Is Watching Content Ruining Your Love Life? Matthew Hussey on Advice That Replaces Action
Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey opens by saying he feels "conflicted" making this video. He has been making dating and relationship advice for nearly 20 years and loves the work, but he sees a problem in how people use it. His argument is that watching videos and absorbing advice can quietly become a substitute for doing anything, and for someone looking for love, that substitution can stall their life without their noticing. He is making this case, he points out, against the interests of his own YouTube channel.
The Question That Revealed the Problem
Hussey illustrates the problem with an exercise from his touring live events. He would ask the audience how many new men they met in an average week. At the time, the audience was almost entirely women; he notes it is now much more mixed. He started at ten, where almost no hands went up, and counted down through eight, seven, six, five and four. When he reached zero, about 80% of the hands went up.
What made this striking to him was who was in the room. These were people actively trying to find love; that was why they had come. Yet most of them were meeting no new people at all. From this he draws the video's central point: watching videos and getting advice cannot be the only thing someone does to make progress, including watching his own videos. He gives a comparison from another creator's work. Watching Matt D'Avella run a mile a day for 30 days is not the same as going on a run yourself.
He addresses viewers directly. If you are looking for love but can't name one clear thing you did this week to make it happen, this video is for you. He adds that there is "no judgment" in it, because everyone does this.
Why the Trap Is Silent
Hussey argues that many people don't realize they have fallen into this trap because the danger is invisible. Watching a helpful video gives a dopamine hit and feels like working toward a goal, even though your life is exactly the same when the video ends. Learning something new feels like progress. In his view, though, you can't know whether your interpersonal life has changed until you start taking small risks and applying what you have learned.
He compares it to two other goals. One is a person who wants to start a business, reads twelve books about starting businesses, and a year later is no closer. The other is a person who wants to get stronger but, instead of picking up dumbbells, watches videos about the perfect workout plan from bed.
A comic interlude follows. Hussey notices the boom microphone in the shot and asks the director, David, to move it. David keeps responding as if Hussey's advice were a profound insight ("I'm writing it down right now") until he finally takes action and moves the mic. The skit acts out the video's own point.
Content as Procrastination and Avoidance
Hussey says we are living in a time of "peak saturation of content," and that too much content without action becomes procrastination and avoidance. He lists examples, several drawn from the topics of his own videos. He says:
- It is easier to watch a video about handling ghosting than to go out and risk being ghosted.
- It is easier to watch another video on attachment styles, and "over pathologize" ourselves and the people around us, than to go on another date and risk it not working out.
- It is easier to watch his video about complimenting men than to compliment a real man and risk not being complimented back.
- It is easier to look forward to his videos every week than to look forward to a new date, because a new date could let you down.
The common thread in each example is that the content lets the viewer engage with a topic while skipping the risk that real progress requires.
A Caveat: Heartbreak and Healing Content
Hussey makes an exception for certain kinds of his content, such as videos about heartbreak or healing from narcissistic abuse. Healing in these areas takes time, he says, and when someone is in pain they can't get enough support and good ideas.
Even here, though, he sees a risk. People can spend so long doing a "forensic analysis" of everything a person did to them that they never move forward or meet new people who aren't like the last one. He puts it in terms of film. Past a certain point, talking about that person keeps making them "the star of a movie that is actually about you," and makes them the headline. "Haven't they been the headline for long enough already?" he asks. The viewer, he says, is the star and director of their own movie and gets to decide where the main character goes.
Seasoning, Not the Meal
Hussey describes how he wants his weekly videos to function. They should be "the seasoning in someone's week," not the meal. They should push someone to go out, take risks, try something new, or handle a difficult situation differently. They should not lead to another ten hours of content. He says this matters more now that the internet is being flooded with low-quality AI-generated content and bad advice.
To support the idea, he quotes Hayao Miyazaki, creator of Princess Mononoke. Speaking in an interview about parents whose children rewatched his films, Miyazaki said: "They buy videos of our films to watch again and again. They think their children are fine because they're viewing good quality films over and over. That's outrageous. Rather than watch a film 50 times, their children should be doing something else 49 of those times. During the 49 repeat viewings of Princess Mononoke, they are losing out on something, and the adults don't realize that it's something that can't be regained."
Hussey says the quote "stopped me in my tracks." He reads it as saying that inspiration from a good work should be put to use, not renewed through endless rewatching. He applies it to his own format. A powerful 15-minute video should inspire someone to act for the rest of the week until the next video, not to watch 50 more. As someone who wants his channel to thrive, he says, making this video is "a horrible decision," and that should show how much he believes the message.
The Second Trap: Passivity
Hussey then warns against the opposite overcorrection, which he calls the passivity trap. This is when someone declares they are done with YouTube and advice, deletes their apps, and decides to "let life guide" them. "Sitting around and waiting for flowers to grow is not the same as planting seeds," he says.
He describes what real progress looks like instead. The first part is building a habit of doing something every week, or in some cases every day, that moves you forward even slightly. For a love life, he suggests habits such as:
- initiating conversations that might actually lead somewhere
- flirting
- joining more communities to expand your options
The second part is noticing, over time, that you react to things differently. Situations make you less anxious. Rejection feels less personal and less like a verdict on your self-worth. You recover from heartbreak a little faster. For Hussey, consistent action plus these changed responses is what progress actually looks like.
The Third Trap: Crushes
The third trap is fixation on a crush. Hussey says he regularly talks to people whose crushes have lasted literally years. Many are "amazing people" who could be very happy if they found their actual person, who he believes is almost certainly not the crush, or at least often isn't.
He describes a recent encounter. A woman approached him while he was out and said she had followed his work for a long time. He found her impressive: she had great values, was eloquent, understated, and lovely to be around. Then she told him about a person she had been stuck on for a decade, and his "heart sank." He thought her person was out there, but the one she was fixated on had to be moved out of the way first so she could meet them.
He compares crushes to romance novels with a brooding lead. Both are safe, and both are an escape from real life. He argues that a crush is not a doorway to a beautiful life that could be reached if only we got access to it. Instead, it is what distracts us from the life we could be building.
It's Hard, and It's Not All Your Fault
Hussey admits he struggles with the same thing. He wants to write more, but it is easier to look at his phone or watch other creators' videos "for inspiration." He wants to read more, but it is easier and more fun to browse book covers at Barnes & Noble for books to add to his shelf than to read the ones already on it.
He distances himself from the "extreme discipline" crowd who say everything is your fault. He believes in taking responsibility for action, but says it is "definitely not all your fault." Our minds are being pulled into our phones every day by companies that "do not care about you" and want our attention, meaning our time and energy, so they can monetize it.
As evidence of how strong that pull is, he describes his five-month-old son. The baby doesn't yet know what an iPhone is, but is drawn to any screen in the room "like a susceptible hobbit being drawn helplessly to the one ring," which Hussey calls "terrifying." In a brief aside, he says David objects that in Tolkien lore hobbits are the least susceptible to the Ring, which is why Frodo could carry it to Mordor. Hussey replies that his son resembles most hobbits.
A Commitment to One Risk
Hussey closes by asking viewers to comment with one risk they will take this week. His suggestions tie back to earlier videos:
- going to an event it would be easy to skip, from his video on finding love offline
- giving someone a compliment, from his video on complimenting men
- working through an interpersonal conflict with a partner that you have been avoiding
He hopes a commitment posted in the comments might also give an idea to someone else who has been struggling to act. The video ends on that challenge: turn this week's advice into one real action.
I feel conflicted making this video. I love what I do. I've been doing it a long time, nearly 20 years now. But there is a problem. I can illustrate this problem with something that used to happen at my live events when I was touring.
I would begin with a question. And that question was this: How many new men do you meet in an average week? That was back when it was almost all women. Now my audience is much more mixed. By the way, shout out to all of the guys watching this video.
I would start with the number 10, and almost no hands would go up, and I'd keep working my way down to eight, seven, six, five, four. When I got to zero, meaning zero new people a week, 80% of the hands went up. And this was from a group of people who were actually trying to find love. That's why they were there.
And therein lies the problem. Watching videos and getting advice cannot be the only thing we do to make progress in our lives. Watching my videos can't be the only thing you do to make progress in your love life. Watching Matt D'Avella videos about him going on a one-mile run for 30 days straight is not me going on a run, annoyingly.
If you're watching this video and you are looking for love, but you can't tell me one clear thing you've done this week to make that happen, please stick around for this video and watch till the end. There's no judgment in this video. We all do it, but the message is deeply important, and I promise you it has the potential to completely change your trajectory in life.
Now the reason that so many people don't even know they've fallen into this trap is because the danger is silent. In fact, the dopamine hit that we get from watching a helpful video feels really good. It makes us feel like we're doing something towards our goals, even though our lives are the exact same way by the time we're done watching the video.
The feeling that we have learned something new can feel like progress, but in truth, you won't actually know if your interpersonal life is any different until you actually start taking small risks in applying the knowledge you're learning here.
It's no different to someone saying, "I want to start a business," and then doing nothing to actually start that business but reading 12 books about starting businesses and finding they are no closer than they were a year ago. Or if your goal is to gain more strength this year, but instead of picking up dumbbells and trying, you keep watching videos about the perfect workout plan from your bed.
Here is another trap I want to talk about. David, that has to be in shot.
Oh my God. There is something so fundamentally true about what you're saying.
No, it's not like a profound truth. I'm saying that I think people can see the boom in the shot.
Okay. Stings a little bit. That hurts. But you're right. I got to do something to change it.
Okay, well, can you raise it so it's not in the shot anymore?
There is something so practical about what you just said.
Okay, well, can you do it then, please?
Absolutely. I'm writing it down right now. Trust me.
Have you listened to anything I've said in this video?
Of course, Matt. Yes, this video's about taking action in your life, and I know exactly the action that I need to do right now.
Move the boom mic.
And if I may, though, Matt, I'm a little more worried about the people that are watching this video that are wondering what they can do to take action with their love lives.
Well, David, I'm actually glad you said that because we have something coming up that is going to show people exactly how to take action. It is my Year of Love event that is happening on April the 21st. If you have not signed up yet, there is still time, but this is the last chance. Go to joinyearoflove.com.
This event is free. It'll take you 10 seconds to sign up. Last time I did this event in January, it was the biggest online event I have ever done. Thousands are going to be showing up, but it's only happening one more time. So, go to joinyearoflove.com, sign up now, and I will see you this coming Tuesday to give you an actual action plan for your love life this year. I can't wait to see you there.
What are you doing?
I'm taking action, Matt. You riled me up. I'm going for it. Moving the boom mic.
Is that good?
We are living in a time of peak saturation of content. But, at some point, too much content with no action becomes a form of procrastination and avoidance. It's easier to watch a video about how to handle a ghosting than to go out there and risk getting ghosted.
It's easier to watch another video about attachment styles and overpathologize ourselves and the people around us rather than just go on another date and risk it not working out. It's easier to watch my video about how to compliment men than to send a compliment to a real man and have that compliment not be reciprocated. It's easier to look forward to my videos every single week instead of looking forward to a new date because the new date could let you down.
Now, there is a difference. I want to add a caveat when it comes to certain kinds of content that I put out. For example, heartbreak content or content relating to healing from narcissistic abuse. Healing in these areas takes time. And in the moments where we're in pain and we need to heal, we can't get enough support and good ideas when we're going through something like that.
But, even in these cases, there is a danger that we spend so much time doing a forensic analysis on everything a person ever did to us that we never actually move forward with our lives, move forward with meeting new people who aren't like the last one. At a certain point, talking about that person continues to make them the star of a movie that is actually about you. It makes them the headline, and haven't they been the headline for long enough already? You are the star and the director of your movie. You get to guide where the main character, you, goes.
I think of my videos every week like they should be the seasoning in someone's week. They shouldn't be the meal. These videos should inspire someone to go out there and live and take risks and try something new, manage a difficult situation differently. They are not supposed to be leading you to watch another 10 hours of additional content. And this is especially important in the modern day when the internet is getting flooded with low-quality AI-generated content and bad advice.
Hayao Miyazaki, the creator of the famous animated movie Princess Mononoke, was once in an interview about the movie. He said this when he was talking about the parents of the children who watched those movies, and it really stopped me in my tracks.
He said, "They buy videos of our films to watch again and again. They think their children are fine because they're viewing good quality films over and over. That's outrageous. Rather than watch a film 50 times, their children should be doing something else 49 of those times. During the 49 repeat viewings of Princess Mononoke, they are losing out on something, and the adults don't realize that it's something that can't be regained."
That is a powerful quote. The idea that they could be doing something with all of that inspiration the movie has ignited in them instead of watching the movie another 49 times. I believe a powerful 15-minute YouTube video should inspire you to go and take action the rest of the week until the next video a week later. What it shouldn't do is inspire us to go and watch another 50 YouTube videos. And I really don't need to convince you that I believe in this message because as someone who wants this YouTube channel to thrive, making this video is a horrible decision.
Real quick, one alternative to mindlessly binging content on YouTube is to try Matthew AI so that you can actually just ask a specific question you have instead of having to trawl YouTube videos to try to find the answer to your problem. You can go to askmh.com and ask Matthew AI whatever question is on your mind right now, absolutely free, and you will get an answer instantly. Not a generic answer, an answer to your specific challenge. Go try it now, askmh.com, if you haven't already. It will blow your mind.
There is, by the way, another trap that we have to be wary of that's not the content consumption trap. And that is the passivity trap. The trap that we fall into when we say, "I'm done with YouTube. I'm done watching videos on this, getting advice on this. I'm deleting all of the apps. I am just going to let life guide me now."
Let's be clear about something. Sitting around and waiting for flowers to grow is not the same as planting seeds. What progress in our love lives or in any part of our life actually looks like is developing the habit of doing something every week or in some cases every day that moves us forward, even by a little bit.
In your love life, it could be I develop the habit of initiating conversations that might actually lead somewhere or the habit of flirting or the habit of joining more communities so that I expand my options. Ingraining that habit is a sign of progress.
So too is noticing over time that you're reacting to things differently in your love life. Things don't make you quite as anxious. Every rejection doesn't feel quite as personal. Doesn't feel like it's a direct commentary on your self-worth. Maybe you bounce back from heartbreak a little quicker. This is what progress actually looks like: the habit of taking action consistently in your love life and noticing that you are responding to situations differently than you did before.
Okay, wait, there's one more trap. If the first trap is content consumption to too much of a degree and the other trap is being passive and just saying, "Well, the universe will handle it for me," the third trap is crushes. In other words, the person we are fixated on right now in our love life.
I talk to people all of the time who have had a crush that has lasted years, literally. Many of them are amazing people who could be so happy if they found their actual person who almost certainly is not this particular crush, or at least much of the time isn't.
I met someone like this recently. I was out living my life and someone came up to me and said, "I've been following you for a really long time." She was awesome. She had great values. She was eloquent. She was understated, lovely to be around. And she then proceeded to tell me about a person that she had been stuck on for a decade and my heart sank because I was like, "Your person is out there and you are going to be so happy when you meet them, but we need to get this person you're fixated on out of the way so that you can meet them."
Crushes are safe, the same way that reading romance novels with a brooding lead are safe. They are an escape from real life. They are not where our beautiful life resides if we could only access it. They are actually the thing that distracts us from the beautiful life we could be creating.
Look, I get it. I really, really do. It is so hard to do things. I want to write more, but it is so much easier to look at my phone or to watch videos for inspiration from other creators. I want to read more, but it's so much easier and more fun to go to Barnes & Noble and read the covers of books to see which books I would like to add to my personal bookshelf than to read the ones that are already on my bookshelf.
And there is that whole crowd out there who's like extreme discipline and it's all your fault and take ownership and whatever. And yes, I believe in taking responsibility for taking action in our lives, but it is definitely not all your fault. We are having our minds sucked into our phones every day, ultimately by companies who do not care about you. They just want your attention, which is another way of saying they want our time and our energy so that they can monetize it.
I have a five-month-old son who is not at an age where he even knows what an iPhone is. And yet, when there is a screen in the room, he is drawn to it like a susceptible hobbit being drawn helplessly to the One Ring. It is terrifying to me.
David's unhappy because in Tolkien lore, the hobbits are actually the least susceptible to the Ring, which is what makes it possible for Frodo to take it all the way to Mordor. And therefore, the idea of a susceptible hobbit is unfairly maligning hobbits. In my defense, in the world of Lord of the Rings, my five-month-old son resembles most hobbits.
So, look, let's do this. Let me know in the comments one risk that you are going to take this week. Maybe attending an event that it would be really easy not to go to, which incidentally was something I recommended in my Find Love Offline video. Maybe it's you're going to give someone a compliment, which I recommended in my male compliments video. Or maybe it's actually working through a challenging interpersonal conflict that you have been avoiding with a partner, which I have discussed in countless videos.
Maybe the action you commit to in the comments will inspire someone else who is watching, who has been struggling to take action. Maybe it'll give them an idea. And of course, if you need ideas about how to take action in your love life, do not forget to join the Year of Love. You can sign up by going to joinyearoflove.com. I will see you, my friends, on April the 21st.
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