Six Micro-Habits for a Better Love Life, from Talking Missions to Replacing "But" with "And"
Matthew Hussey
In this episode of the Love Life podcast, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey, Audrey, and producer David each bring small habits that they believe can change where someone ends up romantically. Matthew sets one condition at the start. He does not want an episode of "silver bullets," because, he says, the culture is obsessed with magic habits that cure everything. He wants habits so small that almost anyone could do them, which could still make the difference between being single and being in a relationship, or between an average relationship and an extraordinary one.
The plan was nine habits. The group got through six before running out of time. The episode then moves on to listener comments about Gen Z dating, a Love Lifeline call about when a relationship is "good enough," and a game called Replace That Habit.
Habit one: set tiny "talking missions" when you leave the house
Matthew calls his first habit "painfully obvious," but says he believes in its power. When you go out into the world, set yourself a very small social mission. He aims it especially at anxious, socially anxious, or introverted people, and at anyone whose instinct around others is to stay comfortable.
His examples are deliberately modest. If you have gone to the same coffee shop for two years and never learned the staff's names, make it your mission to learn one name next time. If you normally just say "Hey, how's it going? I'll have this," ask a question about their life that you wouldn't usually ask. He describes these missions as practicing a muscle that is either underdeveloped or not being used in the right places.
His reasoning is that small interactions add up. They can turn into friendships, or into relationships if you happen to meet the right person. They also have an indirect effect. On a day when you have already been talking, you are "a bit more warmed up." The first person you spoke to may not have been a romantic prospect, but the next person might be, and you are now ready to talk to them.
David asks how many missions per day. Matthew suggests roughly one, but frames it as a response to situations: when you find yourself around other people, set a small mission, rather than treating it as a daily box to tick. He calls his method "thin slicing." For most people, going up to someone and asking for their number is a huge leap. The question is how to slice the interaction so thinly that the next step is something you could actually do, even though you normally wouldn't.
Audrey supports this with a listener story. A woman named Maria stopped Matthew at Heathrow Airport. She later emailed to say she had followed the podcast's advice for several years and started conversations everywhere. The man she is now dating was wearing an IKEA hat, and she told him she loved it. According to her email, that remark started the whole relationship, and she said the practice changed her life. Matthew adds that when dating apps keep people on their phones, the ability to create more moments where something could happen in real life "is everything."
Habit two: give conversational hooks, and use the ones others give you
Stephen's first habit is to give people "hooks," meaning something concrete to latch onto. In person or on a dating app, you can offer one opinion, one thing you like, or one thing you're excited about. Even a generic "How are you?" is an opening. Instead of "Good, thanks," you might say you're doing well and have a trip to China coming up next week, a place you've never been.
Stephen applies the same idea to dating profiles. When a profile has only generic pictures and nothing written, he says he has no idea where to start, even if the person is attractive. The habit works both ways. Give hooks, and also pick up the ones other people offer: "I noticed you said you went to X," a color someone is wearing, a book they mentioned, an interest in comic books.
Matthew finds this empowering because it doesn't require doing anything especially clever. You only have to do more than the average person does with an everyday question. When someone asks how you are, you don't answer literally and bounce the question back. You mention something, such as a recent trip and how it has affected your mood or energy. Stephen offers another version: "I'm in a fog," because of a deadline you've been putting off. That alone is a hook.
Habit three: don't treat your love life like a public soap opera
Audrey's first habit (after a running joke in which the group keeps saying "soap Oprah") is to stop treating each stage of your dating life as gossip or "good tea" for your friends. She describes several traps.
The first is identity. If you are always reporting your dating life, you can become known among friends as the person with the disastrous love life. You then start looking for the story, the way each encounter went wrong. Audrey suggests this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The second is "too many cooks." If you share every text and screenshot and ask everyone's opinion, you invite so many views that you can't make up your own mind or let things unfold naturally. She thinks this can taint what could otherwise be a fairly "pure" relationship. She makes an exception for genuine uncertainty. If you are unsure whether something is a red flag, or whether you should walk away, asking for a second opinion is different.
Matthew adds that not everyone gives sound advice. Most people have a friend who, at any hint of imperfection, says to get rid of the person immediately, which agitates someone who is already anxious or angry. He argues we want friends who help us regulate, so we can bring a strong version of ourselves to our conversations. The more people you involve, the more likely you are to include people who dysregulate you.
Audrey extends the point to public confession. She worries about people who write or post a lot about being hopelessly single, and wonders whether casting yourself in that narrative is risky. She raises Instagram and TikTok creators whose whole accounts are about single life and why it's so hard to meet someone. That content does very well, she notes. But she asks what happens when they're no longer single. They may have built "their own prison," where moving into a relationship means losing an audience that related to their struggle and now feels worse because of them.
Habit four: replace "but" with "and"
David approaches the topic from sports psychology. He believes the mental habits of great athletes can matter more than their physical attributes, and that some of that coaching could carry over to dating. He cites an article in The Athletic featuring a sports psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Nobis. The micro-habit that caught his eye was switching the word "but" for "and."
Before explaining its sports meaning, David asks the others how they would apply it to dating, and offers his own reading first. He thinks people often become competitive in the wrong ways in conversation. Disagreeing is healthy. It shows confidence, and talking about how you think differently can be fun and even sexy. But when someone shares something and you start picking holes in it, that is usually a "but." Saying "I see what you're saying, and one thing I'd add is…" builds relatability instead of competing out of ego.
Stephen takes it somewhere else. People excuse a partner's bad behavior with "but": "Yes, but look at all these other great qualities." He suggests saying it with "and" instead: they're smart and loving, and when they get stressed they're really nasty and cruel. Don't use "but" to excuse red flags.
Matthew connects this to Dr. Ramani's work on recovering from narcissism. As he describes it, people find someone's goodness confusing. How could someone who was kind yesterday, or who helped your brother when he was sick, also treat you so callously? In Matthew's account of Dr. Ramani's view, the answer lies in the "and": they helped your brother when he was sick, and they cheated on you for five years, and they lied pathologically. The "and" lets you hold the complexity of someone who does good things and is capable of real destruction, enough that you can't have them anywhere near you.
David then gives the sports meaning. In the article, "and" lets two realities be true at once in the service of performance: "I'm uncomfortable and I can stay in the present," "I'm angry and I can act like a good sport." In dating, instead of "I'm so nervous, but I can bring my best self," you say "I'm so nervous and I can bring my best self." Because this kind of language is deeply ingrained, the psychologist recommends visual cues, such as painting one fingernail a different color or putting a Post-it note that says "and" on your computer screen.
Habit five: forgive yourself for your anxiety
Matthew says this overlaps closely with David's idea. People feel anxious on dates, while waiting for a text, or when starting a conversation as in habit one. When anxiety takes hold, they often turn on themselves: they're not good enough, something must be wrong with them, they're defective. The anxiety becomes "a weapon of self-hatred." He treats this as a habit because each episode of anxiety can become a trigger for a new thought.
The first new thought is to make it normal. Matthew tells a story he heard from actor Jesse Eisenberg. During a scene, Eisenberg had a panic attack and told the director he was very anxious and turning on himself. The director called a five-minute break. The director then pointed out everything the actor had to handle at once: remembering lines, worrying about how he came across, thinking about makeup, and doing this across an entire shoot. The director said it would be strange not to feel that way, as if the situation were designed to produce it. As Matthew relates it, the gift was that Eisenberg realized he wasn't "a freak." He felt normal, could embrace the feeling as part of the work, and could go back to it.
Matthew also warns against "exceptionalizing" ourselves, the belief that nobody else feels this, however composed others look. Recognizing how common these feelings are, he says, removes the sense of being defective.
He argues that dating is like the film set in the director's story. For many people, finding love is the thing they want most, and they don't control it. Someone else has to say yes, and keep saying yes every day: on every date, in every exchange of texts, in deciding to be a couple, and every day after. Matthew says it's as if dating was designed to make you feel out of control and anxious. Seeing this frees you, in his view. You're not crazy for feeling anxious about something you care about so much and can't fully control. Since the possibility that someone could leave "never goes away," he suggests it may be worth relaxing into it somewhat rather than living in that state indefinitely.
Habit six: resist the urge to overshare
Audrey admits this one needs explaining. She argues that avoiding oversharing is a micro-habit that can improve how dates go and how much attraction you create. She knows people who say "I'm an open book" or "what you see is what you get" as if it were a virtue, and she says she used to be somewhat like that. Vulnerability and showing different sides of yourself are positive, she agrees. But people should "suspect" themselves if oversharing with strangers is their default.
Matthew asks how to tell oversharing from appropriate vulnerability for the stage you're at. Audrey says it depends on what you're getting out of it, and admits it's hard to explain. Her framework starts from the idea that information is power. Each time you share something about yourself, you may be giving too much power to someone who hasn't earned it yet. She lists reasons people overshare: to test whether someone will stay after hearing everything, because they believe it's the best way to connect, or simply because it's a comfortable place to be on a date.
Her practical habit is to pause before sharing something that feels vulnerable and ask: Why do I feel the need to share this now? Is it appropriate? Has this information been earned? Did they ask for it? She believes that catching even half of your oversharing would noticeably raise the attraction you create.
Matthew asks listeners to reflect honestly on which need oversharing meets for them: filling an awkward silence, trying to endear yourself, or showing you've had it hard to get sympathy. He invites them to email stories. He says he has done it himself and still sometimes wonders why he just told someone something. Audrey says he has gotten much better.
Audrey explains that she included the habit because she had to work hard on it in her twenties. A friend, Mahi, told her not to tell people so much about herself, because they didn't deserve to know it. Audrey didn't understand at first, but says it taught her a great lesson. Holding back appropriately with strangers made her feel more in control, and she believes it makes you more attractive. You reveal yourself over time, people feel they have earned knowing you, and you avoid opening up to people who shouldn't know everything about you.
Habit seven (the last on the list): be a bit of a mind reader
Matthew cuts the list short for time and asks for one more. Stephen's is to be "a bit of a mind reader." People like hearing about themselves and their personalities, so observe and tell them what you notice: "You're a really good listener, aren't you?" or "You're a really good storyteller."
Matthew asks what happens if you're wrong. Stephen says it's fine. You say it playfully, and if it's admiring it doesn't matter much if it isn't entirely accurate. You do have to actually believe it. People get "a little buzz" from being seen. If they reply "Oh no, I'm actually really shy," you can connect over that too: "Well, you looked so comfortable and in control." Audrey adds that pointing out what a partner or date does well shows an attractive generosity of spirit. Matthew mentions Ed Mylett's phrase "Let me tell you about you" and likes Stephen's description of giving someone "a moment in the spotlight."
In the recap, Matthew merges "replace but with and" and "forgive yourself for your anxiety" into one idea: you can be afraid or anxious and still be fully involved in your love life. Counted that way, the list is micro-missions, conversational hooks, not treating your love life like a soap opera, but-to-and plus embracing anxiety, being a bit of a mind reader, and not oversharing. The group concludes they covered six and invites listeners to ask for a part two.
Listener comments: has Gen Z opted out of dating?
Matthew reads comments on an earlier episode, "Did Millennials Ruin Dating for Gen Z?" A Gen Z commenter, Samurai 137X, objected to a millennial saying Gen Z opted out of dating to protect their mental health. They called this a gross oversimplification. They said Gen Z does want to date, but dating has become such a slog that the mental toll isn't worth it: "It's not a game of benefits. It's a game of detriments."
Matthew replies that the sentiment isn't limited to Gen Z. People in their 50s and 60s tell him the same thing and find it easier to opt out. He agrees that saying Gen Z has "opted out" is an oversimplification. He says it's understandable for anyone to step back when dating feels like constant rejection, chaos, or bad app experiences, since people chase reward and happiness. He links this back to the first habit. He believes the "great equalizer" for every generation is learning to connect with people in the real world. However many people are on their phones, others are still out there, and connecting with them means not relying on the things that made dating so unenjoyable.
He adds a caveat. Many people in their early twenties aren't easy to date, because everyone at that age is learning, and mistakes in love cause others a lot of pain. His "good news" is that you get older, and so does everyone else.
A second commenter, culture clash, said it took a long time to realize nothing was wrong with them when they ended up in situationships or with very avoidant men who lied to get them to lower their walls, for emotional or sexual reasons, and then left. The commenter said believing those men was not their fault. Matthew agrees. Some people have worked out what to say early on to get the validation or pleasure they want. He compares self-blame here to being mugged and then blaming yourself for walking down the street. The commenter also argued that millennials were the "guinea pig generation" for dating apps and social media, that finding someone intentionally seeking one relationship is now rare, and that they had promised themselves never to let heartbreak kill the "lover girl" inside them. They said they had found someone amazing to date through luck and timing.
Love Lifeline: how do you know when it's "good enough"?
A caller, Kim, refers to an earlier discussion with a guest named Lydia. Kim's issue isn't money, but there is a recurring cycle. Kim sets boundaries, the partner gets upset or angry, Kim pulls away, and the partner "straightens up." Kim asks whether that's normal, and how to know when this is the best you're going to get, given how Kim picks people, presents in the world, and teaches people how to treat them. When do you just say it's good enough?
Matthew suggests reframing the question. Asking whether this is "the best I'm going to get" would drive a person insane and, he says, would push him into "optimization mode." Humans aren't stat cards you trade for higher numbers. Swapping one person for another means swapping an entire set of qualities, behaviors, mindsets, and beliefs for a completely different set.
The better question, he says, is whether this connection could make you happy over the course of your life, not just today. If the answer is no, that is the only relevant question. He argues you can be happy outside this relationship whether or not someone else comes along. So you are not comparing this partner with other possible relationships. You are comparing them with every scenario in which you could be happy without them.
Matthew sees "Can I do better?" as coming from scarcity and fear. It also offers an easy way out. If you convince yourself nothing better exists, or hear enough dating horror stories from friends, you can default to staying in something that doesn't make you happy. "Am I happy here? Can I be happy here?" is more confronting. Every relationship has moments where you raise something you resent and, ideally, there is a correction. You then have to ask whether it has "corrected to the center enough" for you to live there happily.
He repeats a point from a recent Instagram video: marry someone you argue well with. He defines arguing well by several questions. Are arguments compassionate? Do you see each other's point of view? Do you take turns apologizing, or is it always the same person? How long is recovery: ten minutes or half an hour, or days of coldness and stonewalling in which one person has to beg for small affections? Toxic arguing styles should get help if you can't solve them alone, and if they don't improve, you shouldn't stay where arguments are "a form of destruction." Even good relationships have imperfect disagreements. You can apologize for how you raised something, and that doesn't change the fact that something may need to shift for you to be happy. You have to be honest about whether it actually does. He admits there are no easy answers.
Replace That Habit: the hosts' own bad habits
Stephen hosts a recurring segment, "Steve Sleeves," and plays "Replace That Habit." He names bad love-life habits, and the others suggest a mindset shift or healthier replacement. It opens with a playful "ambush." Asked what his bad habits were when single, Matthew hears the others suggest too judgmental, too guarded, defensive, and texting too much. He says he doesn't disagree. His own answer is that his biggest offense, one he regrets deeply in some cases, was being "too careless with people's hearts."
Stephen admits that when someone criticized something, he would conclude the relationship wouldn't work and treat it as a sign of the end. The others call this defensive, hypersensitive, and avoidant. Stephen adds that he would build stories too quickly, as in "they gave a short answer, so this is over," which someone compares to a Seinfeld sketch.
The first habit read out is waiting until you feel 100% confident before dating or approaching someone. The group agrees David's "replace but with and" already answers it.
Stalking exes online
Matthew treats chronic ex-checking as seeking happiness or control in the wrong place. It looks like curiosity but is really measuring yourself: they've met someone, they're having a baby, so you must be behind. He argues we shouldn't measure success against others in the first place, and that an ex's life has "no relevance" to yours, no more than a stranger walking past your house. Framing each check as an act of self-harm, he says, makes it possible to interrupt the habit.
Audrey offers a practical fix: block them. Blocking raises the effort needed to look, because you'd have to unblock first, which will probably stop you. She compares it to moving Instagram to a random page of her phone. By the time she is searching for it, she asks herself why, and often doesn't open it. Matthew says he's all for systems that make the right behavior easier.
Mistaking intensity for intimacy
Stephen's next example is assuming that texting back and forth for eight hours means something will last forever. Matthew notes it can be a sign someone is interested. Stephen counters that it may be "a bombardment," intense in a way you project onto.
Audrey recommends a "we'll see" mindset. A great day at work, with friends, or on a date doesn't show whether this is the right job, a best friend, or the love of your life. Consistent positive experiences over time do. She warns against judging too quickly in either direction.
Matthew lists what still has to happen before you can know you have a strong relationship: the first fight, getting through year one and past the intense phase, seeing how they treat your friends, family, and other important parts of your life, and how they react when you say you can't see them that night or that you're in a busy month. The habit, he says, is to stay aware of how many contexts the relationship still has to pass through. He compares it to a promising business deal. You can be excited and still recognize the many tests it hasn't passed yet. Enjoying it now while understanding you can only see "one small piece" is, in his words, the key to having it both ways.
Turning every date into a debate
The last habit is dates that become competitive, with opinions batted back and forth, feisty but not connecting. Audrey suggests "buffer words and sentences" such as "but I could be wrong," "this is just my opinion," or "I'm curious what you think, because here's what I think." Planning how to insert them keeps the exchange a conversation rather than combat. Stephen notes this is common among smart people with strong opinions, and it turns coming together into a contest over who has the better point.
Audrey then describes "reverse charisma," an idea she saw in a post by Chris Williamson, though she doesn't think he necessarily originated it. People spend so much effort trying to be charismatic and likable that they forget what makes others warm to us: making them feel charismatic and likable. If you tend to want to win debates, she suggests reminding yourself that this isn't how you get people to like you. Letting them feel interesting and show what they know is far more likely to make them want to spend time with you.
Matthew connects this to Shakespeare's Falstaff, and he and Stephen finish the line together: not only witty in himself, but the cause of wit in others. Matthew sums up the idea as being someone around whom people feel funnier, more interesting, and smarter. The segment ends there, with the group still asking listeners whether they want a second episode covering the remaining micro-habits.
In today's episode, we wanted to talk about the micro habits that will change your love life. The small things, dare I say, the tiny things that you can do that add up to a completely different love life than the one you would have had if you didn't do these habits.
I don't know what you've come up with because we each said we'd bring a couple of habits to this episode. All I know is my hope for this episode is that these don't turn into really difficult things to do because we are a culture that is obsessed with magic habits that will cure everything. And I don't want this to be an episode of silver bullets. My hope is that it doesn't turn into that, but that instead there are things that are almost so impossibly small that anyone could do them, but they really will change where you end up.
These might actually be the difference between you being single and being in a relationship, or if you're in a relationship—I'm not sure. I know mine are more centered around dating. I know you might have some for relationships. I'm not sure. They might make the difference between you having a really extraordinary relationship and having an average relationship.
So I am happy to kick this off with one of mine, which is actually, I'm going to say, painfully obvious, but I really believe in it and I believe in its power to transform our love lives. And that is to set really tiny talking missions for yourself when you go out there into the—almost think of it as painfully small.
Especially, by the way, if you're an anxious person, if you have any kind of social anxiety, if you're introverted, if you feel your natural tendency is to stay comfortable when you're around other people, what is a micro mission you could set yourself as a habit when you leave the house?
It might be that you've been going to the same coffee shop for the last two years and you don't know the names of the people behind the counter. And you're, okay, I'm going to set myself a little mission of, I'm going to find out one of the names of the people behind the counter this time when I go in. Or it might be as simple as, normally I just go in and I say, "Hey, how's it going? I'll have this." But this time I'm actually going to ask a question about their lives that I wouldn't normally ask.
And I start setting myself these tiny, tiny, tiny missions that just start to practice a muscle, develop a muscle that is either underdeveloped or it's just not being used in all of the right places. I believe in this wholeheartedly. And it may sound tiny, but those little interactions, those are the things that can end up adding up to either new friendships or new relationships if you meet the right person.
Or it can even be the reason that that day you're a bit more talkative, and the person you started talking to wasn't someone who was a romantic potential, but then you sat down and you were a bit warmed up and all of a sudden you started talking to someone else and that person was. So that's my first one, is set micro missions for yourself when you're out in the world talking to people.
How many per day? Oh, I'm going to say just maybe one.
One every time you leave the house.
Yeah, I think it's more, rather than thinking about it as I have to tick this off every day, I would think about it as when I find myself in environments where I'm around other people, I'm going to set myself a little mission.
So my habit is normally to go inward. I'm going to change my habit to going outward, basically.
Yes, but I'm going to do it in a way—I call it thin slicing. If you think going up to someone and asking for their number is absolutely no way, that's just too—which is huge. It's a huge leap for most people. What's a way that I could slice this interaction so small, so thinly that the next step is something that I could do? It's just not something that I would normally do.
I like that a lot. We had an email from someone called Maria who stopped me in Heathrow Airport. So hello, Maria. It was lovely to meet you while I was very frustrated waiting for my flight and worried I was going to miss it. But we said hello. She was really lovely and she emailed in afterwards saying she met her boyfriend because she followed our advice and she's been following us for several years.
She said, "I started conversations all over in different places." Literally, I think she says the guy who she's now dating, he was wearing an IKEA hat and she was like, "I love your hat. It's awesome." That was the start of their whole relationship. So she said it changed her life, literally going and starting more conversations.
That's amazing. That's amazing. In a world where we feel like we're stuck with dating apps and they just keep us on our phone, the ability to just create more moments where things could happen in real life is everything.
All right, Stephen, I'm going to you next. I think we're going to do nine habits today. So that's number one. Stephen, I haven't heard yours. I haven't heard yours either, Audrey. What's one of yours? Number two.
Give conversational hooks.
Explain.
If you're on a dating app or in conversation at a party with someone, give someone a hook to hang on to just by saying one opinion, one thing you like, one thing you're excited about right now coming up. You can use any conversation, even a generic "How are you?" You could say, "Yeah, I'm really good. I've got this trip coming up next week and I've never been to China," and blah blah blah. That's a hook.
Same on a dating profile. If you see dating profiles with no conversational hooks, even if they're attractive, I'm like, I have no idea where to start with this person because they got generic pictures, nothing in their profile. And you can make it easy. Give hooks yourself or take other people's hooks and go, "Oh, I noticed you said you went to X. I noticed you were wearing blah blah blah, that color. That book you said you read. You're into comic books." Just use those conversational hooks as much as you can and give them to people.
Yeah, I think to me that's the part that I really love about this. I like both giving hooks and noticing when someone else throws out a hook and actually doing something with it.
Yeah.
But there's something very empowering about knowing that you can actually make a conversation better by giving someone else more to latch on to. It's not even that you're the one who's needing to do anything particularly special. You just have to do more than the average person does with a pedestrian everyday question.
When, like you said, someone says, "How are you?" and you immediately start talking. You don't answer literally and say, "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" Instead, you throw out a hook of maybe a trip you've just been on and how in some way, tenuous or otherwise, that has affected your mood today or how your general energy is right now.
Or you could be like, "Oh, I'm in a fog. You know when you've got a deadline and you've just been putting it off and this happened," and, "Oh yeah, I had a deadline." That's just one hook.
Okay, I love it. All right, so throw out conversational hooks. That's number two. Audrey, coming to you.
I had, don't treat your love life like a public soap opera. Oprah. Oprah. Oprah.
Oprah.
Soap Oprah.
Yeah. No, there's no shade on Oprah.
Soap opera. I think so many of us, we have the bad habit of, especially when we're single and we've got a really tight-knit friendship group, we'll treat every stage of our dating life and every stage of our love life as gossip and as news and as good tea. And the problem with that, there's a few traps that I think people fall into with that.
The first one is you're then almost falling into a bit of a stereotype amongst your friends as the person who has the disaster love life. And you're almost always looking for the story and always looking for the way in which something was a disaster or it didn't go well or was this or was that. And I think that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy of just having a bit of a disastrous love life as a result.
But also I just think in general, too many cooks. If you tell people everything about your love life and, "Oh, and they did this and they text that and here's the screenshot of this and what do you think of that?" You invite all these opinions and you're just not able to organically make up your own mind and let the thing unfold. And I think it can taint just what can otherwise be quite a pure relationship.
Obviously, if you're not sure about whether something is a red flag or you're like, "Oh, I don't like what he did there and I do need a second opinion as to whether or not I should walk away from this person," whatever, that's different. But I think just in general trying to lean away from treating our love lives like a soap opera.
That's very good.
Oprah.
So, don't treat like a soap, soap, soap. Oh God, no. Soap. Soap op—soap Oprah.
A soapy Oprah. So be Oprah.
I really love that. I think we have to be careful, especially because not everyone in our lives is going to give us sound advice. Everyone's got that friend who, if you even hint at someone doing something that's not perfect, they're like, "Oh, get rid of them. Why would you even—I couldn't, I couldn't. You can't be dealing with that." And they're taking a person who's already anxious or angry or something and they're just agitating that.
And we want friends who help us regulate so that we can bring a powerful version of ourselves to whatever conversation we're having. And the more people you involve, the more likely it is you're going to have people who dysregulate you instead of regulate you.
Yeah, definitely. I often worry when people are very confessional, say on YouTube or in dating columns about being hopelessly single, because I'm like, do you want to—it's almost like, is it dangerous to cast yourself in that narrative?
Like in Nobody Wants This.
I haven't seen that.
Oh, very good. Very good.
That's that show that you watch anytime I tell you that I'm going to go to read.
Yes. Or anytime.
Guess Matthew doesn't want this.
Well, it's one of the few shows that we don't share. I think you'd actually really enjoy it if you watched it.
I know, but sooner or later, I have to be okay with certain shows that I'm not going to see otherwise.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So I often think of those Instagrammers or TikTokers that have whole accounts dedicated to single life, right? And they say sort of truisms about why they're waiting or why it's so hard to meet someone and not be you. And their content does really, really well, and I'm like, what happens when you're no longer single?
Your whole audience has been built on the relatability of being single and the struggle. Have you sort of built your own prison where you now can't graduate to a relationship without your whole audience going, "Well, you're not for me anymore. You used to make me feel good and now you make me feel terrible."
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David, you had some that we don't know. Should we continue with ours or should we get your weigh-in right now?
I'll let you know. I'm curious about what you guys think about these because I approached it from an angle when I thought about this episode. The first thing that I thought of recently was I've been really interested in sports psychology because there's a behavior that amazing athletes have that is almost the more powerful part of it than their physical attributes. And I think that you could apply some of this stuff to dating. And a coach who would give you really great advice on being a really mentally tough athlete could have some crossover. So I'm curious if you guys think that there is some.
I found this article on The Athletic where they interview a sports psychologist named Dr. Elizabeth Nobis. And the first one that really caught my eye for her micro habit—I want you guys to tell me, I won't tell you how I think that this relates to dating, but I want to get your guys' feedback on what you think. The first one that caught my eye was switch out the word "but" for "and."
I'm curious how that's been used in a sports context, but I think that lends itself very well to a conversational context because I think people often become competitive in the wrong ways in conversation.
So it's good to be able to disagree on things. It's good to be able to break rapport. It shows confidence that we can do that, that we don't have to agree on everything. It can even be kind of fun and sexy to talk about how you think differently. But when someone's telling you something and a competitive nature comes out where you're picking holes in what they're saying, as opposed to the "and," which is, "And this," "Oh, I see what you're saying. One of the things I would add is," which is a form of "and."
So to that extent, I have no idea if that relates to what's being said in the article, but I think that's a good conversational practice for someone that you're trying to build relatability with as opposed to egotistically, egoically competing with someone, which often takes the form of "buts."
I agree with that. But I'm curious, Audrey or Stephen, do you guys have an opinion on how this would be used in a—
Okay, my other version would be if you think they do a bad behavior and you say, "Yeah, but look at all these other great qualities they have," but that one behavior might be a real problem. So it might be better to say, "Yeah, they're smart and they're loving, and they're also really—when they get stressed, they're really nasty and cruel."
I think Dr. Ramani talks a bit about that, about using "ands." But don't say "but" to excuse someone's red flags.
Yeah, this is one of the key ideas. Dr. Ramani puts it so beautifully in recovery from narcissism, where she says exactly what you just pointed out. We think the good that someone does is confusing because we're like, "How could they do that horrible thing to me? How could they have been so callous, so mean, so this, if they're someone who's also capable of doing this beautiful thing? And they were so kind to me yesterday and they helped my brother when he was sick." All of these things that really confuse us when it comes to narcissism and toxic traits.
But as you rightly pointed out, Steve, her whole thing is it's about the "and." They helped my brother when he was sick and they cheated on me for five years.
Yes, in our relationship and they
Pathologically lied about XYZ. And actually, it's the “and” that allows us to maintain the complexity of someone having done good things and being a generally nice person some of the time, but also doing such horrendous things and being capable of such destruction that we can't have them anywhere near us.
That's right.
Yeah.
So, what is David's version?
Well, so in this—
We approach that in very different ways.
I think all of these are great pieces of advice. In the sports context, it's to help performance in that you can have two realities be true at the same time. So, for example, in here, “I'm uncomfortable and I can stay in the present. I'm angry and I can act like a good sport.”
So in dating, I thought this was transmutable in that you can be like, instead of, “I'm so nervous, but I can bring my best self to this,” it's like, “I'm so nervous and I can bring my best self.” Both things can be true.
I love that.
And if you think it, often this is very ingrained subconsciously, this kind of language. So Dr. No recommends that you give yourself some cues to help yourself remember. So, like painting one nail a different color than the rest, or on your computer screen adding a little Post-it note that just says “and” on it.
That's really good. I really like that. It's funny. It really ties into my other micro habit that I had for this episode.
The next one. Oh, your next one.
My next one, which was, the way I put it actually was to forgive yourself for your anxiety. But it actually ends up getting into very similar territory to what you just talked about because we go on dates and we often feel very anxious. We aren't getting a text back from someone and we feel really anxious. There's all these situations, or we have to go and talk to someone in the way that I've just expressed, and we feel anxious talking to someone.
And what happens when that anxiety takes hold is very often we start to beat ourselves up. We tell ourselves we're not good enough. We tell ourselves, “There must be something wrong with me. Why do I get so anxious all the time? I'm defective in some way.” And then we use it as a weapon of self-hatred in our lives.
The three things I think about here, and the reason I think of this as a habit, is it can be a trigger every time you get anxious to embed a new thought. So, a couple that I can throw out. One, make it normal. I heard Jesse Eisenberg talking about how he had a panic attack on set once in the middle of a scene, and he went up to the director. He said to the director, “Hey, I'm kind of having an issue right now. I'm super anxious and I'm just going in on myself.” And the director told everyone to take a five-minute break.
And then he said to Jesse Eisenberg, “Listen, you are having to remember lines, worry about how you're coming across, think about whether the makeup on your face looks good, do this, do that, all at the same time throughout the whole course of shooting a movie. I don't know how you do it.” He's like, “It would be weird to me if you weren't feeling like this all the time.” He made him feel like the whole situation is, of course, it's almost like it's designed to produce that.
And the gift that Jesse Eisenberg said it gave him was that he went, “Oh, I'm not a freak.” It actually made him feel normal.
Mhm.
For what he was feeling. And then that was a gift because all of a sudden he was able to go back and he could embrace it and say, “This is part of this thing that I'm doing.” So make it normal, accept it about yourself, and also recognize that you're definitely not the only one who feels these feelings.
When we exceptionalize ourselves, we think that no one else has these kinds of feelings but us. When you realize how common it is for other people to have these feelings, regardless of how composed they seem on the outside, it's actually a very powerful thing because, again, you go, “Oh, I'm not defective.”
Yes.
In some way, this is an extremely normal thing. I would argue about dating that, in the same way that that director talked about acting as this thing that feels like it's designed to produce that kind of emotion, dating feels like one of those things, too. You have this thing that you want more than anything on earth. For most people who want to find love, it's the number one thing they want in the world, is to find love. And you're not in control of it.
Someone else has to say yes, and then not just say yes once, but keep saying yes over and over and over again every day. Every time you go on a date, every time you're texting each other, when you decide to have a relationship, and every day after that. That's like it was designed to make you feel out of control and anxious. And when you realize that, you realize, “Oh, then I'm not crazy for feeling anxious about this thing that I care about so much that I'm not in full control of.”
When you realize that, it kind of frees you because you go, “I'm not weird. Other people feel this, too. This situation, of course, it would be weird if it didn't produce any of these feelings. I can now actually embrace it as just part of the process, and one that maybe it might be worth relaxing into a little bit because I can't just live in this state for the rest of my life. And probably the ability for someone to leave me never goes away, so I might as well relax into this.” So that would be mine, is forgive yourself for your anxiety and embrace it.
Odd.
This one might need a little bit of explaining, but I think a micro habit that can really, really help your love life and the success of dates and the attraction you get on dates is to avoid the urge to overshare.
This is a good one.
So many of us—I know people like this. I used to be a bit like this, actually. But people will say, “I'm an open book. What you see is what you get with me. I'm just someone—I'm an open book,” basically is kind of the gist. And they almost paint it out like it's a good thing, like it's a quality, an attribute. And of course, being vulnerable and being able to show different sides of yourself is a really positive thing. But I think we have to suspect ourselves if we almost default to this state of oversharing with strangers.
How would you define oversharing versus just being appropriately vulnerable to the stage of socializing you're in?
Well, I think it's all about what you're getting out of it. Okay, so this is where I think it's quite confusing and hard to explain. I mean, it is and it isn't for you guys because you obviously intuitively know what I'm talking about. But if I'm speaking to somebody whose behavior and whose pattern is to overshare, they might be like, “Oh, I think maybe I overshare. Do I overshare? But I'm an open book and that's who I am. And I don't think that's a bad thing. And if they can't accept me for who I am, then whatever. They're not my person.”
But I think it's about recognizing that information is power, first of all. And so that framework is really, really important, which is every time you share anything about yourself, you are giving maybe too much power to somebody who hasn't really earned it yet. And oftentimes we overshare because that's our comfort place. That's the place where we go.
And we do it for different reasons. Sometimes we do it to test people and see if we just tell them things about ourselves, will they still be there? Sometimes it's because we think that's the best way to connect with people, and we will share things that are not appropriate to share. But oftentimes it's because it is just a comfortable place to exist in dates. And so I think we just have to start to suspect ourselves and say, “Why am I feeling the urge to share this?” And taking a beat.
If you're hearing this and you're like, “Oh, maybe I am someone who overshares. I'm not entirely sure, but it's hitting a bit of a nerve,” then I think all that you have to do is take a pause before you share something that feels like it might be a vulnerable thing to share and just ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to share this right now? Is it appropriate that I share this right now? Has this information been earned? Have they asked for this information? And is it something that's appropriate to share with this stranger?” And I think that if we can just catch maybe even half of our oversharing, that will really raise the attraction that we're able to create with people.
Do you relate out there to the idea of oversharing? And if you do, tell us a story about it or a moment where you've overshared and regretted it, or even just what do you notice about that pattern? What need do you feel like it's meeting? Is it the need to fill an awkward silence? Is it the need to say something that you think will endear people to you? Is it the need to say something that shows people that you've had it hard because then it feels like you get sympathy? If you were being ultra honest, what do you think is the reason you overshare? Email us, podcast@matthewhussey.com. We would love to hear your answers.
I relate to having done this before. And there's still moments today where I say something and I'm like, “Why did I just tell that person that?”
You're quite good at not oversharing, though, actually, I would argue.
I've definitely gotten better.
Yeah. And I want to say the same thing. I want to say to anyone who is feeling called out in this, the reason I put it on there is because I relate to this, and I actually had to work quite hard in my 20s on not oversharing. I had a friend who told me, “You shouldn't tell people so much.” My friend Mahi, she said, “You shouldn't tell people so much about yourself. They don't deserve to know that about you.” And I was like, “What do you mean?” But it really taught me a great lesson.
And I think that actually it made me feel so much more in control when I was meeting strangers. And to this day, I feel like holding back appropriately with strangers makes you feel more in control and makes you more attractive, actually, because then you get to reveal yourself over time and people feel like they've really earned getting to know that about you. And also then you're not necessarily opening up to people who shouldn't know all of these things about you.
I start every single morning the same way. And no, it is not with coffee or tea. That comes second. The first thing I do before anything else is drink a glass of water with electrolytes in it. And Cure Hydration has become mine and Audrey's go-to. David, please toss me a few Cure Hydration packs. Thank you, David. None of these are berry pomegranate. Could I please have a berry pomegranate Cure Hydration pack?
Thank you. These hydrate better than water alone. They're clean, plant-based, and have zero added sugar. There are tons of great flavors: watermelon, blood orange, strawberry kiwi, and my personal favorite, berry pomegranate.
Staying hydrated is not just drinking water. You need electrolytes your body can actually use. And Love Life listeners get 20% off at curehydration.com/LOVELIFE with code LOVELIFE. And if you get a post-purchase survey, let them know that you heard about Cure right here. It helps support the show. Don't just drink more water, upgrade it with Cure.
All right. So, I'm just going to call it and say, even though I said we were going to do nine habits today, and I know, Audrey, you have more, David, you have more, we're not going to have time to do all nine. We've got places to be. One of them being Love Lifeline. We've got a pit stop there. We have an—
Don't you dare.
Let's have one more habit, and then you tell us out there if you want a part two to this episode. Podcast@matthewhussey.com. If you want to hear more micro habits that can change your love life, you let us know, and maybe we'll do another episode where we finish them off. Stephen, one more habit.
Be a bit of a mind reader. People like to hear about themselves. People like to hear about their personality, and you can be an observer and notice things about people.
What if you get it wrong?
Well, that's okay. You say it in a fun way, a playful way. Or if it's an admiring thing, it doesn't matter if you're wrong. You'd be like, “Oh, you're really good at blah blah blah. You're a really good listener, aren't you?” Or, “You're a really good storyteller. I noticed the way…” It doesn't matter if it's not 100% true. People go, “Oh, do you really think so?” But just being a bit of a mind reader—you have to think it. Yeah. But you notice something about someone, and people get a little buzz when they're seen. People love to be seen.
So even if it's not emotionally true for them because maybe they're not confident about that thing, you've noticed something, you believe it to be true, and you're telling them.
Yeah, exactly. And you're giving them that moment, a spotlight moment. And they might be like, “Oh no, actually I'm really shy.” That's fine. You can connect on that as well. But you'd be like, “Oh, well, you looked like you were so comfortable and in control.” But people love to get just a nugget about themselves. If you notice, be a bit of a detective. Just be a noticer.
I think in general, pointing out things that your partner or the person you're dating does well shows a generosity of spirit that's really attractive. And to your point, I think, who doesn't like to hear a compliment? Ed Mylett has this phrase he uses where he says, “Let me tell you about you.”
Yes.
And he's big on that. And I like that idea, the way you put it there, Stephen, of spotlighting something, giving them a moment in the spotlight. I think that's very beautiful.
Yeah, that's it.
Very good. Well, here's what we covered. We had micro missions in conversation. That was number one. We had throw out conversational hooks. That was yours, Stephen, number two. “Don't turn your dating life into a public soap opera” was yours, Audrey. I like that one. Mine, which I'm actually going to combine with David's, was—you framed it as “embrace the and, not the but.”
Replace.
Replace.
Replace “but” with “and.” And mine was forgive yourself for your anxiety and embrace it. And I actually think those are very connected concepts. The idea that you can be afraid, you can be anxious, and you can still be fully involved in your love life, I think, is a great, lovely concept. And then, Stephen, be a bit of a mind reader.
And don't overshare on dates.
Oh, I forgot to write that one down. Don't overshare.
So, we actually got through six. No, I really like that one. That was six. Okay, six micro habits to change your love life. Let us know what your favorite one was in the comments and on our emails, podcast@matthewhussey.com. I really enjoyed that. I think that's going to help some people.
Let me read some comments that have come through on a recent episode we did called “Did Millennials Ruin Dating for Gen Z?” We had some interesting comments on this one. This one from a Gen Z listener, Samurai 137X, says, “To hear a millennial say that we have opted out of dating to focus on our mental health feels like a gross oversimplification. It's not that we don't want to date. It's that dating for us has been made
Such a slog that the mental toll of it simply isn't worth it. It's not a game of benefits. It's a game of detriments.
Well, I'll say this, Samurai 137. You have a lot in common with other age groups because that is certainly not a sentiment that is limited to the Gen Z among you. You speak to people in their 50s or 60s dating, and they will tell you it's not a game of benefits, as you put it. It's a game of detriments, and it's simply easier to opt out.
I'm glad you said it. Of course, to say that Gen Z have opted out of dating is a gross simplification to begin with, but the idea that those who have opted out to focus on their mental health—of course, we're people. We chase pleasure. We chase reward. We chase the happiness in life, and if we feel that those things aren't on offer in our dating lives and it's just rejection after rejection, or it's just chaos, or it's nonsense all the time from people, or dating apps are just terrible, it's understandable for anyone to want to opt out.
But I hope, even where we began this episode of setting ourselves micro missions in the real world, I hope that that lands because I truly believe that the great equalizer for everybody who's alive today, no matter what generation, is if you learn the skills to connect with people in the world. It puts you so far ahead of everybody else in the opportunity that you're able to create. Because no matter what, no matter how many of us are on our phones, people exist and they are out there doing things. If we can connect with them, we won't have to rely on these things that have made it so unenjoyable in the first place.
I also want to point out, however, that there is the caveat that many people in their early 20s who are dating are not easy people to date because we're all learning in our early 20s. We make a lot of mistakes, and when we make mistakes in love, we cause other people a lot of pain. So you are in an age group where people are making a lot of mistakes and hurting each other a lot. The good news is you will get older, and so will everybody else.
Someone here says, culture clash hash says, "This was a great podcast. It took me so long to realize that there was nothing wrong with me when I found myself falling into a situationship or with extremely avoidant men. They simply lied to me in order to get me to lower my walls for emotional or sexual purposes and then left. It was not my fault that I believed them."
Yeah, I think it's a really, really good point. There's so many people who are chasing pleasure. They're chasing some validation that they want, and they have figured out what they need to say in the early stages in order to get it. So it's like saying someone walked down the street and mugged you. You got mugged as you were walking down the street and then blaming yourself for walking down the street. No, you got mugged.
Modern dating simply changed as this behavior became the norm. And it's just so rare to find someone intentionally looking for one person to get into an actual relationship in today's world compared to previous generations. Millennials were the guinea pig generation for dating apps and social media, and we are now seeing the repercussions of it. One thing I promised myself in this modern dating era: never let these heartbreaks fully kill the lover girl inside of me yearning to come out for the right partner. I'm lucky to have found someone amazing to date at the moment purely through luck and timing.
It's probably a good time to shout out Sync for anyone who's not on the waitlist. We have created an AI-driven matchmaking app that is specifically designed for people who are being very intentional about dating. And I joked with my co-founder just the other day, where we were both laughing because we said the person who goes through the Sync process who just wants sex or is just looking to get a quick fix, they're going to be scared off by this process because you're actually going to have to talk to Sync a lot, and it's going to get to know you, and it's going to get to understand you, and it's a whole process. And that process absolutely does not reward people who are just looking for superficial connections.
If you want to join the waitlist, talktosync.com is the link. Sync is spelled S-Y-N-C, talktosync.com. We're launching in New York first, but it will be everywhere.
We're really excited about this. I feel like you're just glossing over it. But actually this is going to be—we're really, really excited about this.
Because we have so much to do in this episode. But I agree with you. This is a big, big deal.
I know.
It's a big deal.
It's a big deal, and it's our best attempt at trying to fix the problem of dating apps.
No small feat.
No small feat. Not easy, but hey, we're giving it a shot. We're giving it a shot. We want to give people something better than what's on offer right now.
Thank you so much for everyone who is commenting on the podcast. We love reading the comments. It provides really great discussion points for the episodes.
Do you know something else we love?
Go on.
Our Love Lifeline callers.
We certainly do.
David, do the honors.
Hi, Matthew. Hi, Audrey. My question is based on the discussion with Lydia and all the things that you said, Matthew. My situation isn't money, but there is that back and forth of I set boundaries and he gets upset or frustrated or mad, and I pull away and he straightens up. And at what point is that just, maybe that's normal? I'm pretty sure that there's definitely—well, there's an—how do you know when it's the best you're going to get? Because of the way I pick people, because of the way I'm presenting in the world, because the way I teach people how to treat me. How do we know when you just say, "Okay, it's good enough"?
Thank you. And that was from Kim. So thanks, Kim, for sending in that question. I wonder if it might be worth thinking about the question a little differently, because the idea of best we're ever going to get, that will drive a person insane.
If I'm not careful, that will put me in optimization mode in my love life. Always looking for something better, always looking for, well, maybe I could get a bit more of this or a bit less of that. And human beings aren't stats cards that we're exchanging this one for someone with higher stats. In reality, every time we exchange one human being for another, we're exchanging an entire suite of qualities and behaviors and mindsets and beliefs for a completely different set of behaviors and mindsets and qualities and beliefs. So we have to be very careful with thinking, is this the best I'm going to get?
I would say a better question is, does this represent a connection, a teammate, a team that I'm going to be really happy with over the course of my life? Not just, am I happy today, but is this the kind of connection that I think could make me happy over time? Because if the answer is no, that's really the only relevant question.
You don't need to worry if someone you're with isn't making you happy. If you don't feel at peace in your relationship, then it's better not to be in one. As opposed to thinking, could I do better, I would be thinking, can I be happy here? Because I believe you can be happy not there. I believe you can be happy if you're not in this relationship, regardless of whether another person comes along to replace him. So you're not pitting him against other potential relationships. You're pitting him against a reality where you are finding that happiness without a person. You're pitting him against every other scenario in your life in which you could be happy that doesn't involve him.
So asking, can I do better, is almost like coming from a place of scarcity. It's coming from a place of fear. It's coming from a place of lack, of, but what if I can't find anything better than this? As opposed to asking yourself, in some ways, the more challenging question, which is, can I be happy in this? Because that's actually a much more confronting question.
In a way, your question gives you an easy way out because if you can convince yourself that there's nothing better out there, if you can hear enough horror stories from friends about how miserable dating is, then you can default to being in this relationship because you go, I'm not going to meet anyone better, or dating is a war zone and I don't want to be in it again. It actually allows you to default to something that is not good or doesn't make you happy. Whereas confronting head-on, am I happy here? Can I be happy here?
When we have these moments, every relationship is going to come with moments where you say something you don't like or appreciate, or you have a chat with someone about something maybe you've become a little resentful of, or very resentful of, and there's a correction, hopefully, right? And then we have to ask ourselves, has this corrected to the center enough for me to be able to exist here happily? And those are the questions I would be asking yourself.
Okay, I said in a recent video that people loved on our Instagram, you have to marry someone that you argue well with, right? Because arguing well is going to make life a lot easier than being with someone where you don't argue well. And I define arguing well as, can you have compassionate arguments? Do you see each other's point of view? Do you take turns in saying sorry, or is it always the same person who has to say sorry in order for things to get better? What's your recovery time? Does it take you 10 minutes or half an hour to get good again with someone? Or does it take you days of coldness and stonewalling and being made to feel miserable or beg for someone to give you the smallest of affections again?
Of course, if you have a very toxic style of arguing, that's something you should get help for if you're not solving it on your own. And if it doesn't improve, you don't want to be with someone where the arguments are toxic all the time. You're going to argue with people in relationships, but don't stay in a relationship where the arguments themselves are a form of destruction.
But after you've had imperfect disagreements, which even the best relationships will have imperfect disagreements, does it actually correct enough for you to be happy? Are you happy with the—you've said some things. Maybe you didn't always say them perfectly. You can always apologize for that. Hey, I've spoken about things that I was frustrated about or resentful of, and I've not always been proud of the way I've done that. You can always apologize for the way you've brought something up, but that doesn't change the fact that you need something to shift in order to be happy, and you have to be honest with yourself about whether those shifts really take place.
So those would be some things to think about. There's no easy answers on these ones, but don't compare it with other relationships you could have. Compare it with the many, many, many different ways that you could be happy in life, regardless of whether you ever find another relationship.
Thank you so much for your question. If you want to be on Love Lifeline, we would love to hear your question. Email us with a voice note around 30 seconds, not too long or we won't be able to play it. You don't want to get disqualified just because your voice note is too long. But you can email your voice note to podcast@matthewhussey.com, and we'll try and feature it in an upcoming episode.
Well, it's that time again.
Oh my God, the evils I'm getting, for all of our audio listeners, as I was about to announce.
It is time. What? David.
I was going to just steal it from you.
What is happening today?
I was going to go, it's time for Steve's Sleeves.
There's not enough E's in sleeves.
Oh, it's more E's on the sleeve. I'll work on it. I'll work on it. It's that time again. How does it go? How does it go for Steve? Oh, there are quite a few E's in Steve. Steve.
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We got a great show for you tonight.
Why'd you do that?
Jon Stewart always does that at the beginning of his show, and he's always like—
He scribbles on his paper.
I think I've seen him do that. Yeah, he—
Does it every time. And he holds—
How will you read Steve's Sleeves now?
Well, how does Jon Stewart do? Don't do what? Who cares how Jon Stewart does it? You're Steve. There is no other Steve in Steve's Sleeves.
It's not Jon Stewart's Sleeves.
Yeah, it's not Jon's Sleeves. That wouldn't even work.
I just think I'd be a good late-night host. Don't be ber. You know that we can't live without another episode of Steve.
Okay, everyone. So we are going to play Replace That Habit.
Okay.
Talked about the good. Let's talk about the bad, people.
Okay.
We're going to talk about some bad love life habits, and you're going to tell me how you can improve them or turn them around.
Okay.
Optional extra. Audrey told us about one of her bad habits, which was oversharing. Do you have any you used to do, Matthew?
Probably the best person to ask is Audrey.
Well, what about ones that impinged you in your dating?
When I was single and dating?
Too judgmental.
Shots fired.
I'm just throwing out options.
Okay. You got any more?
See, this seems loaded.
Undersharing. Yeah, I don't know what you got.
You're always well-groomed, so that one's fine.
I would say I had so many. I mean, I—
You're very guarded. May I say you were more guarded?
So, in what way?
Just kept your cards close to your chest. Didn't want to let anyone in too much.
I think that you're also very defensive, like right now and during dating.
Sorry, I didn't know Steve's Sleeves this week was going to be an ambush.
I was just curious, just seeing what we got.
It seems like you're not curious. It seems like you already have all the answers.
Did you text too much? Too much texting?
You should have seen the ones that he crossed out when he started the segment. Those were the ones you didn't want to hear. No, I don't disagree with, I think, what you've said. I was—
All the above.
Yeah.
Okay.
I was also just too careless with people's hearts. I think that was my biggest offense that I committed, that I regret, in some cases deeply, is not being careful with people's hearts.
Well.
What about you?
Let's keep it professional. We—
This is uneven. You know ours, we need to know yours.
I didn't like it. I told this before. If someone criticized something, I just thought, well, this is not going to work.
Defensive.
I just felt—
Hypersensitive. I just felt like, oh, well, there we go. Here's the start of it. And then I'd sort of think there was an indicator that—
Judgmental.
It was not going to work.
Sounds quite judgmental.
Not judgment. I didn't want to be judged.
Very avoidant.
Avoidant.
It was quite avoidant.
Sorry. I was trying to do what you just did to Matt.
So yeah, probably creating a story like, ah, they gave a short answer, so this is over. Creating a story too quickly.
Seinfeld sketch.
It's over, Jerry. Yeah, it's like, oh, well, they gave a short answer. This is over. Being a bit too quick to sort of
So, sorry. Was there going to be a Steve Sleeves today or was it just—
Well, this is good stuff. Nail everyone at the end of the episode.
This is good stuff. So, we could stop there, but let's keep going. So replace that habit: waiting until you feel 100% confident before you date or approach someone.
Well, I think we can use the replace the “but” with an “and” on this one.
Oh, yeah. That's right. We had a solution. I think that is the best solution.
That's good. It's already, already, David, well done. You've solved that problem.
Sports psychology, baby. You have a bad habit of stalking your exes online.
So, you have to give suggestions to break the habit. These are bad habits that impinge your love life.
Yeah.
And I want you to either give a mindset shift or something you could replace that with that's healthier.
Well, I think firstly just recognizing what it really is. You're seeking happiness or control in the wrong place. What's the thing you're hoping for? You're going to an ex's profile, ostensibly curious, but really seeking, where am I in life in comparison to my ex?
Well, it depends how long ago you broke up, right? Is it right after a breakup in this scenario?
Maybe you just keep doing it and you keep comparing, like they've moved on. Oh, that ex is now—
Yeah. The way I heard that is as a kind of chronic behavior.
Yes.
Right.
So it's a kind of measuring stick all the time of, where am I in my life compared to other people? That ex, oh no, they've met someone. I'm behind. Oh no, one's about to have a baby. Oh no. And we shouldn't be measuring our success in relation to other people in that way in the first place.
So I think that recognizing my happiness will never lie in comparing myself to people in this way. My ex, their life has no relevance to mine whatsoever. None. No more relevance than the person who just walked down the street outside your house. They have no relevance to your life. And seeing this as just an act of self-harm, like every time I do this I'm self-harming. I think when you can frame it that way, you can interrupt that. You can have a habit interrupt in those moments. And there are plenty of things we do that with.
You can block them.
Yeah. I think I'm all for systems that make it easier for you to do.
I think if you find yourself compulsively going, block them because then it removes the activation energy. Sorry, it increases the activation energy, and you have to go and unblock them to look at them, which will probably stop you from looking at them.
Whereas I think it's a little bit like when you just go on Instagram. I've started taking Instagram and putting it on a random page of my apps because then I have to search for it, and then by the time I'm searching for it I'm like, why am I searching for Instagram? So then I don't go on it. And I think things like that can be helpful as well when you're doing it mindlessly.
Yeah. Okay. Next habit.
Mistaking intensity for intimacy. They texted like eight times in the last—we text back and forth for eight hours. That's like—
Well, that can—
It's going to last forever.
That can be a sign that they're into you.
Can be, but what if it's a bombardment? What if it's just all very hot and intense, but you project for—
Well, I think you just have to adopt a “we'll see” mindset and not let yourself get too excited by the early stages. You can have a really fun and positive and amazing day at work or with your friends or on a date or whatever. But what's really going to tell you whether or not this is the right job for you, this is going to be your best friend, this is going to be the love of your life, is whether or not over time you consistently have those positive experiences with them.
And so to not judge and measure too quickly, both positively and negatively, I think, is a good way to look at that.
Yeah, I think think about all the things that you actually need in order to know that you've got a bulletproof relationship. You need to have your first fight. You need to have year one happen and see what happens when you are no longer in that intense phase. You need to see who they are around the other important parts of your life and your friends and your family and whether they respect those other important parts of your life.
You need to see who they are when you have to say, “No, I can't do something that night or that week, or we're in a busy month right now, so we have to adjust how much time we can see each other.” In order to have a relationship over time, you need to see—there are so many different contexts that still have to play out. And I think it's a good reminder, a good habit to get into, is to stay connected with how many different ways this thing, this relationship, still has to be seen for you to know just how important it's eventually going to be in your life.
The same is true in business, by the way. You can have a business deal come through and you could be very excited about it and it can seem like it has tons of potential and all of that. You can also temper that enthusiasm with, there's so many tests that this deal has to go through still. There's so many different parts of the relationship this new partnership has to go through, and I hope it becomes what I hope it will become, but I don't need to. I can enjoy it now and still maintain that I can only know one small piece of it at this stage. And that's the key to having it both ways. Enjoy it and also understand how many ways it hasn't proven itself yet.
Okay. You always get into debates in your dates. It always ends up competitive and you end up batting opinions back and forth and it gets a little bit feisty but not really connection.
I think you need your buffer words and your buffer sentences, like “but I could be wrong,” or “this is just my opinion,” or “I'm curious to know what you think about this because what I think is this.” I think you need to think going into the conversation, how can you insert some buffer words and sentences that make it not sound combative and instead sound like a debate and a conversation?
That's very good. Yeah.
Because I think that's a common bad dating habit when people are used to, maybe if they're smart, they're used to having a lot of strong thoughts on something. And it just kind of kills all the bit of you coming together. It turns into who's right, who's got the better thing, the better point.
There was something I read recently. I think I talked about it before on the podcast, but it was this idea. I read it on our friend Chris Williamson's, a post that he did. I don't even think necessarily he came up with this, but he posted about it. But I thought it was really clever. It was this idea of reverse charisma and how we spend so much time trying to be charismatic and likable that we forget that what makes people actually warm to us is making them feel charismatic and likable.
And so if you feel like you have a propensity for debate and wanting to be right, just try and connect with the truth that that's actually not the way to make people like you. Instead, if you can make them feel interesting in a debate and you can make them feel like they've come out of it being able to flex a little bit about the things that they know, you're way more likely to get a better result in terms of that person liking you and wanting to spend more time with you. So reverse charisma. I think of this often.
Well, that's what Shakespeare as well said about Sir John Falstaff, didn't he?
Yeah.
Not just a wit,
but a cause of wit in others.
That's right.
You make people feel funnier
and more interesting and smarter
for being around you.
That was a nice duet.
It was. We English boys know our Shakespeare, don't we?
It was a great impromptu duet.
All right, everyone. Thank you for playing Steve Sleeves. Take us out, house band. D.
Why? Why the lack of enthusiasm?
Oh, I was doing the pen thing.
No, but he was—
No one who's listening to the podcast can see you doing the pen thing.
Right, now you tell me.
So I suppose all that's left to do is thank our lovely listeners for being here. We really appreciate you. Leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify. We really appreciate the reviews. We really do, by the way. That's not just something we say. If you go there now and leave us even a one-line review letting us know what you think of the podcast, it means the world to us.
And other than that, we'll see you next time. Don't forget to go and check out our Black Friday offer for Matthew AI where you can get free access to ask me anything you want for 14 whole days. Go check it out at askmh.com, only for Black Friday. Thank you so much for watching or listening to this podcast. We so appreciate you all and we'll see you next time.
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