Why Liking Someone Can Kill Their Attraction: Matthew Hussey on Need, Confidence, and "Value Fit"
Matthew Hussey
Dating coach Matthew Hussey argues that the most dangerous moment in dating is the moment you decide you like someone. At that point, he says, people make the mistake that most often kills attraction: they put themselves in the position of needing the other person. In this video, Hussey builds his case around an interview clip of actor Bryan Cranston describing how Cranston learned to approach auditions, and applies each of Cranston's points to romantic relationships.
The Moment Someone Becomes "the Prize"
Hussey describes a shift that happens once attraction sets in. The brain decides the other person is the prize and that our job is to win them. Once we adopt the mindset that we are the one trying to get something, he says, "you've already given all of your power away." In the process we lose the very quality that would have made us attractive to that person.
He calls this a bodily reaction as much as a mindset, one that is "completely involuntary." In his view, it undermines our chances of finding love before love has had a chance to take root. The rest of the video is his attempt to offer a way out of that reaction.
Bryan Cranston on Auditions and Need
Hussey's main source is Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad, who was talking about auditions rather than dating. In the clip, Cranston says he used to think he was going into an audition to try to get a job. He came to see it differently:
"When you put yourself in a position of need or want, what happens is that you relinquish power and control over to some unknown entity... If you need and want that job, it'll show. It'll seep out and people will be able to tell that there's a need or want there. Nobody wants to hire someone who actually needs a job. We want to hire people who are confident in what they're doing and saying and selling of themselves."
Hussey singles out the line that nobody wants to hire someone who needs a job as the key idea. The dating parallel, he says, is that no one chooses someone for a relationship because they can see that person needs a relationship.
The Difficulty: We Really Do Want Love
Hussey acknowledges that this is harder in dating than in auditions, because people both want and, in a sense, need love. He qualifies this. He believes people can be happy outside a relationship and do not strictly need romantic love to be happy. But he argues that most people who want love know that finding it, and turning it into a real partnership with "a loving teammate," is one of the best experiences available. Given that, he says, it is not easy to "play it cool."
So he frames the question this way: how do we handle intense wants and needs in settings like a first date, where they don't serve us?
"I Am Here to Give You Something"
The second Cranston clip gives Hussey his central reframe. Cranston explains that when he walks into a room to pitch a story or to audition, he thinks: "I am here to give you something. It may be the solution to your problem, but that's up to you. All I'm doing is giving you an option."
Hussey calls this point "so key" to avoiding the mistake. The alternative mindset, I need them, I want them, how do I impress them, hands all your power to the other person. In the reframed version, you bring something of value, and the other person may or may not value it. You cannot control whether what you offer is the solution to their problem. Your only job is to do your part on this date, in this text, in this conversation.
He adds that presenting what you have to offer "won't work on the wrong people," and he sees that as part of the point.
From Mass Approval to "Value Fit"
Hussey generalizes this into what he calls the secret: stop seeking mass approval of your worth and value. Instead, treat "value fit" as the holy grail of relationships. He defines value fit as finding a person who sees your value as exactly the kind of value they are looking for. Anyone who doesn't see it that way, he says, "isn't our person."
In this framing, rejection by someone who doesn't value what you offer is not a verdict on your worth. It is information that the fit isn't there.
Confidence as Something Others Can Catch
In the next clip, Cranston says confidence is "addictive." People enjoy the feeling of it, and they can catch it. When someone confident walks into the room, Cranston says, that confidence rubs off on him as he evaluates what they're saying.
Hussey builds on this. He argues that people spend a lot of time asking whether they have the right ingredients in life to justify feeling confident, and too little time recognizing that confidence itself has "a magical quality." It is infectious. When you walk into a room owning yourself and believing in what you bring by being there, he suggests, that certainty and detachment from the outcome "might end up being the thing" that makes someone decide you are what they've been looking for. He calls confidence "a genuine superpower."
He gives an example from his own work. When he walks onstage to give a speech, he sees it as his job to transfer energy to the audience, not their job to transfer energy to him.
The "Dust" Technique
To make this concrete, Hussey describes a technique created by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels called the "dust" technique. Before a big presentation, you imagine covering the audience in a two-inch-thick coat of dust. This stops them from being a light-emanating force you are trying to impress, and lets you be the light-emanating force instead.
He suggests applying it to dating. Before your next date, imagine covering the other person in a thick coat of dust, and then tell yourself: "My light does not come from them. My light comes from me."
Resentment When Others Get What You Want
The final Cranston clip turns to what happens when someone else gets the part. If you don't change your mindset, Cranston warns, a small seed of resentment takes root and grows into a plant, a tree, and eventually "a forest of resentment and anger," until you "self-implode." If someone else getting a job you auditioned for is "caving you in as a person," Cranston says, you need help.
Hussey says he doesn't frame it as "you need help" in a love-life context. He acknowledges that over time, this experience can become very painful. Feeling constantly behind breeds resentment and insecurity. Even when we don't wish others harm, it can hurt to watch people we love find what we want so badly.
The Wallet: Why Someone Else's Relationship Isn't Yours
Hussey offers a way to reframe this pain. He believes the thing that makes relationships special is the same thing that makes them hard to find: a unique "alchemy" between two particular people. If two people found that with each other, he reasons, it was never his. When he finds it, it will be his, because it will be a connection that is truly right for him.
Cranston's image captures this. It's like finding a wallet, looking at it, and realizing it's someone else's: "I'm not angry. It's not mine... So, give it to him. Hey, I'm happy you found your wallet."
Hussey says that idea alone is worth the whole video. He sees it as a way to be at peace even when nothing is happening in your love life. It lets you feel genuinely happy for other people while still keeping hope, possibility, and curiosity about the moment you find what is yours.
Do you want to know the most dangerous moment in dating? It is the moment you decide you like someone because it is precisely at that moment that we make the number one mistake that kills someone's attraction for us. We put ourselves in the position of needing that person. And somewhere in all of that, we lose the very magic that will actually make us attractive to that person.
It's like our brain has decided that they are the prize and our job is to win them. And once you fall into that mindset, that you're the one trying to get something, you've already given all of your power away. Today, I want to give you a solution to this mindset, this bodily reaction that is completely involuntary and screws up our chances of finding love before love has even had the chance to take root.
I am Matthew Hussey. If you don't know me, for the last 20 years, I have been helping people find love, build their confidence, and live happily in their love lives, no matter what happens. I wrote a book, this book. It's called Love Life. And if you haven't subscribed to the channel, do that now while you remember because I promise you I'm going to have so many great videos coming out in the next couple of months. You are not going to want to miss them.
This is something that Bryan Cranston, yes, Breaking Bad Bryan Cranston, figured out years ago. And he wasn't even talking about dating. He was talking about auditions. But what he said doesn't just hold the answer to being a successful actor. It also holds the answer to finding love. Let's look at what he said.
I used to think that I'm going in there to try to get a job. But when you put yourself in a position of need or want, what happens is that you relinquish power and control over to some unknown entity. It just evaporates out of you. If you need and want something, you are not in a position of control. If you need and want that job, it'll show. It'll seep out and people will be able to tell that there's a need or want there. Nobody wants to hire someone who actually needs a job. We want to hire people who are confident in what they're doing and saying and selling of themselves.
That point right there is extremely important. This idea that no one wants to hire someone who needs a job. But in dating, no one chooses someone for a relationship because they can see that that person needs a relationship. But this is hard in dating because we both want and need love. Okay, we may not need romantic love in order to be happy. I am someone who believes that we can be happy outside of the context of a relationship.
But most of us here who want love are acutely aware that finding romantic love and turning that romantic love into a genuine partnership with a loving teammate is one of the best experiences that is available to us. It is not easy to play it cool in the face of that truth. So, how can we deal with these intense wants and needs in a context like, for example, a first date where they don't actually serve us?
By the way, guys, if you are watching this and there's someone you have in mind who you don't just like, but you really want a relationship with and you want it to progress to the point of a relationship, and you want to know not just what you're learning in this video, which is how to project confidence, but the micro things that you can do and say and the right way to have the "what are we" conversations that lead to commitment, I have a free training called From Casual to Committed that you can watch at GetCommitment.com, which is a perfect free training video for you to go to after this one. It gives you the granular things that you can do that take a situation from being someone you're just dating to someone you're actually in an exclusive long-term relationship with. Check it out at GetCommitment.com.
So when I go into a room to pitch a story as a director or writer or an actor to an audition, I am here to give you something. It may be the solution to your problem, but that's up to you. All I'm doing is giving you an option.
That point is so key to this whole mindset that avoids the mistake of going into a situation with a person we like thinking that, oh my God, I need them and I want them and how do I impress them, and then you give away all of your power to them in the process. The idea that I'm bringing something of value. You may not value it. I can't control whether what I have to give is the solution to your problem. All I can do is my part on this date, in this text, in this conversation. That's my only job. And me presenting what I have to offer won't work on the wrong people.
The secret to this is to stop focusing on getting mass approval of our worth, our value, and instead seeing the holy grail of relationships as value fit. In other words, finding a person who sees our value as exactly the kind of value they are looking for. Anyone who doesn't isn't our person.
So when you come into a room and you have confidence, what happens is that confidence is addictive. You enjoy the feeling of that. It's also, you get to catch it. If someone comes into the room and I sense confidence, you're giving me more confidence in evaluating what you're saying.
That right there, the idea that confidence itself has this kind of magical power. We spend so much time focusing on whether we have the right things to be confident about in life, whether we have the right ingredients to justify us being confident. And we spend not enough time realizing that confidence in and of itself has a magical quality. It is infectious. People can catch it.
So when you walk into the room and you own yourself and you believe in the gift you're bringing with you by being there, it is that certainty and that detachment from the outcome that might end up being the thing that makes someone else decide you are exactly what they have been looking for. Confidence is a genuine superpower. I know that when I walk out onto the stage to give a speech, it is my job to transfer energy to that audience. It is not their job to transfer energy to me.
There is a technique that Phil Stutz and Barry Michels created called the dust technique where you imagine before you go out into a big presentation, you dust the audience. You cover them in a two-inch-thick coat of dust that stops them from being this light-emanating force that we are trying to impress and instead allows you to be the light-emanating force. Imagine the next time you go on a date covering them in a thick coat of dust and then say, "My light does not come from them. My light comes from me."
If you don't make this change, a little seed of resentment will start to turn and it starts to plant itself, and pretty soon it's a plant and a tree and a forest of resentment and anger, and you will self-implode because you have not given over. The idea that if someone else gets a job that you auditioned for or you pitched and it's caving you in as a person, you need help.
Obviously, in a love life context, I don't think of it in terms of "you need help" because the reality is that over time this can become extremely painful. This idea that I am constantly behind, that does breed resentment, insecurity. It does create pain when we see other people, even if we don't wish them badly. It can still create pain when we see people we love finding what we want so badly.
But I do also believe that what makes relationships really special is the same thing that makes them really hard to find. The right relationships are so special because there is some kind of unique alchemy between those two people. That thing they found isn't mine if they found it with each other. When I find it, it will be very much mine because I will have found something that is truly right for me, a connection that is truly special.
It's like me finding a wallet here and I look at it and, oh, it's yours. I'm not angry. It's not mine. It's his wallet. So, give it to him. Hey, I'm happy you found your wallet.
I think even that idea of being happy that someone else found their wallet is worth this video alone because just in that is a way to be at peace even in the moments where nothing is happening in our love lives. It allows us to feel peaceful. It allows us to feel happy for other people, which is a wonderful feeling to have while still maintaining the hope and the possibility and the sense of curiosity about a moment where we find the thing that is ours.
Leave me a comment below letting me know how this video spoke to you. I've been loving reading your comments of late. And don't forget to go and check out that free training at GetCommitment.com that shows you how to progress something from casual to committed. I'll see you in the next video.
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