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Four Ways to Make Dating Apps Work Without Letting Them Drain You

Matthew Hussey · ▶ 13:01 · 8 min read
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Overview

Matthew Hussey opens with a familiar scenario. Someone downloads a dating app hoping this time will be different, and then the disappointments pile up: a match ghosts after a couple of messages, an intriguing match never writes at all and seems like it might be a bot, dates get cancelled at the last minute, or there are no matches at all. Hussey argues that although many people now meet on apps, the apps have also become one of the biggest sources of pain and frustration for daters. His question is whether people can approach these tools differently and give themselves a better chance of finding something meaningful. He offers four keys. He introduces himself as a coach with 18 years of experience working with people on their love lives, who is now a husband and a father.

8 min read
1:59

Key One: Be Intentional About Your Profile

Hussey says a profile has only a few seconds to stand out before someone swipes. Beyond clear solo photos of yourself smiling, he points to several subtler qualities that make a profile work.

The first is avoiding cliché. His example is "golden retriever energy," a phrase that shows up on many profiles. He thinks people use it to signal that they're emotionally available, consistent, and loyal, but it ends up reading like a meme. His advice is to write something that feels like it could only have come from you. Instead of "golden retriever energy," you might write "still enjoys phone calls." In his view, that line quietly sets you apart from toxic dating trends without falling into cliché.

The second is not boring people with your hobby. Hussey uses himself as the example. He does Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, at least when he doesn't have a six-week-old baby. If he were writing a dating profile, he says he might be tempted to mention it several times and include multiple photos of himself training. But he wouldn't be looking for a partner who is into Jiu-Jitsu. He would be looking for someone who thinks they would enjoy spending time with him, and that means showing more of who he is. A hobby can be "an interesting string to your bow," he says, but you don't want it to define you. The same applies to your job and your education: none of them is your personality.

The third is avoiding empty words. He quotes a profile he read recently: "Truly value someone who's ambitious, kind, and knows how to enjoy the ride." He calls this "dead language." It's inoffensive and common, and it signals very little. He contrasts it with "Ambitious, but protective of my time with the people I love." That line is still punchy, he says, but it states who you are and expresses what you value in an emotive way. It is sincere without trying to be cool, and it avoids the vague catch-all language everyone else uses.

4:20

A Great Profile Is More Than One Note

Hussey then adds a caution. That last example is earnest, and he says you don't want to stay in that mode the whole time. He thinks it helps to know your unique advantage, whether that's wit, sincerity, or empathy, and to use it. Overdoing a strength makes you one-dimensional, though. What hooks people, he says, is discovering that someone is sincere and funny, or humble and confident. "It's the and that gets us hooked." He calls this combination a "unique pairing."

4:59

Key Two: Put Limits on How You Use the Apps

The second key is meant to prevent burnout. Hussey says it's easy to open an app, get lost in the options for hours, and eventually burn out. He suggests limiting both how often you check the apps and how you use them when you do. That could mean capping yourself at 10 swipes a day, or talking to the people you've already matched with before swiping for a new batch.

If you keep ending up in many shallow conversations at once, he suggests you may be playing it too safe. In that case, take a risk and move the interaction to a phone call or an easy, casual date. Even if the other person drops out, you've stopped spending time on it. He also points out that conversations often stall simply because two strangers are texting on an app, which is naturally stunted, boring, and a bit awkward. For anything to progress, someone sometimes has to take a small risk. His practical advice for messaging is to share a little about yourself, ask questions, and move on if the other person gives you nothing back.

8:31

Key Three: When to Give an Interaction the Benefit of the Doubt

Hussey calls this the hardest key because it requires nuance on a platform that isn't designed for any. He poses concrete dilemmas. If someone cancels a date at the last minute because "something came up," or drops out of a conversation that was going well, should you message them or bow out? If you gave your number to move off the app and they never texted, should you follow up on the app or let it go?

He frames this as a tension between two risks. Being too generous with your time and energy leads to burnout. Cutting people off at the first sign of something you don't like can mean losing something good. From his years of coaching, he says many people have become so "gun-shy" from past experiences that they label someone a red flag very quickly and move on without taking time to find out whether it really is one.

His rule is to give people the benefit of the doubt when the risk of doing so is low. Being stood up, a last-minute cancellation, or ghosting after a date has been set, he says, feels more like a character flaw. Giving that stranger a second chance also takes heavy emotional effort from you. Other cases are different. If someone drops out because your last message didn't include a question, or someone is slow to ask you out, he sees no harm in nudging them in the right direction without judging them too harshly in the moment. These nudges cost little emotionally and carry little risk, because you don't lose much if the person doesn't respond the way you hoped. Giving a second chance to someone who stood you up is another matter. You risk wasting your time and emotions again on someone who has already shown they're careless with both.

10:13

Key Four: Make Apps Fun

The last key is to remember that despite their downsides, apps can be fun, or at least less triggering. Hussey connects this to the "principle of obliquity," which he discussed in a previous video: the idea of focusing on indirect activities that bring us what we want. Downloading an app doesn't mean it has to be your whole focus or your only route to love. Ironically, he says, when it isn't, you're more likely to get a good result.

He shares a story from a friend who attended a wedding where the bride and groom had met on a dating app. His friend asked the bride how she did it. The bride said she used to play World of Warcraft and treated dating apps the same way, as a video game where she got to have fun conversations with other players, and one of them happened to become her husband. Hussey says that framing changed how she approached the whole thing. He extends it: what if your life is the real game, and there happen to be other players to talk to along the way? Many conversations won't be serious, but somewhere along the way you might meet someone who becomes your best friend and a "lifelong teammate."

11:45

Never Rely on Apps as Your Only Option

Hussey closes with caveats. None of these keys guarantees a partner. He says they're meant to protect your energy, time, and effort while improving your odds. He also takes seriously the people who do everything right and still don't succeed. He mentions the woman who feels invisible because of her looks, and the man who feels constantly rejected because of his height and can't get a single match, let alone a conversation off the app. When doing everything right still doesn't work, or when so much of the process seems to come down to luck, he acknowledges it can make you want to quit altogether, and he says there is nothing wrong with that.

His firm position is that an app should never be your only option. He believes in continuing to meet people in everyday life. In his words, apps "should be additive to our overall plan. They should not be the plan itself."

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