When You Finally Meet Someone You Like: Matthew Hussey on the Moment That Kills Attraction
Matthew Hussey
Love life coach Matthew Hussey argues that the most dangerous point in modern dating isn't the endless swiping, ghosting, and rejection. It's what happens when that finally stops: you meet someone you actually like, possibly after years or decades of trying, and they show some interest back. In this video, he explains why that moment has, in his view, "the highest potential to kill any attraction," and he offers a framework for balancing proactivity against pride so you can show interest without losing yourself.
Why a Rare Connection Becomes Dangerous
Hussey describes a shift that happens when the stakes suddenly feel high. We stop simply being ourselves and start feeling that we need the other person to like us. In that state, he says, people drop their standards and boundaries and behave in ways that are unnatural to them. The brain casts the other person as "the prize" and ourselves as the one working to win them. When you position someone that way in your mind, he argues, you give away your agency and power without realizing it.
What makes this especially dangerous, in his account, is that it happens subconsciously. The urge to impress and win someone over is involuntary and natural, and it takes hold quietly. He repeats a point he says he has made often on his channel: despite all the advice to "follow your heart," our instincts can lead us in the wrong direction.
Attachment to the Outcome Hijacks Judgment
Hussey identifies attachment to the outcome as the particular difficulty in dating. We both want and need love. He is careful to say this doesn't mean people can't be happy without a relationship, but if someone is dating, their goal is likely to find something meaningful, both because they want it and because they feel they need it. That intensity, he says, clouds our thinking. We start acting in ways we would never advise a friend to act, and we lose the ability to think objectively.
He gives two examples of how this plays out in opposite directions. In the first, we put unrealistic standards on the person and treat each of their moves as life or death. If they don't answer a text, we suddenly decide they're awful or that they're ghosting us. The bruised ego makes us want to call them out harshly or ghost them in return when they do reach out, even if they had a legitimate excuse or are simply not a good texter. Hussey notes that neither of those explanations has anything to do with how they feel about you. In the second example, we become too proactive, pushing to set up a date even though the other person hasn't shown any initiative or enthusiasm.
Hopelessness and Obsession as the Same Person
Hussey then connects this to how long-term singles feel. Hopelessness about dating, he says, carries two risks. The obvious one is giving up, which risks wasting one's potential in life. The less obvious one is that you actually meet someone you like. When they give you "a shred of interest back," the hopelessness quickly turns into desperation and obsession. The thought becomes: this is a "shooting star moment," and I have to grab it with both hands. From there, he says, people act irrationally and insecurely and risk pushing the right person away.
If that happens, he warns, the obsession turns into a story: how right the situation was, how amazing the person was, how you'll never get over them. Repeated often enough, the story feels true. That isn't because the person was so great, he says, but because repetition makes it feel like truth. Every new date then gets compared to a relationship that never happened, with someone who seemed like an incredible partner "but who never actually had to prove it."
He summarizes the contrast this way: hopelessness risks wasting our potential, while obsession risks wasting our life. In his framing, "Hopelessness and obsession are the same person, just on different parts of the journey."
A Worked Example: Reaching Out After Six Months
Hussey's first suggestion is a plug for his AI product, "Matthew AI," which he says is trained on 18 years of his programs, data, and videos. He uses it to introduce a concrete dilemma that he returns to at the end of the video. Someone hit it off with a match on a dating app and talked with him for three hours on the phone. He said he'd make plans, but he got flaky and the plans never happened. When she followed up a couple of weeks later, he said he was busy with work. Six months later he's still on her mind. Would it be crazy to reach out again? She has never had a connection like this, but she worries it would look desperate, especially since it seems strange to still be thinking about him.
Hussey contrasts two common reactions, the kind people might give on Reddit. One is "Move on. If he wanted to see you, he would." The other is to reach out enthusiastically because you only live once. His point is that the right answer needs more nuance than either.
Awareness as the First Defense
The second, more substantive recommendation is awareness. Hussey says that simply knowing this moment is dangerous makes it easier to recognize when it's happening, and that recognition grounds you in reality. Instead of thinking "I need this to work out" and handing the other person all the power, you can notice the pattern, something like "I'm doing that thing where I make this person way too important," and bring your attention back to what's true.
The truth, as he puts it, is that you can only do your part, and the outcome isn't in your control. You can show up as your best self in texts and conversation, follow through on plans, and show interest. Throughout, though, he suggests checking in with yourself: am I investing based only on how much I like this person, which he calls dangerous, or based on how much they're also investing in me?
Balancing Proactivity and Pride
Hussey calls the core balance a tricky one between two ends of a spectrum. Proactivity means taking action. Pride is what protects us. He criticizes much current online dating advice for giving people too many reasons to cut things off at the first sign of discomfort. Finding love, he says, is often messy and doesn't fit neatly within the rules we set for ourselves about what someone can and can't do.
He illustrates with a person you've never met who is being flaky about setting up a first meeting. You could take it personally and write them off for good. Or you could treat it as an opportunity to practice some proactivity and humility, reach out again, and see if there's potential. He adds a qualification: it wouldn't be wise to reach out with the same enthusiasm as before, because they've now shown they're flaky. They occupy a less prioritized place in your mind. Still, he stresses that this person doesn't know you yet, so their behavior isn't a rejection of you. It might reflect their patterns, the week they're having, or simply that you aren't important to them yet, "and maybe that's appropriate." Whether any of that changes can only be revealed over time. If they keep "fobbing you off," he says, they've shown they're unreliable, and you step back with a strong sense of self, knowing you tried and that it didn't break you.
Redefining Winning and Losing
Hussey argues that more success in love requires redefining what winning looks like. He sees a lot of ego in dating today, with people very conscious of not giving up their power. For him, winning isn't getting the person or getting the date. A win might be subtler. Where a younger, more prideful version of you would have cut someone off the moment your ego felt threatened, today's version gives them a chance, confident you can leave if it doesn't work out.
He also clarifies what security means. Being secure doesn't mean never making yourself vulnerable with someone you like, and it doesn't mean acting aloof when someone ghosts or flakes. It means being able to walk away with your confidence intact, whatever the outcome.
Too Little Effort, Too Much Effort, and the Sweet Spot
Hussey says too little effort in dating often reflects insecurity, and so does too much effort. Between the two lies what he calls the sweet spot of vulnerability and "generosity of spirit," which he describes as the territory to aim for to maximize your opportunities in love. A new definition of winning might then be: "I had a generosity of spirit in the way I approached that situation, and a younger me would have been far too scared to do that."
He offers a litmus-test question: How much can I give to this situation while still feeling proud of myself if it didn't work out? You don't want to give so much that failure leaves you ashamed and wondering why you tried so hard. You do want to give enough that you're proud you didn't leave anything on the table.
He adds a caveat. The video isn't advocating continued attention toward someone who doesn't reciprocate, and it isn't urging you to constantly put your heart on the line. But if you approach an unknown situation calmly and without attachment to the outcome, practicing a little vulnerability now and then may be worthwhile.
Returning to the Six-Month Question
Hussey closes the example by reading the answer his AI gave to the earlier question. It said reaching out isn't inherently desperate and that what matters is intention and approach. If she decides to reach out, she should keep it light and casual, with something like: "Hey, I've been thinking about our conversation and wondered how you've been. If you're up for it, maybe we could catch up over coffee sometime." The reasoning was that this opens the door without putting too much pressure on the situation. Hussey endorses the answer with a "chef's kiss."
He ends by asking viewers to describe a situation they're currently struggling with and how they might handle it using the pride-and-proactivity framework. He also asks them to consider which way they tend to lean: too much toward pride, or too much toward proactivity.
Modern dating can leave you feeling hopeless. It is endless scrolling and swiping and ghosting and rejection and heightened egos when no one wants to get caught giving more than the other person.
But then something seemingly amazing happens. You meet someone you actually like, maybe after years or decades of trying, and they reciprocate some of that interest, too. Suddenly, the stakes feel so high, and this moment that seems rare and incredible and like everything you've been hoping for actually becomes the most dangerous moment in dating, and it has the highest potential to kill any attraction that a person could feel for you.
We go from being ourselves to being in a position where we feel like we need that person to like us, too. We lose our standards and our boundaries, and suddenly we do things and act in ways that are totally unnatural to us. Our brain decides they are the prize and we are working to attain them. And when you position someone like that in your mind, you give away your agency and your power without realizing it.
So, now we know why it's dangerous. Let's talk about what we can actually do about it. For those of you who are new here, I am Matthew Hussey. I have been a love life coach for almost 20 years. I've helped hundreds of thousands of people navigate challenges in their lives through my love life coaching group. I've written two New York Times best-selling books on this subject, and on this channel I help you develop a better relationship with other people, with yourself, and with life itself.
By the way, I would really appreciate it if you would subscribe and give this video a like so that other people like you can find it, too.
Part of what makes this moment so dangerous is that it happens subconsciously. We're unaware of how sneakily this completely involuntary and natural urge to want to impress and win someone over takes hold. As I have said many times on this channel, our instincts can guide us in the wrong direction, despite all of the advice that's out there to follow our hearts.
What's particularly tricky in dating is that we have an attachment to the outcome. We both want and need love. Now, that's not to say that we can't be happy without a relationship or love. But if we're dating, our likely goal is to find something meaningful, both from a place of wanting it and from feeling like we need it. When we so want to be in a loving and committed relationship, our feelings can cloud our minds. We start acting in ways that we would never advise our friends to. It completely hijacks our ability to think objectively.
We may even put unrealistic standards on the person we like and criticize every move of theirs like it's a life and death scenario. For example, they don't respond to a text we've sent. Suddenly, they're awful or they're ghosting us, and it hits our ego in a way where we feel like we need to call them out harshly or take revenge by ghosting them back if they do reach out, even if they had a legitimate excuse or general pattern of just not being the best texter, neither of which has anything to do with how they feel about you. Or you become too proactive in reaching out to them, asking to set up a date even though they haven't shown any initiative or enthusiasm in hearing from you.
If you've been single for a long time, you might feel hopeless about dating, and this has two big risks. The first is that we give up, and in giving up we risk wasting our potential in life. But the other risk that people don't see coming is that you might actually meet someone you like, and when that happens and they give you a shred of interest back, that hopelessness you previously felt very quickly morphs into desperation and obsession.
And all of a sudden, you have someone where you think, "Oh my god, this is a shooting star moment. I have to grab onto this with both hands." And now we stop being ourselves and we start turning into something else. We act irrationally, we act insecurely, and from that place of obsession, we risk pushing the right person away.
And God help us if we do push them away, because then that obsession turns into story. We create a story about how right that situation was, how amazing that person was, and how you'll never get over them. And then that story runs the risk of becoming true, not because they were so great, but because when you repeat that story enough times, it feels like truth.
So, now anytime you go on a date with another person, you immediately compare this brand new person who you barely know to a relationship that never actually happened with someone you thought would be an incredible partner, but who never actually had to prove it. You see, where hopelessness runs the risk of having us waste our potential, obsession comes with the risk of wasting our life. Hopelessness and obsession are the same person, just on different parts of the journey.
So, what do we do in these scenarios? I have two specific things that you can do in this situation. The first is to just ask me. Whatever your specific problem or solution is, I have the answer for you, and you can get that answer from Matthew AI.
You can say, "Hey Matthew, I hit it off with someone on a dating app. We spoke for 3 hours on the phone, and he said he'd make plans to see me, but it never happened because he got flaky. A couple of weeks later I followed up and got an answer that he's busy with work. It's been 6 months now and he is still on my mind. Would it be crazy for me to reach out to him again to see if circumstances are different? I haven't had a connection like this before, but I'd feel desperate reaching out now because it's weird that I'm still thinking about him 6 months later."
People on Reddit might say, "Move on. If he wanted to see you, he would." Others might tell you to reach out and get excited because you only live once. For a more specific answer tailored to your situation, Matthew AI will give you nuance because it is trained on 18 years of my programs, my data, and my videos. And you can get access to Matthew AI and even try it for free at AskMH.com.
Now, let's get to the second thing you can do in these early dating stages. The great news is that you have clicked on this video and you are now aware of the problem, so you can much more easily recognize if this is happening to you. Being aware that this moment is dangerous will ground you in reality.
Instead of thinking, "Oh my god, I need this to work out with this person," and then giving them all the power in the process, you can bring awareness to it and say, "Ah, I'm doing that thing right now that I do where I make this person way too important." And then bring your attention back to the truth: that all you can do in this situation is your part, remembering that the outcome of it all is not in your control.
You can show up as your best self in texts, you can show up as your best self in conversation, you can follow through on plans, show interest, but all the while be mindful in checking in with yourself and asking, "Am I investing solely based on how much I like this person?" which is dangerous, or "Am I investing based on how much they're also investing in me?"
The real nuanced balance that we are trying to strike here is a tricky one between proactivity, taking action, and pride, that thing that protects us. These are two ends of the spectrum. Much of the dating advice online these days gives us too many reasons to cut things off at the first sight of discomfort, but finding love is often a bit of a messy process. It's not always simple and falls within these neat lines of these rules we've set for ourselves about what someone can and can't do.
If you've never met someone, for example, and they're being flaky at setting up a plan to meet you, you could take that personally and write them off for good, or you might say that it doesn't hurt for me to use this as an opportunity to practice a little bit of proactivity and humility and reach out to them again and see if there's any potential there. It wouldn't be wise to reach out to them with the same enthusiasm you initially had because now they've shown you that they're flaky.
So, sure, they've taken up a new spot in your mind, one that's less prioritized than before, but it's important to remember that this person doesn't know you yet, and how they're behaving isn't a rejection of you. It might be reflective of their patterns or the week they're having or simply the fact that you're not that important to them yet, and maybe that's appropriate. Whether their patterns can change or next week will be different or you or anybody can become important to them can only be revealed over time. If they keep fobbing you off, now they're showing you they're unreliable and you have to step back from the dynamic with a strong sense of self, knowing you tried, but that it didn't break you.
I believe that if we want to have more success in love, we have to redefine what winning and losing looks like. There's a lot of ego in dating today. People are very, very conscious of not giving up their power. But to me, winning isn't getting that person or getting on a date with them. A win might be something more subtle. It might be that where a younger, more prideful you would have cut someone off without a thought because your ego got threatened, today's you gives someone a chance, knowing that you can leave fully confident even if it doesn't work out.
And being seen as secure does not mean that you never put yourself in a vulnerable position with someone you like. It doesn't mean that you act aloof and like you don't care when someone ghosts or acts flaky. It's having the ability to walk away with your confidence still intact despite the outcome. That's how you navigate these emotionally dangerous moments in dating safely.
Here's something to remember. When we put in too little effort in dating, that often represents insecurity. But when we put in too much effort, that represents insecurity, too. In the middle of those two things is the sweet spot of vulnerability and what I think of as generosity of spirit. That is the territory we're aiming for if we want to maximize our opportunities in love.
So, if you want to know what your new definition of winning today would look like, you might say, "I had a generosity of spirit in the way I approached that situation, and a younger me would have been far too scared to do that." That's your win.
A good litmus test question you can ask yourself in these situations is this: How much can I give to this situation while still feeling proud of myself if it didn't work out? In other words, you don't want to give an amount that if it doesn't work out, you feel shame for and you're like, "Why on earth did I try that hard?" But you want to give enough that you feel proud you didn't leave something on the table.
This video is not advocating that you keep showing attention to someone who isn't reciprocating, nor is it asking you to constantly put your heart on the line. But if you're approaching an unknown situation from a place of calm and not getting attached to outcome, it might be good to practice a little vulnerability now and again.
I think Matthew AI put it best when we asked him the question I posed earlier. Here's what he said: "Reaching out isn't inherently desperate. It's all about the intention and the way you approach it. If you decide to reach out, keep it light and casual. You might say something like, 'Hey, I've been thinking about our conversation and wondered how you've been. If you're up for it, maybe we could catch up over coffee sometime.' This way, you're opening the door without putting too much pressure on the situation."
Chef's kiss. Now, here's my ask from you. If you've made it to the end of this video, leave me in the comments section a situation that you are struggling with right now and how you might navigate it with this new pride and proactivity framework in mind. Maybe you can even tell me whether you're somebody who leans too much towards pride or whether you lean too much towards proactivity. I would love to hear from you, and I love reading your comments.
Thank you for watching, and I will see you next time.
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