The Four Levels of Importance: Matthew Hussey's Framework for Judging Whether Someone Is Right for You
Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey, a relationship coach who says he has spent two decades coaching hundreds of thousands of people and is the author of the book Love Life, opens this video with a personal reason for revisiting an old question. Becoming a father, Hussey says, drove home how important it is to choose the right partner, because that choice "shapes everything that comes after it": finances, parenting, how well a couple copes with illness, and more. The video's question is how to tell whether a person is actually right for you rather than simply exciting to you. Hussey's answer is a four-part model he calls the "four levels of importance."
Why this decision is harder than it looks
Hussey argues the stakes are especially high for people who already have a good life as a single person. If your life is peaceful and your routine works, he asks, why disrupt it and put your future on the line "for just anybody"?
He also says modern dating and social media have made the decision harder. He points to three problems: conflicting advice online, clichés that "fall apart under the complexities of real life," and what feels like an endless buffet of options that leaves people paralyzed and unable to decide. The framework is meant to cut through that noise.
When feeling certain is misleading
Hussey says many people, himself included, are poor judges of what will make them happy in the long term. He never trusted the "when you know, you know" idea. Having struggled with anxiety for much of his life, he tended to overthink and second-guess his romantic decisions.
Ironically, he says, the times he did feel certain about someone had nothing to do with how right the person was for him. They had everything to do with how much that person triggered his insecurity. In his words, he "wasn't certain they were right for me," he was "just certain I had to have them, even if it cost me my voice."
He connects this to what first grabs our attention, and argues those things have little bearing on future happiness. His examples include someone who commands a room, someone charismatic at parties, or someone whose job impresses your friends. Hussey says these aren't bad qualities if you want short-term excitement or a partner to show off on Instagram. He then asks whether any of them will help in the situations that actually test a relationship:
- being sick while a baby is crying and your partner has to tend to it
- losing your job and needing to lean on your partner for a few months
- dealing with an illness and needing emotional support
High standards in the wrong places
From his coaching work, Hussey describes a recurring pattern. Many clients say their problem is having high standards. What they often mean, in his view, is that they are very picky about superficial traits. On how emotionally safe they want to feel, how someone treats them, and whether that person shows up on their hardest days, he says, they have no standards. That, he argues, is why they keep trying to win over people who make them feel terrible.
This is the distinction the whole model rests on. If you want to know who excites you, Hussey says, you don't need him; just follow your feelings. If you want to know who is right for you, you need a way to manage those feelings in early dating, decide whom to invest in, and make a long-term choice that you won't spend years recovering from. He asks viewers who are currently seeing someone to keep that person in mind while he walks through the four levels.
Level one: admiration
The first level is admiration: finding someone attractive, intriguing, or impressive. It might be someone on social media you share mutual friends with, someone you've noticed all night at a party, or even a celebrity you'll likely never meet. At this stage the other person may not know you exist. Hussey hopes everyone can agree this level "isn't very important."
Level two: mutual attraction, and why it clouds judgment
The second level is mutual attraction, when a connection is made and the interest goes both ways. Hussey says this stage feels hugely important because, in today's dating world, having someone you like like you back can feel like "a celestial event that will not occur for another decade," so people cling to it. This is where the chemistry happens, and it can feel like enough to decide you've found your soulmate.
Hussey's warning is that mutual attraction tells you nothing about how good this person would be in a relationship, or whether they can have one at all. The danger is that once the interest is mutual, we stop being objective because the stakes feel so high. The situation could become the meaningful relationship we've dreamed of, or it could end up as "another dreaded situationship." Afraid of messing it up, he says, we stop thinking straight.
Level three: commitment
The third level is commitment, when both people say yes. Hussey is specific about what does not count: "maybe," "we'll see," or "work is busy right now, but maybe in the future." He jokes that someone who says their heart belongs to the open ocean is a pirate, and "we shouldn't date pirates." Real commitment, as he describes it, means both people showing up and enthusiastically committing to each other.
He anticipates the objection that commitment must be the final stage. It isn't, he says. It is only level three, and without the fourth level any relationship is "doomed to fail."
Level four: compatibility
The fourth and most important level is compatibility. Hussey puts it this way: commitment can keep you together for a while, but compatibility tells you whether the relationship can actually work. Chemistry tells you there's a spark. Compatibility asks whether your morality and values align, whether your lifestyles fit together, and whether you want the same future.
He says anyone who has had commitment without compatibility knows the "special kind of hell" it can be. He ties this back to the opening: such a relationship can cost you your health, finances, relationship with your children, career, future, and your voice.
The difficulty, Hussey notes, is that you can't judge life-partner compatibility from an online dating photo and a few prompts, many of which people don't even fill out. Chemistry, and its absence, is felt immediately. Compatibility is not.
Can chemistry grow?
Hussey takes attraction seriously. He describes himself as a sexual being who cares a lot about physical attraction, and he says he would never advocate dating someone you feel no chemistry with. Some desire or spark has to be there. So he asks: if you've found someone you feel compatible with, can attraction grow?
His answer is "yes and no." It is unlikely to grow if you feel repelled, are chronically bored, don't respect the person, or feel no physical attraction at all. Beyond that, he suggests two ways to get out of your own way.
The first is to stop confusing anxiety with chemistry. The highs and lows, the waiting, the chasing, and the euphoria of getting just enough of someone to stay hooked can all feel like passion. If someone suddenly seems more exciting at the moment they pull away, Hussey says, that isn't attraction; "that's your nervous system getting hijacked."
The second is to make room for less expected forms of chemistry once you've detoxed from what he calls the "synthetic" chemistry of emotional scarcity. His examples include quiet confidence, meaning not the person who owns the room like the people we fell for in the past but the one who doesn't feel the need to, and the particular attraction of seeing someone at their best doing something they're good at. Such a person, he says, might make you feel better than you've ever felt: "Not more excited, better."
Settling for versus settling on
This leads to a distinction Hussey considers central. Choosing someone who makes you feel better, even if they aren't who your younger self pictured, is not settling for that person. It is settling on them. "What the hell did they know?" he asks about that younger self.
Settling for someone, in his framing, means shortchanging yourself. Settling on someone is a deliberate and powerful choice. You acknowledge that you could keep exploring the dating pool forever, and instead you choose to commit to building something extraordinary with one person.
Don't call it a soulmate yet
Hussey advises against spending more energy than a person deserves on someone you met at a party or a bar, had a great conversation with, but who can't show up for you. That person is not your soulmate. They might become one someday, he allows, if they showed up consistently, you got to know each other, and you stuck together through good times and bad. But you can't project forward to a future that doesn't exist yet. He compares it to having a business idea you've done nothing with and telling everyone it has already made you millions.
Conclusion: love is not all you need
Hussey closes by telling viewers who want something serious to "shift your lens." What you have with someone has to go beyond chemistry, beyond connection, and even beyond commitment, because many couples who commit still don't make it. His reason: in romantic relationships, love is not all you need, and it doesn't conquer all. Compatibility does.
He ends by asking viewers whether the framework helps them see how incompatible they were with someone they fell for in the past, and what made them incompatible.
I recently became a dad. And one of the crucial things, one of the many crucial things it taught me is how extraordinarily important it is to pick the right partner in life. Picking the partner that you spend the rest of your life with might be the most important decision you make because it shapes everything that comes after it. Your finances, the way you parent, how well you overcome or manage illness, and so much more.
This is not a decision we should take lightly, especially if you have a pretty good life right now as a single person. Why would you rock your peace and your routine and put your future on the line for just anybody?
And yet modern dating and social media have made this decision more difficult than ever. There is conflicting advice online. There are too many clichés that fall apart under the complexities of real life. And there are seemingly an endless buffet of options that paralyze us into indecision when it comes to picking who is right for us. In this video, I want to give you a framework that I have developed to help you cut through the noise.
For everyone new here, I am Matthew Hussey. I've spent the last two decades coaching hundreds of thousands of people about love and relationships. My latest book, Love Life, was an international bestseller on this subject. Subscribe and like this video, and let's dive into today's topic.
A lot of people are bad judges of what will make them happy long term, myself included. I struggled with this for a long time. That whole "when you know, you know" shtick didn't sit right with me. Because I don't know about you, but as someone who struggled with anxiety for a lot of life, I had a habit of overthinking and questioning my decisions when it came to love. And ironically, anytime I did feel certain about someone, it had nothing to do with how right that person was for me, and everything to do with how much that person triggered my insecurity. I wasn't certain they were right for me. I was just certain I had to have them, even if it cost me my voice.
The problem is partly to do with what initially grabs our attention and how little connection that thing actually has to our future happiness. Maybe you're attracted to the way a person can command a room when they walk into it or how much charisma they have at parties or what your friends think about this person's job. Now, these aren't bad qualities when it comes to short-term excitement or if our priority is to find someone who's great to show off on Instagram, but are any of these characteristics ones that will help you when you are sick and have a crying baby that your partner needs to tend to, or when you've lost your job and you need to lean on your partner for support for a few months until you find your footing again, or when you're dealing with an illness and you need emotional support?
I have coached many people who claim their problem is that they have high standards when what they really mean is, "I am super picky when it comes to superficial traits." When it comes to how safe they want to feel emotionally, how they're treated by someone or whether that person actually shows up for them on their hardest days, they have no standards, which is why they keep trying to win someone over who makes them feel terrible.
Look, if you want to know who excites you in dating, you don't need me for that. Just follow your feelings in dating, but if you want to know who's right for you, I have a four-part model that you can rely on to manage your feelings in early dating, know who you should invest in and make sure your decision about who you spend your life with is not something you spend years recovering from but instead ages like a fine Medjool date.
Your folds and wrinkles have only increased your allure with time.
The model is called the four levels of importance because it gives you a way of measuring how important what you have with someone really is. So, if you have someone right now in your life, think about them as you listen to this model.
The first level of this model is admiration. You may find someone attractive, intriguing, impressive. Maybe it's someone on social media you have mutual friends with, or it's someone at a party you've been noticing all night. It could even be a celebrity you've never met and maybe will never meet. At this stage, you are just admiring this person. They may not even know you exist. Hopefully, we can all agree that this level isn't very important.
The second level is mutual attraction. This is when you've made a connection with someone. It seems massively important because you've not only met someone you like, but they like you back, which in dating today can feel like a celestial event that will not occur for another decade. So, we can't let it go. It is where all of that glorious chemistry happens, and it feels like the most important thing in the world. It feels like all we need to decide that this is the person I am supposed to be with, my soulmate. But mutual attraction can't tell you how great this person would be inside of a relationship, or whether this person is even capable of having one in the first place.
Here's the danger. When someone we like likes us back, we stop being objective because the stakes feel so impossibly high. We know that this stage has the possibility of becoming the meaningful relationship we've always dreamt about. But it also has the possibility of winding up as just another dreaded situationship. So, we become someone who's frightened to mess it up. We stop thinking straight.
If you're wondering whether someone you have mutual attraction with can turn into something more, I can help you with that. You can ask me about your particular situation using Matthew AI. It is built on 20 years of my coaching, and you will feel like you are talking to me directly, getting very nuanced answers to your tailored situation. The details of your situation matter to the answer I give you. And while I can't reach through the screen and get the details I need from you in this video, I actually can using Matthew AI.
Go to AskMH.com. This is free to try, so just give it a go, and it remembers your conversation, so you can come back to it as the situation unfolds and give it more detail. If this video is resonating with you, why not find out how it applies to your situation directly?
Let's move on to level three of our model, commitment. This is the stage where both people say yes, not maybe, not "we'll see," not "work is busy right now, but maybe in the future," and not "my heart belongs to the open ocean, to the salt and spray of Mother Nature's deep blue," because then they would be a pirate. And I don't say this enough, but we shouldn't date pirates. It is the stage where both people show up and are enthusiastically committing to each other.
Now, I know what you're thinking, surely commitment is the final stage. Surely that's enough. But commitment is only stage three. Without the fourth and final part of our model, any relationship is doomed to fail. Level four is compatibility.
Commitment can keep you together for a time, compatibility tells you if it can actually work between you. Chemistry tells us there's a spark. Compatibility asks if our morality and our values align, if our lifestyles work together, and if we want the same futures. While chemistry is lovely, what is truly valuable is whether the relationship actually works. And anyone who has ever had commitment without compatibility knows the special kind of hell it can be. Leave me a comment if you've been there before. It can cost you the things that we talked about in the beginning of this video, like your health, your finances, your relationship with your kids, your career, your future, your voice.
Now, here's the problem. It's not easy to judge life mate level compatibility from a profile picture in online dating and a few prompts, many of which people don't even fill out. And herein lies the danger. Chemistry feels immediate, and so does the absence of it when we don't feel it. Not to mention many of us, myself included, are sexual beings who care deeply about physical attraction. We can't fathom dating someone that we don't feel chemistry with, and we do not want to settle. Now, I would never advocate for that. There needs to be some amount of desire or spark.
So, if you have met someone with whom you feel compatible, can attraction and chemistry grow? The answer is yes and no. It is unlikely to grow if you feel repelled, chronically bored, don't respect the person, or physical attraction is entirely absent. But there are things you can do to get out of your own way when it comes to chemistry.
We can stop confusing anxiety with genuine chemistry. The highs, the lows, the waiting, the chasing, the euphoria when we get just enough of someone to keep us hooked, all of that can feel like passion and chemistry. But if someone suddenly feels more exciting to you at the moment they pull away, that's not attraction, that's your nervous system getting hijacked.
We can also make space for the surprising ways that chemistry can show up when we detox from this synthetic form of it that comes from emotional scarcity. Maybe it's a quiet confidence, not of the person who owns the room like the people we fell for in the past, but the person who doesn't feel the need to. Or the unique attraction you feel the first time you see someone performing in their element.
This kind of person might actually make you feel better than you've ever felt. Not more excited, better. And when that's true, you won't be settling for that person, you'll be settling on that person. They may not be the person your younger self wanted you to be with, but what the hell did they know? Instead, a wiser you will be making an intentional and conscious decision to invest in someone who is awesome.
Settling for someone means shortchanging yourself. Settling on someone is powerful. You have acknowledged that you could stay in the dating pool endlessly exploring options, but instead you are choosing someone and committing to building something extraordinary with them.
Do not waste more energy than you should on the person you met at the party or the bar who you had a great conversation with, but who can't show up for you. That is not your soulmate. Maybe one day they could be if they showed up consistently in your life, you got to know each other and they stuck together with you through good times and bad, but you cannot project forward to a future that doesn't exist yet and say you found your soulmate. That's like having a business idea we've done nothing with and telling everyone around us it's already made us millions of dollars.
If you're looking for something serious, it is time to shift your lens. What you have with someone has to go beyond chemistry. It has to go beyond connection. It even has to go beyond commitment because many couples who commit never make it. Why? Because in romantic relationships, love is not all you need and it doesn't conquer all. Compatibility does.
Does this perspective help you realize how incompatible you were with someone you fell for in the past? What made you incompatible with that person? I'd love to know. Tell me in the comments. I will be reading them and responding to them personally. I'll see you soon.
Article published · Updated