people can be "incredibly decisive in the beginning." Meanwhile, people who are right for you, and with whom you could build something long-term, may at times seem indecisive, hesitant, and unsure.
He takes on common advice about men, such as claims that men put a woman in the "girlfriend" or "hookup" category right away, or that "when men know, they know." He calls these gross oversimplifications that "give way too much credit to men." His counter is that most people, of any gender, are unsure what they want and need in life. Few know at the start what will make them happy in a relationship, and early dating is often driven by emotion, dopamine, and lust.
So he redefines the green flag. It is a person who is open to new ways of being happy, open to change, and willing to grow. They may not be the most confident person you've met, and their communication may be imperfect. He says many people don't know what they want until they experience something healthy. Green flags are people who can be shaped by emotionally available communication and who "rise to the level of an amazing relationship once they are presented with one." Unavailable people, by contrast, are rigid, show little desire to grow, and he says no amount of communication will change them.
Leadership as the "Master Key"
Hussey concludes that the "master key" to modern dating is leadership. On one side, that means leading with warmth, acceptance of others, a generous way of seeing them, and "emotionally evolved communication." On the other, it means leading with your standards for what you will and won't accept in return.
He argues this approach does more than screen out red flags before you've invested too much. In his words, "it's what makes more people become green flags around you." He closes by asking viewers which green flags he missed and inviting them to share their own experiences.
In early dating, it is hard to tell if someone's interest is authentic or if it is driven by something that has nothing to do with you. Maybe they're just driven by lust or by the search for a rebound after they got their heart broken or just out of ego to see if they can get you. It's easy to see all of these types as bad actors who know exactly what they're doing, and some of them are, of course, but others aren't even conscious of what's driving their behavior. So you wouldn't learn the truth even if you asked them.
This is why signals like someone being open about their feelings towards you, eagerly setting up the next time you'll meet and taking you on fairy-tale-like dates are not necessarily strongly correlated with how great your relationship will be with them in the future or whether there will ever be one. A classic error is mistaking someone's attention for their intention.
In truth, some of the best relationships burn more slowly, have less certainty in the beginning and even have more friction, which we will talk about later in this video. And some of the worst relationships start off like a perfect Disney movie with fireworks.
It is confusing. It is hard to tell what emotional availability actually looks like in the beginning. So in this video, I wanted to share with you a few signs, or green flags for a change, of what to look out for in the first few weeks or months of dating that can help you figure out if their behavior shows real intention and possibility or if this person is doomed to break your heart.
If you're new here, I am Matthew Hussey. I have been a coach for almost two decades. I wrote the international bestseller Love Life, this book right here, and I share the lessons I have learned over the years on this YouTube channel. So subscribe and give this video a like so that I can reach more people who need to hear these lessons.
Here's the tricky thing that trips a lot of people up. In early dating, love bombing and actual interest can look eerily similar. It is only the aftermath that lets us know which one it actually was. A love bomber can send flirty texts showing interest, listen to your wants and needs and deliver them to you, talk about the future and tell you how special you are.
When you talk to friends about all of this, the cautious ones may say, "He's doing too much. That's love bombing." Whereas the hopeful romantics will say, "Oh my God, see, this is why I say if men wanted to, they would. He is so into you." It's hard to know which of these voices to listen to. So, what are the green flags that can tell you where your relationship is actually headed?
Green flag number one, reciprocity and momentum. Finally, an occasion for this hat.
If you are going on incredible dates, but you don't hear from that person for a couple of weeks until it's time to set up your next one, there's a loss in momentum there. And if you've noticed lags like this and you've been the one to step up and text in between dates, but the interest hasn't been reciprocal, it is a sign that this relationship may just be one of convenience or to fill a void that has nothing to do with that person's interest level in you.
An early green flag is that there's momentum and a reciprocal back and forth between the two of you. If you text first, does she keep the text exchange going? If you indicate you'd like to see him again, does he set up the next date? If you say you prefer calls over texts, does he pick up the phone and call you? Those are all green flags that this person's intentions are aligned with yours.
Now, a good sign that you are experiencing reciprocity and momentum, a green bean, if you will—Thomas, maybe you can add a little green bean in between my fingers right now—is that instead of feeling anxious and confused, something emotionally unavailable people routinely make you feel in dating, you feel comfortable sharing how you feel and safe to communicate your needs and feelings.
Now, one of the hardest parts, as we all know, about situations like this, especially if we are anxious leaning, is trying to figure out if the problem is us or them and whether their behavior really does warrant our anxiety. Are we intuiting something that is off about their intentions or is our nervous system playing tricks on us? It is so hard to trust ourselves when someone's emotional availability or unavailability only becomes apparent in hindsight. And when we do speak up, we want to communicate powerfully and not from a place of insecurity or neediness in a way that we later regret.
This video right now cannot be a one-size-fits-all, but if you want clarity on the nuances of your situation and what you should do next to get the best result, you can ask me about your exact situation using Matthew AI. It is trained on nearly two decades of me coaching people through every imaginable love life dilemma. People rave to me about how it has helped them handle confusing or high-stakes situations, and you, dear friend, can try it for free at askmh.com.
If you are stuck in your head, like me a lot of the time, this is perfect for you. It even remembers your conversation so that you can come back and add new developments and ask more questions as the story evolves. God, I feel good right now. Must have been that bean.
Green flag number two. One feels safe to communicate their needs and their feelings. When you bring up your needs to an emotionally available person, their reaction does not leave you thinking, "Oh my God. What have I done?" And then feeling like you can't bring something up the next time.
One of my Love Life members told me about a guy she was dating who never texted her during the daytime. When she talked to him about it, he told her he couldn't give her what she needs and he broke up with her. Now, she felt an instinctive regret at having ever said anything, but she didn't need to regret that because she hadn't lost the right person. The right person is emotionally available, and when you bring something up productively to someone who is emotionally available, it is a conversation.
Either they'll understand and they'll change their behavior or they'll meet you in the middle somewhere or, if they can't do something you're asking, they'll share that with you in an authentic and compassionate way that actually makes some sense and doesn't leave you feeling horrible for ever having mentioned it, and it won't be followed by a withdrawal on their part. You won't feel punished somehow, and they won't use it as an excuse to simply blow things up while allowing you to torture yourself that it was your fault.
Here's a good test. If you're beating yourself up for having dared to point out something minor that ended things, it is not you who [__] up. It is them who is emotionally unavailable.
Green flag number three, acceptance without judgment. Here is a deeper one to reflect on. Emotionally available green flags show up as people who create a culture of acceptance from the beginning. In other words, you feel safe to not be perfect.
Emotionally unavailable people often create a culture where you don't feel safe to be yourself. Maybe you feel judged in a contemptuous way or like you have to perform to fit their narrative of what a great partner looks like or what kind of past that person would have, or you feel like there are parts of you that are too much, like you're too sensitive or emotional or demanding because God forbid you'd like to hear from them once a day. Or you feel like you're not enough because you like slow Saturday mornings in bed instead of joining them for a 6:00 a.m. gratitude session followed by a quick Ironman and a breakfast cold plunge.
If someone is continuously judging or picking at you or your lifestyle, it is important that you express that while they may have certain expectations of the person they want to be with, you are really happy and comfortable with who you are. And make clear that you are not judging them at every turn. And that's not because they're perfect, they're not. What you want ultimately is to either commit to seeing the best in each other like you do with them or face the fact that you're not right for each other.
Now, this conversation does a couple of very powerful things. It shows them that you don't even judge yourself for the things they're judging you for. So, it's actually a strange feeling for you to be judged on those things in this way, which is so powerful because it shows you accept yourself. But you're also showing that you accept them in spite of their imperfections. It's not that you worship them, you see them clearly for who they are, but you apply a generous lens to them. And that is a rare thing that most smart people don't want to lose. But your standard is that you know full well what this kind of special love that you have to give is worth out there in the world. So, if you're going to be here, you expect the same in return.
One of the biggest misconceptions about green flag people is that they show up as decisive. That is not true, and this is very important. Emotionally unavailable red flags can be incredibly decisive in the beginning. And people who are actually right for you, who you can build a long-term relationship with, may show up in moments as indecisive and hesitant and unsure.
We have this idea that emotionally available people always know exactly what they want, that they're clear and decisive and strong and certain. Some advice online regarding men says that men put you in a category right away as girlfriend or hookup. Other advice says, "When men know, they know." These things are such an oversimplification, it's insane. And all of them give way too much credit to men. Most human beings, regardless of gender, are uncertain about exactly what they want and need in life. So few of us know at the outset what will actually make us happy in a relationship. And the early stages of dating are often driven by emotions, dopamine, and lust.
A green flag is a person who is receptive to new ways of being happy, open to change, and willing to grow. They may not be the most confident person you've come across. They may not be perfect in their communication style. Many people don't know what they want until they experience something healthy. Green flags are people who are open to being shaped by emotionally available communication and rise to the level of an amazing relationship once they are presented with one.
Unavailable people, by contrast, are rigid in their ways and show little desire to grow, and no amount of communication with them will change that. That's why most people don't realize that the master key to dating in the modern era is leadership. Leading with your warmth, your acceptance of other people, the generous ways that you are willing to see them, and having emotionally evolved communication. And also leading with your standards for what you're willing to accept or no longer accept in return for all of that. This approach doesn't just filter out the red flags quickly before you've invested too much. It's what makes more people become green flags around you.
Now, a question for you, my green beans. What green flags did I miss in this video? Let me know in the comments any others you've experienced. Complete my video for me. I'm going to be reading and responding to your comments below. I'm even going to give away two signed green flag hats to my favorite comments, the only two of these in existence. I'll see you there.
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