Can Men Change? Matthew Hussey on What Actually Shifts Someone Early in Dating
Matthew Hussey
Dating coach Matthew Hussey opens with a provocation: "I am a changed man." His question is whether people, and men in particular, can change into a committed partner, or whether that hope is a trap. His answer draws on his own story with his wife, Audrey. Change is possible, he argues, but only in limited ways, only with the right person, and only if the person hoping for it is willing to leave.
Contradictory Advice About Change
Hussey starts with the conflicting messages people hear online, especially in short-form video. He mentions viral TikTok street interviews in New York City where a woman asks strangers whether men change, and they always say no. He finds them funny. Against that sits the saying that "soulmates are built, not found." It implies that two people with histories and baggage will have early friction, and that both sides need to evolve to make a relationship work. On that view, change is a precondition for getting into a relationship at all.
Then there is a third strand: don't date men who are "projects." Don't become his therapist, don't do all the emotional labor, and don't turn into a mother figure instead of an equal partner. It comes with slogans like "if he wanted to, he would" and "when men know, they know." The conclusion is that if he isn't interested, pursuing, and fully committed, you should end it. Hussey asks which of these is right. Should you hope a man becomes your soulmate, or drop him at the first red flag? He says he wants to explore the nuance.
His Own Story
When Hussey met Audrey, he says, he wasn't ready to commit. He was enjoying being single, focused on his work, and wasn't looking for a girlfriend, let alone a wife. Within two years they were engaged. Five years after meeting, they are happily married. Taken as evidence, he says, his story answers "can men change?" with a resounding yes. He admits that marriage and children were things he feared. He also says he was never fully vulnerable or emotionally available with earlier partners, though he didn't realize it then.
He warns viewers not to take this as proof that the "emotionally unavailable avoidant" they're dating is a future husband. In his view, change is very hard for everyone, regardless of gender. Most people spend little time reflecting on what they want to change, and fewer still do the work. Even those who do change don't get a "personality transplant overnight." They change by small degrees.
What Prompts Change, and What You Can't Control
Hussey lists common triggers. One is regret: a bad divorce that makes someone never want to repeat a toxic dynamic, or the sense that time has passed without settling down. Another is a health scare. Another is watching friends and mentors settle into happy marriages and seeing, for the first time, that marriage done with the right person isn't a trap but "a free and liberating lifestyle."
His point is that none of these can be influenced or bet on. You can't control a man's social circle, whether he goes to therapy, or whether he has a regret he wants to correct. What you can influence, Hussey says, is the direction of the relationship in its early stages. He offers three things that "worked on me," with the caveat that they may work only if you're with the right person who just needs a nudge.
Step One: Offer New Relationship Associations
If someone seems noncommittal, has no dating history at 35, or can't figure out what they want, Hussey thinks there's a high chance they have negative or complicated associations with relationships. They may see a relationship as being trapped, as the slow death of their sex life, or as someone nagging them constantly. Changing their mind isn't your job, he says. But people often change "when a more powerful force shows up in their life," and someone who believes in how good relationships can be, especially with them, is that kind of force.
His method is to start general conversations about relationships from a neutral place and then listen to learn what the other person's associations are. His example: the man says relationships make people slowly become roommates, stop having sex, nag each other, and get in the way of each other's dreams. Hussey suggests validating the fear, since it does sound terrible described that way, and then offering a contrast. You want a relationship where you have amazing sex with your partner "until the day we die," where becoming roommates is unthinkable, and where a partner's job is to know the other's dreams and help achieve them.
Hussey explains what this response does without saying it outright. It suggests that the other person's picture is only one version of a relationship, a narrow one, and that other kinds exist, including with you. It also challenges an identity nobody wants: being pessimistic, unimaginative, and narrow-minded. And it signals that you'll have this kind of relationship with or without them, and "if they're not careful, it's going to be without them." He calls it "an offensive strategy, not a defensive strategy."
Step Two: Draw Boundaries
Hussey describes a common early-dating mistake. When people like someone, they go out of their way to please them and put them on a pedestal without asking whether this person is right for them. After a few dates with someone impressive, it's easy to think you'll never meet anyone like them again. That makes you hesitant to call out poor texting, lack of follow-through, or hot-and-cold behavior.
He argues that calling out such behavior confidently can push someone to step up, possibly in ways they never have. It also raises your value in their eyes, because you're not just another person letting them get away with it. Some people have behaved badly for so long that they no longer recognize it as bad. In those cases, he says, it doesn't hurt to give them the benefit of the doubt and see whether a conversation and a boundary wake them up.
Step Three: Be Willing to Walk Away
Hussey says step two doesn't work without step three. If new associations and boundaries haven't worked, you have to be willing to leave. Trying to change someone who doesn't want to, or doesn't see the value in it, is "an impossible battle to win."
He believes people change when it serves something better, and they need a strong enough "why." That why can mix carrot and stick. The carrot is the future they want, which you're painting with you in it. The stick is the past that hasn't made them happy.
He returns to Audrey. Early on, he realized he was feeling something with her he had never felt before, including a sense of being accepted like never before. He says she used the three things from the video to get him to a place where he wanted to commit to her alone. It wasn't smooth at first, he adds, but that rough start didn't reflect the relationship they could build.
Why It Sometimes Doesn't Work
Hussey anticipates the objection from viewers who listened, offered great associations, set boundaries, walked away, and saw the man neither chase nor care. His reply is that the approach only works with a man whose values align with yours. No amount of influence can change the wrong person. And walking away "is not a tactic. It's a standard you're communicating."
He then reframes the "men don't change" belief. In his view, the number of women who say it reflects how many women stay with men who don't change. They stay with someone who flirts with others and keeps his options open, believing he's valuable and that they'll be the one he changes for. Hussey argues we would believe more in people's ability to change if we gave less time to those who don't. Staying and giving more chances creates a self-fulfilling belief that men don't change.
Hoping Versus Testing
Hussey says he had the potential to be a great partner but "didn't come pre-made as the perfect partner," and Audrey "wasn't hoping for that. She was testing for that." If she had written him off as a red flag too quickly, which he says she easily could have given how he behaved early on, they wouldn't have the life they have now. But if she had kept setting up dates or reaching out while he showed hesitation and didn't meet her halfway, that wouldn't have worked either.
He sums up what she did. She was clear about her wants and needs, she was vulnerable, and she offered powerful associations with relationships because she believed in them, and in how good they were with her. She communicated her boundaries clearly and was prepared to leave if he didn't eventually meet her where she needed. That, Hussey says, is how you inspire change in someone who doesn't come "pre-made perfectly for you," and it's what "soulmates are built, not found" means.
He closes with questions for viewers. He asks men how they've changed over the years and what or who inspired it. He asks anyone dating someone in the hope they'll change whether this video calls for action, either working to create that change or leaving the situation altogether.
I am a changed man. Before we get into my personal story though, let's start with what this video is about.
A lot of online love advice is contradictory, especially when it's delivered in short-form video. You may have heard that men don't change. In fact, there are viral TikTok videos with millions of views in which a woman street interviews strangers in New York City asking if men change. They're very funny, actually. And they always say no.
On the other hand, you may have heard that soulmates are built, not found, implying that change does need to happen in order for a relationship to work. After all, two people with histories and baggage can't come together without some form of friction in the beginning and an evolution from either side to make it work. In these cases, change is a fundamental precursor to getting into a relationship.
But you may have also heard that you shouldn't date men who are projects. You shouldn't be their therapist, and you shouldn't do all of the emotional labor of a relationship because you risk becoming a mother figure to him instead of an equal partner. You've been told that if he wanted to, he would. And when men know, they know. So if he hasn't shown up as interested and pursuing and fully committed, then end it. He is not the man for you.
So what is it? Do men change into becoming your soulmate? Is that something you should even hope for, or are most of them lost causes and you should drop them as soon as you see a red flag?
In this video, let's do what we do best on this channel and dig into the nuance. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Matthew Hussey. I've coached hundreds of thousands of people over the last two decades now and written two New York Times bestsellers on all of this stuff. Subscribe and like this video, and let's get into it.
When I first met my wife, Audrey, I was not in a place where I was ready to commit to a serious relationship. I was enjoying being single. I was focusing on my work. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, let alone a wife. Within two years, I was engaged. And now, just five years after we met, we're happily married. So, if you were to use me as evidence, the answer to "Can men change?" would be a loud and resounding yes.
Marriage and children were things I feared, and I was never fully vulnerable or emotionally available for prior partners, even if I didn't know that about myself at the time. But before you click off this video and go to celebrate that the emotionally unavailable avoidant you are dating is your future husband, there are some important nuances you should note.
Change for everybody is incredibly difficult, not just for men. Change is difficult regardless of gender. And the average person doesn't spend a lot of time in self-reflection, consciously thinking about the things they want to change about themselves. Even fewer people are doing the work. And even for the people that do change, they don't tend to get a personality transplant overnight. They change by small degrees.
So, what prompts a man to change? The answer varies. For some, the answer can be regret. Maybe a bad divorce makes them never want to repeat a toxic relationship dynamic ever again. Or it's the regret of time passing without having settled down. It could be a health scare that prompts them into taking relationships seriously. It could be watching his friends and mentors settle down in happy marriages and seeing for the first time that marriage isn't a scary trap, but a free and liberating lifestyle when it's done with the right person.
But here's the problem. Those aren't things you can influence or bet on. You can't influence a man's social circle or whether he'll go to therapy, or if he has a profound regret that he wants to correct. There are, however, a few things you can do to influence the direction of your relationship in the early stages. Let's go through the three things that worked on me that may work for you, too, if you're with the right person who just needs a nudge in the right direction.
First, offer them new relationship associations. If someone you're dating is coming off as non-committal, lacks a dating history at the age of 35, or struggles to figure out what they want, there is a high chance that they have some negative or complicated associations with relationships. Maybe they see a relationship as being trapped, or the slow death of their sex life, or maybe it's someone nagging them at every turn.
While it's not your job to change someone's mind about these things, it's also true that people often change when a more powerful force shows up in their life. And if you're a believer in how amazing relationships can be, even more so when they're with you, that is a powerful force.
Here's the key. Encourage having general conversation about the topic of relationships, but from a neutral place. Then, simply listen, so that you can understand what their current relationship associations are. He might say, "I feel like in relationships people just slowly become roommates. And then they stop having sex, and they just end up nagging each other and getting in the way of each other's dreams and the things that they really want to do."
Now, when you hear that, you may even validate those fears they have and say, "Oh my God, that sounds terrible the way you describe it. I feel like that's the kind of relationship I would want to avoid, too. But I plan to be in a relationship where I'm having amazing sex with my partner until the day we die. The idea of turning into roommates is something I could never do. And getting in the way of each other's dreams, I feel like your ultimate job as a partner is to know your partner's dreams and to support those and to push them forward to be able to achieve those dreams or live those dreams."
If you say that, what you're saying is your version of a relationship is just one version of a relationship. You're describing this as if it's all relationships. You have a very narrow-minded vision for what relationships are. You don't have to spell that out, but it's kind of what you're saying. That's not what I'm getting into. I have a much different vision for relationships. And what you're doing in the process is you're saying, "A, other relationships exist than the kind you're talking about. They exist with me."
And you're kind of calling out this identity they have as a pessimistic, unimaginative, narrow-minded person. And no one wants that identity for themselves. And of course, it sends the message that this kind of a relationship is one that you are going to get into with or without them. And if they're not careful, it's going to be without them. It's an offensive strategy, not a defensive strategy.
But you may have your specific thing that you're dealing with, a fear someone has said to you, or an objection that someone has said to you to moving forward, and you're wanting to know, "What do I say to that? How do I deal with that one?" Well, I want you to go over to AskMH.com and try Matthew AI. Ask Matthew AI your question. Whether you've been seeing someone for three weeks or three months or three years, it doesn't matter. Just say your situation in as much detail as you like, and it's going to help you know what to do and what to say to turn it around.
It's trained on 18 years of my courses, my videos, my coaching, and it is going to give you tailored advice for your situation that goes beyond the general advice in this video. You'll be astonished at how insightful it can be. We have thousands of people using this around the clock right now as the secret weapon in their love lives. The link to try it for free is AskMH.com. Go ask your question. Let me know what Matthew AI says.
Okay, let's get to the second step. If you want someone to change, draw some boundaries. An early dating mistake a lot of people make is if they like someone, they go out of their way to please that person, to put them on a pedestal, without ever stopping to question if this person is actually right for them.
If you've been on a few dates with an impressive person and you think, "I'll never meet someone like this again," you might be hesitant to call out behavior like poor texting or lack of follow-through or hot and cold behavior. Calling out behavior in a confident way can encourage them to step up, maybe in ways they haven't before. It also raises your value in their eyes because you're not just another person letting them get away with bad behavior.
Some people have gotten away with poor behavior for so long that they don't even realize they're doing it. They don't even know it's poor behavior anymore. In these situations, it doesn't hurt to give someone the benefit of the doubt and see if the conversation, the boundary, has the potential to change things and wake them up to their behavior.
But this is where key number three to change comes in because key number two does not work if you are not prepared to do key number three. You have to be willing to walk away if offering new relationship associations and defining boundaries hasn't worked. Trying to change someone who doesn't want to change or who doesn't see the value in changing is an impossible battle to win.
People tend to change if it's in service of something better. They need a strong enough why. The why can be a mixture of carrot and stick. The carrot is the future they want, a future that you're painting with you. The stick is the past that hasn't worked in making them happy so far.
In the early days of seeing my now wife Audrey, it dawned on me that I was feeling something with her that was incredibly valuable I had never felt before. I'd never felt so accepted. I'd never felt so... She used the things I've talked about in this video like offering new relationship associations, creating boundaries, and the ability to walk away to inspire me to get to a place where I wanted to commit to her and only her. It wasn't all smooth sailing in the beginning, but that wasn't an indication of the kind of relationship we could build together.
Now, some of you may be thinking, "Matthew, I've done these things before and it didn't work. I listened. I offered amazing relationship associations. I set boundaries and I walked away. And guess what? He didn't chase me. He didn't even care." Well, that's the thing about this plan. It's only viable if you're dealing with a man whose values align with yours. No matter the amount of influence or impact, you cannot change the wrong person. You walking away is not a tactic. It's a standard you're communicating.
I think that the number of women who say men don't change is actually a commentary on how many women stick around for men who don't change. You stick around for someone who's flirting with other people and keeping his options open because you think he's valuable and you're going to be the one he changes for. We would believe in people's ability to change more if we gave less time to people who don't change. Sticking around for people who don't change, giving them more chances, creates a self-fulfilling belief that men don't change.
I had the potential to be a great partner. I didn't come pre-made as the perfect partner, but Audrey wasn't hoping for that. She was testing for that. If she had given up on me too quickly and labeled me a red flag, which she very easily could, trust me on how I was behaving in the early stages, we wouldn't have had the beautiful life we have today. But if she had kept trying persistently to set up dates or to reach out when I'd clearly been showing hesitation and uncertainty and not meeting her halfway, it wouldn't have worked in her favor either.
She was clear about her wants and needs. She was vulnerable. She offered powerful associations with relationships. Audrey was a believer, is a believer in relationships. She was a believer in how amazing relationships were with her. She communicated her boundaries clearly and was prepared to walk away if I didn't eventually meet her where she needed things to be. And that's how you can inspire change in someone who doesn't come pre-made perfectly for you. That's what they mean by soulmates are built, not found.
Now, if you are a man watching this, let me know the ways you feel you've changed over the years and what inspired those changes or who inspired those changes. What did they do? And if you're someone watching this who's dating someone hoping they will change, man or woman, is there something you need to do from this video, whether it's taking action to create that change or leaving that situation altogether?
I'm really enjoying reading your comments recently. I've been going deep in the comment section this year. I don't know if you've noticed. So, leave one now and I will be reading and responding to as many as I can. I'll see you in the comment section.
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