Dakota Johnson's "Objects of Affection" Tour Is a Deadpan House Tour That Unravels

The tour stalls at the front door. When someone asks if it's locked, Johnson insists it isn't. The door, Johnson explains, is an antique and "a spiritually evolved door" that grants entry by reading a visitor's aura, and "I guess it doesn't like yours." After a moment, the door opens, and Johnson asks everyone to "speak kindly to the door" on the way in.

Inside, Johnson describes the design philosophy behind the house: "I really wanted to feel nothing. I wanted to just walk into a space and feel nothing." The reasoning offered is that Johnson is "so colorful on the inside" that the surroundings need to be "quite bland" so the energies don't clash. Along the way, Johnson points out a hot tub and remarks on its shape, then names a piece as coming from IKEA.

The first official object of affection sits among the books: a cookie jar described as "my favorite of all my cookie jars," kept nearby for a snack while reading. Johnson starts to say it holds chocolate chip cookies, opens it, and finds something else: "Oh my god. It's dirt." Johnson's explanation is "I always mix these up," followed by "sorry, grandpa" and "Family is everything." This implies the jar actually holds a relative's ashes.

Johnson calls the kitchen "my favorite part of my house" and describes it as "a space of nourishment and wellness." The account is the standard wellness routine: meal prep every week with fresh ingredients from the garden or the farmers market.

Next comes an object Johnson calls "so so important to me": a drawing made by a friend's child, showing the child and their cat. Johnson identifies the young artist as "my friend's kid named Pam," repeats the name, and adds, "What a talent."

Johnson then presents "the most important room in the house," the office. The room is a bathroom, and it counts as an office because "the most important work I do… is with myself." This is where Johnson does affirmations, performed on camera: "You belong here. You are good at math. You are like, so beautiful." Johnson adds, "You only really have yourself in this life," and then mentions skin care.

The last item is a collection of matches that Johnson says come from "all of the magical places I've been lucky enough to visit throughout my career." The example given is Ruth's Chris Steak House: "I love it there," Johnson says, and "the memories are flowing."

Johnson wraps up, thanks Vogue for coming "to my house," and starts to say goodbye. A woman then appears and says, "Dakota. We've talked about this." Johnson greets her as Lisa, says "Wasn't expecting you here," and introduces her awkwardly as "my therapist." Johnson apologizes, promises "No more," and agrees with "Yes, yes, ma'am." As Johnson leaves, the woman calls out, "Dakota! Put it back." The exchange ends with a mention of seeing each other Friday.

The ending recasts the whole tour. The door that wouldn't open, the ashes mistaken for cookies, and the unfamiliar child's drawing all suggest this may not be Johnson's house at all. The video leaves that implication hanging and never confirms whose home it really is.