Audrey Hussey on Anxiety, Self-Worth, and the Text That Changed Her Relationship with Matthew
Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey usually answers viewers' love-life questions himself. In this video he hands the chair to his wife, Audrey, who he says "did not want to do this video" and needed a great deal of convincing. Viewers had asked to hear from her directly. The questions came from YouTube comments and from the Love Life coaching community, where Audrey works as a coach and mentor.
The questions fall into two groups: questions about Audrey herself, and questions about her relationship with Matthew. Across her answers, Audrey argues that security, self-worth, and good relationship choices come from deliberate effort and hard experience, not from having everything figured out. She also says her aim in dating was never to win over a particular man. Her aim was to find the right partner.
The Relationship as Context
Matthew opens with some background. The couple met about six years ago, have been in a relationship for over five years, and have been married for two years, going on three. At the time of recording they had a son of three or four months. Matthew says he has "never been more at peace in a relationship" and has "never been close to this happy." He describes Audrey as someone who has taught him and changed him a great deal.
Why She Seems Secure: Finding Connection Elsewhere
A YouTube commenter asked how Audrey stays so confident and secure. The viewer assumed she had been through the same experiences as many women but had stayed true to herself anyway.
Audrey thanks the viewer for the compliment on her looks and notes that she is three months postpartum. She then questions the premise. She has always identified as more anxious, and says she is "anxiously attached, in fact." She does not describe herself as naturally secure.
The idea that helped her, she explains, is that "one of the antidotes to anxiety is actually connection." In her view, people looking for love are often looking for belonging and acceptance. They want to feel worthy and want the other person to accept them. Dating is shaky ground for that need, because you often don't know how someone feels about you. So instead of seeking certainty from the person she was dating, she built connection and belonging in her friendships and family. Feeling seen and accepted in those relationships took pressure off meeting new people she liked.
She stresses that this took effort. It is "very active work" that does not happen on its own, "certainly not for me," and she says she is far from perfect at it. It required discipline and a repeated shift of focus. She would move her attention away from her uncertainty about someone she was dating and toward the fact that she had a home and a sense of belonging with other people. She credits this habit of reminding herself and returning to that grounding with helping her feel less anxious and more secure.
Feeling Not Good Enough: Attacking the Problem from Every Angle
A Love Life member asked whether Audrey has ever felt not good enough or lacked self-love, and how she valued herself in those moments.
Her answer: "yes, absolutely," many times. She suggests that many people carry a sense of unworthiness "forever." The task is to learn to manage it and coexist with it, and to remember that it comes from past wounds and experiences.
What has helped her is to "attack the problem from all angles." Her example is hair loss she experienced in her twenties. She did not hide away or dwell on it. She tried everything she could to stop it and restore her hair. She saved up for expensive hair treatments, researched supplements and products thoroughly, and had a full hormone panel done. Over time, she says, her hair did improve.
Matthew then asks a harder question. What if her hair hadn't improved? How would she have kept her self-esteem when the thing that shook her confidence stayed the same?
Audrey says she would have turned to her feelings about the fact that it hadn't gotten better. The problem would have shifted from a physical one to a psychological one. She would have asked herself where she was placing her confidence and worth, and what she could do within her control to feel better about something outside it. She adds a candid caveat: she "would have probably felt really, really bad about it for a really long time" before doing that. At some point, she says, it's important to move into action, but getting there can take a while.
How She Knew What She Wanted: Learning from an Ex
A YouTube viewer asked how Audrey became a woman who knew exactly what kind of partner she wanted and could communicate it so clearly. Did it come from role models, or from past relationships that didn't work?
Audrey pushes back on the idea that she had everything figured out when she met Matthew, or that she has it figured out now. "I think we're all a work in progress." What helped her, she says, was going through difficult experiences and learning their lessons.
Her example comes from a few years before she met Matthew. She was dating someone she really liked and believed they were exclusive. They weren't. When she told him that the relationship could only continue if they were exclusive, he said he didn't want that. It hurt at the time. She took two lessons from it. First, you can't assume exclusivity. Second, you always have to communicate what you expect from the relationship and where you think it stands. She says that lesson made her more confident, gave her firmer standards, and made her more communicative when she met Matthew. The well-known message she later sent him "only came from having experienced what it's like not to send a message like that."
Later, Matthew jokingly asks whether that ex is now "deeply unhappy and having a horrible life." Audrey answers, "Of course."
The Text Message, from Matthew's Side
Matthew then tells the story of the message. After a show, he texted Audrey and asked her to come to his part of town for a drink, admitting he wanted the convenience. They had already met in his area for the previous couple of days. Audrey suggested a bar near her instead. Matthew replied that his family was in town and asked if she'd mind coming to him. According to Matthew, Audrey's thinking was that she didn't know his intentions yet, but she was going to make sure there was equal investment. She wrote back that it was fine and they could do another night, which took the date off the table. Matthew says his reaction was, "But I want to see you tonight."
Audrey connects the story to a broader point. You only reach a place where you're proud of your actions by going through difficult things and their pain.
Staying Optimistic About Love
Audrey adds that you always have to believe love is possible. You have to believe that people are good and that you will meet people you're really into who make you happy. "Otherwise what's the point?" She thinks this belief tends to attract more of the same. Staying optimistic, hopeful, and romantic, in her view, makes room for romance, beauty, and love to enter your life.
Her Internal State: "Resolute"
The next question asked about the rocky start to their relationship. Matthew had been slow to commit, and Audrey had sent him a sharp text that made him take her seriously. Was she anxious, desperate, sad, indifferent, or something else?
Audrey's word is "resolute." Once inconsistencies in their communication appeared, she began grieving the relationship, or "situationship," in advance. She contrasts this with being blindsided when everything seems perfect, which she calls a harder transition. In their case, the warning signs were already there, so it didn't feel like she was losing a great love.
She admits a younger version of herself would not have been comfortable sending that message. At that point, though, her "North Star," borrowing Matthew's phrase, was a relationship she felt good in, with a teammate where it was "me and them against the world." When early signs suggested this wasn't going to be that relationship, she thought she was losing someone who wasn't right for her, not her great love. "Lo and behold," she notes, it did turn out to be that relationship. At the time, though, she practiced "a lot of radical acceptance."
Her central line: "My goal was never to get you, Matt. It was to meet my person." She says this is what let her feel resolute rather than anxious. She did still feel sadness and disappointment, but by then she was fairly convinced it wouldn't work out, so she wasn't too sad about it. Matthew singles out that line as one to underline.
Dating for Potential: Vulnerability as a Filter
The last question noted that many women date for a man's potential, while dating advice says not to. What potential did Audrey see in Matthew that kept her trying, and how did she get him to commit?
Audrey says friends and people who know her well have called vulnerability one of her "superpowers." Early on, she was open about how much she liked Matthew and told him so, without fearing it would put her on the back foot. She was open about what she wanted. When he did things that upset her, she raised them and explained why they made her uncomfortable and what she wanted more or less of.
She argues that if you are open about what you want and who you are, and you lead by example, "you don't really leave the other person with anywhere to hide." They "either have to walk away or step up."
She then refines the "don't date for potential" advice. Everyone dates for potential to some degree, because nobody really knows a person at the start. So you model and communicate the relationship and culture you want and see whether the other person can meet you there. What she warns against is persistence. If someone isn't meeting you there or can't step up, that's likely a sign they aren't right for you. It is not a mandate to keep giving chances in the hope that they'll someday become who you want. Her reformulation: "It's not don't date for potential, it's don't stubbornly hold on to your idea of someone's potential."
Matthew likes the distinction because it lets people take a calculated risk on someone. He ties it to his phrase "invest and test." You take a risk, say what you want, express your needs, and watch whether the other person can meet you there.
Matthew's Takeaway
Closing the video, Matthew points back to the viewer's question about how Audrey "made" him commit. For him, the biggest takeaway is that "Audrey didn't make me commit." Instead, "she tested and then backed off when she didn't receive the standard that she had defined for herself."
This video is a big deal because my wife Audrey is answering your love and life questions. And the reason this is a big deal is because Audrey did not want to do this video. It required an insane amount of convincing.
There's a nice cake. Is it a remembrance gesture? That you're going to love. Yep. I've baked you a... And it's filled with all of your favorite things. Compliments. It's a cake filled with compliments. Cake filled with compliments. Yeah. What? Everything that you love. What's going on? Okay. I couldn't tell you if... And...
Oh, for [__]. But you asked for it. You literally said, "We demand Audrey." And so, I'm going to bring her onto this video.
Meeting Audrey has changed my life in so many ways. We have been in a relationship for over five years. We met around six years ago. And we've been married for two going on three years now. We had a son three, four months ago. And I just have never been more at peace in a relationship in my life. I've never been close to this happy. And it's such a joy to be able to bring you someone who has taught me so much and changed me so much. And frankly, to have her answer your questions herself for once.
So, we went through the questions that came in from our prior YouTube video. Yes, we read your comments in case you didn't know. Make sure you leave them on this video, too. And we also pulled questions from our Love Life coaching group. If you don't know, we have a coaching community with thousands of members who are actively working on their love lives and life in general. Audrey is a coach in that group. She is an active mentor there. The link is in the bio for anyone who wants to check that out.
We have categorized the questions into two big themes. Questions about Audrey and questions about my relationship with Audrey. As always, like and subscribe for more. I know that your love and your encouragement would mean the world to Audrey.
Check, check. Action. You got it.
All right. Our first question comes from Makeup Koala on YouTube who asks, "I would like to know how Audrey is so confident and secure. Of course, it helps that she's absolutely beautiful, but there must be something deeper here. From what she has said, it's clear that she's gone through the same stuff that many women go through, but somehow she managed to stay true to herself."
Well, first of all, thank you so much for the compliment. That's really kind of you. And I'm three months out of having a baby. And so, telling any new mom that she's beautiful is just the kindest thing you can do. So, thank you so much.
I find it so interesting that you think I am secure because I've always identified with being more anxious and anxiously attached, in fact. And what I found to be a helpful realization is that one of the antidotes to anxiety is actually connection. And what I mean by that is that when we're looking for love, we're looking for oftentimes a sense of belonging and acceptance. We want the person to accept us. We want to feel worthy. And it's not steady ground when you're dating because you often don't really know how someone's feeling about you.
So, instead of looking for certainty in that person, I looked for connections and a sense of belonging with my friendships, my family dynamics, and that connection and that ability to feel seen and accepted within those relationships really helped take the pressure off when it came to meeting potential connections and people I liked.
And that's something that I had to work hard on. I think it's very active work. I don't think it's something that just happens by itself, certainly not for me. I'm by no means perfect in that area. It's required a lot of discipline, a lot of shifting my focus from the way that I'm feeling and the uncertainty that I might be feeling about somebody to the fact that I have got a home and a sense of connection and sense of belonging in all these other people. And constantly reminding myself of that and bringing myself back there. So, that's something that I did that has helped me a lot with not feeling anxious and feeling more secure.
All right. Our second question comes from a Love Life member who asks, "Have you ever felt like you're not good enough or lack self-love? And how did you choose to value yourself in those moments?"
So, the short answer is yes, absolutely. I have felt that many, many times in my life. And to a certain extent, I think a feeling of unworthiness is something that a lot of us carry with us forever. And we just have to learn to manage it. And we have to learn to coexist with that feeling and remind ourselves that it comes from past wounds. It comes from past experiences. And for me, one of the things that's really helped with that feeling of unworthiness, that feeling of not being good enough, is to try and attack the problem from all angles.
To give you an example, when I was in my 20s, I suffered with hair loss. But instead of hiding away and just feeling down on myself, I decided to do everything I could to prevent it and get my hair back to how it was before. So, I saved money to get expensive hair treatments. I did all of the research I possibly could under the sun around the supplements, the products, all the different things I could do to help it. I did a whole hormone panel. I did all of these things. And over time it actually got better as a result of it, which is fantastic.
Let's say your hair had not improved. What would you have done to maintain a sense of self-esteem and self-love despite the fact that this thing that had rocked your confidence didn't actually get better?
What I would have done is I would have then tackled the feelings that I had around the fact that it hadn't gotten better. So, it would have then morphed from a very physical thing that I was trying to fix to a psychological thing that I was trying to fix and a mental health... Where am I putting my confidence? Where am I putting my worthiness? How can I start to feel better about myself? What can I actually do within my control to feel better about this thing that is out of my control?
But I would have probably felt really, really bad about it for a really long time before I did that. So, I think that's also important to say. At a certain point, I think it's important to bounce into action and see what you can do. But that can take a little while. Next question.
Wait, wait, wait. Can I just make one comment on this video before we continue? Sure. There's something we need to tell people about. What?
Well, a lot of people watching this, they want to find love. Mhm. And you know that we have something that's happening in April that is going to help people find love. Mhm. It's called the Year of Love. And basically, it's predicated on this idea that modern dating kind of sucks. But that the love of your life is out there. And they're looking for you the same way you're looking for them. And you'll be grateful to each other for not giving up on each other when you do find each other.
I am running my Year of Love event. The last time we did this in January, tens of thousands of people showed up. It was literally the biggest live event I have ever done. And it was designed to help people find love who are just sick and tired of modern dating. I believe that the right person for you is out there looking for you right now the same way you're looking for them. And you just have to meet each other.
And to do that, two things have to happen. One, you need to not give up. And two, we can show you everything we've ever learned about how to find love in the most efficient, enjoyable way. You can sign up for free at joinyearoflove.com. And now, back to my video. Okay.
All right. Leo Tian 2QC on YouTube asks, "How did you become the woman who knew exactly what kind of partner you truly wanted? And how did you communicate that so effectively? Did you have specific role models in your life? Or was it more about learning from past relationships that didn't work?"
I don't know that I, when I met Matthew... Matt. Yeah. What? Like you forgot your husband's name. No, I was trying to say... I was going to say Matt, and I was like, "Should I refer to him as Matthew?" Because that's how people refer... Anyway.
It's a really great question, but I don't want to give the impression from any of the stories that Matt and I share that I had everything figured out or even have everything figured out today. I don't. I think we're all a work in progress. For me, what helped me in life was to actually go through difficult experiences and really learn the lessons that came out of those experiences.
To give you an example in the context of dating and love, before I met Matt, a few years before I met Matt, in fact, I was dating somebody. I really liked them. I thought we were exclusive. It turned out we weren't exclusive. And when I confronted him about it and said, "If you want this to carry on, we basically have to be exclusive," he said, "No, I don't want to do that." And that really hurt me at the time. Of course, it did.
But that lesson that I learned that day, which is, you can't assume exclusivity, first of all. And also, you always have to communicate what you expect from the relationship and where you think the relationship is at. That lesson allowed me to be more confident and have more standards and be more communicative when I met Matt. And everybody talks about this message that I sent him, but that only came from having experienced what it's like not to send a message like that.
So, I texted Audrey after the show and I'm sorry, but I was looking for a little convenience. I was like, "Could you come to my part of town so we can maybe have a drink together here?" And she was having none of it. Because we had already met up in my part of town for the last couple of days. So, when I said, "Do you want to come over here?" she said, "Hey, there's this great bar near me. It does great drinks. Come meet me there."
Now, I sent a message back being like, "My family's here right now. It would really help me if you could come over this way. Do you mind?" Audrey was having none of it. Because she was like, "Look, I don't know what your intentions are yet, but I am going to make sure there's equal investment." So, she sent me a message back and she said, "It's okay. We can totally do another night." She took it off the table. And I was like, "But I want to see you tonight."
The reason I say all of this is I think that you can only get to a place in life where you're really, really proud of your actions by experiencing difficult things and having to go through the pain of those difficult things. And the other thing I'll say is you always have to believe that love is possible. You always have to believe that people are good and that you're going to meet people you are really into and who make you really happy. You have to believe that because otherwise what's the point?
And I think believing that means that actually you end up attracting more of that. Because what you're doing by doing that, what you're doing by staying optimistic, by staying hopeful, by staying romantic is you're actually allowing for romance and beauty and love to enter your life.
Think the person who didn't become exclusive with you is deeply unhappy and having a horrible life now? Of course. Right. I just wanted to check. Duh. All right. What's the next question, David?
People have heard about the rocky start to your relationship, from Matthew being slow to commit to the sharp text you sent him in early dating that made him take you seriously. What was your internal state like in those moments? Were you anxious, desperate, sad, indifferent, something else?
The word I would use is resolute. The reason I use the word resolute is because when there started being inconsistencies in communication, I started grieving the relationship or the situationship. It's a harder transition when you're blindsided and everything is seemingly perfect, but for me at that point there were already signs that it might potentially not work out. And so, it didn't feel like I was losing this great big love.
A younger version of me would have probably not been as comfortable sending a message like that, but for me at that time, my North Star, as you put it, Matt, was a great relationship that I felt good in, a teammate, someone I could... It was me and them against the world. And so, when in these early stages I started seeing signs that it wasn't going to be that relationship—lo and behold, it turned out to be that relationship, but I didn't think it was going to be that relationship through the actions I was seeing—I didn't feel like I was losing my great love. I just thought I was losing someone who wasn't right for me.
I had a lot of radical acceptance around what that was. And my goal was never to get you, Matt. It was to meet my person. And so, I think that that helped me feel resolute instead of anxious and sad. Not that I didn't go through sadness and disappointment, I think it's a good word to use, but by that point I was pretty convinced that it wasn't going to go anywhere and it wasn't the right thing for me. And so, I wasn't too sad about it at that time.
We should underline that line that you said, "My goal wasn't to get you. It was to meet my person." Very good. It's really good. Thank you.
All right. So many women date by seeing the potential and the change for the better in a man. However, all dating advice tells us not to date for potential. So, it would be great for Audrey to touch on the potential she saw in Matthew that made her keep trying and how she made him commit.
Many people in my life, my friends and just people that know me really well, have said to me that one of my superpowers is vulnerability. And the reason I say that is because in the early stages of mine and Matt's relationship, I was incredibly vulnerable about how I felt. I was very open about the fact that I really liked you and I would tell you and I didn't have any fear that it would put me somehow on the back foot because I shared how I felt. I was vulnerable and open about what I wanted. When you did things that upset me, I talked about it and I was open and vulnerable about why those things made me uncomfortable and what I wanted more or less of.
And I think if you can be vulnerable and if you can be open about what you want, who you are, and lead by example, you don't really leave the other person with anywhere to hide. What I mean by that is that they either have to walk away or step up. You shouldn't date for potential, but you can allow for people to step into the role that you want them to be. And to a certain extent, we all date for potential because we don't really know people in the beginning. So, we have to model and we have to communicate the kind of relationship and culture that we want to see and see if that person can meet us there.
Don't be persistent about potential. In other words, if you don't feel like somebody is meeting you there, if somebody isn't able to step up, then that's probably a sign that they're not going to be the right person for you. And it's not a mandate to keep trying and keep giving them chances and keep saying that maybe one day they can turn into this person that you want them to be.
It's not don't date for potential, it's don't stubbornly hold on to your idea of someone's potential.
That. I really like that distinction because it allows people to take a risk on someone, but maybe a calculated risk.
Like you say, invest and test. Right? It's like you take a risk, you tell them what you want, you express what your needs are, and you observe and see whether they can meet you there.
Thank you for these questions. They're very good. Should I do the outro real quick? Or not? Sorry, Audrey. You were great, but there...
If you loved this video, I know you'll love the videos I'm posting every single week here on this channel because
Everything Audrey mentioned about her standards, her boundaries, her communication, when to be vulnerable, when to give a little more when you do see potential, these are all things we talk about on this channel.
For me, the biggest takeaway here is that Audrey didn't make me commit. She tested and then backed off when she didn't receive the standard that she had defined for herself.
Thank you so much for watching. I will see you again next week and I can't wait to read your comments.
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