Why Your Feelings May Be the Best Early Signal of an Avoidant Partner
Matthew Hussey
A viewer asked Matthew Hussey whether there is a way to spot an avoidant before falling in love with them. Hussey walks through six early warning signs, then argues that searching for those signs before feelings develop is harder, and less useful, than it sounds. Their conclusion is that a better question is not "Is this person avoidant?" but "What is really behind the feelings I'm having?"
What Hussey Means by "Avoidant"
Hussey starts with a brief definition. Anxiously attached people and avoidants both fear closeness, but they deal with that fear differently: "the anxiously attached hold on tight, avoidants push it away." Hussey calls this the general pattern.
This matters in dating because of what Hussey has long called "the most dangerous moment in dating": the moment you decide you really like someone and feel they like you back. In a clip from an earlier talk, Hussey explains that the moment is dangerous because we believe it is rare. People think they never meet someone they like who likes them back, so when it happens they "give everything to this situation" and are liable to throw their standards out the window to stay close.
With an avoidant, Hussey says, the moment is dangerous for an additional reason. When you let your guard down and show your true feelings, many avoidants begin to feel overwhelmed and pull away. The signs that follow are meant to help viewers, in Hussey's words, "inoculate" themselves against these painful situations.
Sign One: Closeness Equals Distance
Hussey calls this the most important sign. It is not that someone is distant. It is that they become distant when you get closer. You might have a vulnerable conversation, spend an amazing weekend together, or feel that things are finally moving forward. Then the person becomes harder to reach. They are slower to text, vaguer, less affectionate, and they say they need space. In a healthy relationship, Hussey says, closeness equals closeness. With an avoidant, closeness equals distance.
Not all avoidants are the same
Hussey pauses the list to add what they describe as almost a public service announcement. Some avoidants are toxic, malicious, and truly unfeeling. They ghost you as soon as you get close. Others are not bad people. They "drag their feet a little bit," stretching out a situationship because they get in their own heads and make everything too difficult for themselves.
Hussey says the distinction matters because with the second type there are practical things you can do to help someone get out of their own way. They draw on personal experience: while dating their wife, Audrey, Hussey was "dragging my heels a little bit." A very specific conversation Audrey had with them changed things and led to a serious commitment. Hussey does not describe that conversation here and points viewers to a separate, longer video on moving from a situationship to commitment.
Sign Two: A Disproportionate Reaction to Feelings or Needs
The second sign is how someone responds when you raise a feeling or a need. Hussey's example: you say, "I was hurt when you disappeared for 3 days." Instead of hearing you, the person acts as though you are demanding, controlling, needy, dramatic, or asking for too much. Hussey considers this very telling, because healthy people can tolerate some discomfort and stay in the conversation.
Sign Three: Avoiding Committed Plans
Third, avoidants tend to avoid committing to plans. Hussey describes it as though giving a date, a time, and a definite yes is something their schedule "just can't allow," even though other things in their life, like a dentist's appointment, somehow get scheduled. The timing is the key detail. If plans become vague, get postponed, or get cancelled right after the two of you have gotten closer, Hussey says that tells you more than the cancellation itself.
Sign Four: Emotional Asymmetry
The fourth sign is that you are vulnerable with them but they are not vulnerable with you. You share meaningful things, and they may listen and even seem warm, but they stay on the outside of the relationship emotionally. You know about their work stress, their exes, and their travel stories, but not what they are afraid of, longing for, or feeling. Hussey notes that many avoidant people can seem emotionally open while still withholding real vulnerability.
Sign Five: Distance After a Great Time, With a Reason Attached
Fifth, after a wonderful time together, they suddenly create distance and produce a reason. You've just had "the best weekend ever," and now they are overwhelmed with work, confused, stressed, exhausted, or dealing with a family emergency.
Hussey warns that empaths who really like the person tend to "snap into support mode." Their example is scouring Uber Eats for fresh ginger shots and "feel better bagels" to send over. Hussey acknowledges that the responsibility the person mentions is sometimes real. The timing is what tells you something: you got close, and now distance is suddenly necessary.
Sign Six: A Relationship History That Ends When Things Get Serious
The sixth sign is someone who talks passionately about wanting love but has a history of relationships ending just as they got serious. Their explanations follow a recognizable pattern: the timing wasn't right, they lost the spark, they needed space or freedom. According to Hussey, most avoidant people don't consciously say, "I'm afraid of intimacy," but the stories they tell reveal it. A short clip illustrates the point: someone says they've had "lots of great girlfriends," but around the 18-month mark "something just happens and goes wrong."
The Problem With Trying to Spot Avoidance Early
After the list, Hussey turns to what they see as a flaw in the original question. Feelings happen fast. If closeness equals distance, then by definition you realize you're dealing with an avoidant only once you've already gotten close and developed feelings. Before closeness, avoidants don't always present clearly. Many are charming.
Hussey stresses that this charm is not necessarily malicious. An avoidant may genuinely believe you are the answer they've been looking for, and think that although they were unsure in every previous relationship, they feel sure about this one. So they give you a lot of energy and show up looking like a green flag.
Hussey also argues that spending early dates hunting for avoidant signs puts you on the defensive. You end up scanning every minor signal for evidence that someone will hurt you, which Hussey calls "not a fun place to date from." You risk misreading things or not giving something a fair chance.
Creating Moments Where Patterns Reveal Themselves
Hussey's alternative is to stop trying to spot an avoidant and instead become someone who isn't afraid to put themselves in situations where avoidant patterns reveal themselves. That means showing up ready for real intimacy, engineering moments where it can happen, and watching how the other person reacts. Hussey's examples:
- Share something vulnerable and see whether they meet you there.
- Introduce them to a friend, or meet one of theirs.
- Ask for something small: more consistency, a phone call, a plan for next week.
Hussey says the point is not whether they do it perfectly. It is whether closeness makes them more connected or more evasive.
Sharing a need, or an unmet need, is in Hussey's view one of the clearest ways to see someone's attachment style. Example phrasings include "I really like hearing from you between dates" or "When plans are vague, I start to feel uncertain." A secure or self-aware person may not respond perfectly but can hear it and stay engaged. Someone with strong avoidant tendencies may become defensive, overwhelmed, or distant, or make you feel unreasonable for having the need at all.
If you do sense distance, Hussey suggests naming it, for instance: "I feel like you've been more distant since our weekend together." The reaction reveals a great deal. Some people lean in and say something like, "You're right. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I get close to people." Hussey draws a sharp line between someone with avoidant tendencies who can say "I notice I pull away when I start to care" and someone who is unaware of it or, worse, blames you for noticing. "Self-awareness doesn't solve everything," Hussey says, "but it changes everything."
Hussey admits it is hard to rock the boat with someone you don't want to scare away. But if you can't, you'll never learn how that person handles discomfort, or handles you having needs.
The Better Question: What's Behind These Feelings?
In the final part, Hussey reframes the whole question. You may recognize an avoidant precisely when you find yourself falling for someone who isn't actually showing you the right things. For many people, especially those with anxious attachment styles, the push-pull dynamic is the very thing that creates the fixation.
So instead of "How do I spot the signs before I catch feelings?", Hussey proposes asking "What's really behind these feelings I'm having when they occur?" In anxiously inclined people, Hussey says, early avoidant behavior triggers a sense of unworthiness that makes them feel they really must have this person. Even more secure people get whiplash, because the behavior doesn't feel like a normal response to the situation. When you fall harder for someone who is pulling away, the intensity may reflect not how perfect they are, but "how unsure our footing has become with them."
Hussey supports this with Dorothy Tennov's work on limerence, which Hussey describes as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire focused on another person. As Hussey summarizes Tennov, limerence is triggered by the possibility of reciprocation: a smile, a lingering conversation, a mixed signal, a moment of unusual warmth. Hussey concludes that many avoidants are especially likely to produce fixation, because they tend to show interest at first, then change their energy, and remain ambiguous and unpredictable.
This is why Hussey thinks the importance of detecting avoidance before intense feelings arrive "can be overstated." Their argument runs like this: the question shouldn't be how to find out quickly whether someone is avoidant before you get hurt. Instead, the fact that you've rapidly developed painfully intense feelings may itself indicate their avoidance.
Feelings as a Pressure Valve and a Signpost
Hussey says this understanding works as "a kind of pressure valve." It won't switch off your feelings, but it lets you view them more skeptically. It also stops you from putting all your sense of control outside yourself and making the other person the sole focus of your attention. Asking what's behind your feelings, in Hussey's framing, puts control back in your hands.
In practice, this means checking in with yourself instead of tracking the other person's moves, behavior, and moods. Are these feelings coming from feeling safe and appreciated, or from anxiety over slow replies and anticipating the next one? When you notice yourself being pulled in fast, pause and ask why. Do you feel good around this person, relaxed, happy, "like you can breathe," or do you feel you have to earn their attention? If you catch yourself thinking "We're so compatible" while constantly feeling unsure where you stand, Hussey says to pay attention to that contradiction.
Hussey also cautions against being drawn to whoever produces the most intense feelings. Many things in life produce intense feelings, some good and some bad, like drugs. "No one's recommending drugs as a life partner," Hussey says, so intensity shouldn't be taken as a sign of importance.
Hussey's closing recommendation is to let your feelings serve as a signpost rather than trying to catch every avoidant behavior in advance. The goal is to stop assuming that something is good just because it feels intense. You can be deeply emotionally involved and still step back and say, "This isn't making me happy, and the intensity of my feelings here might actually be the warning sign I've been looking for." Hussey ends by asking viewers how they check in with themselves in early dating. Journaling helps some people, and many in Hussey's audience use Matthew AI. Hussey says there is no wrong answer, only what works for each person.
Ah, the sweet delight of first dating someone. The butterflies. Oh, hi. The anticipation, the flirting. It's just like the movies. Until it all goes away. It leaves you wondering how to spot an avoidant before you fall in love with them.
A quick word on avoidance before we start. The difference between avoidants and the anxiously attached is how they deal with their fear of closeness. The anxiously attached hold on tight, avoidants push it away. That's the general pattern. The issue that creates for dating an avoidant is that it makes an already dangerous dating moment even more dangerous. I have long said that the most dangerous moment in dating is the moment you decide you really like someone or even love them.
The moment you decide you like someone and then you feel they like you back, the most dangerous moment in dating. And the reason it's the most dangerous moment is because we think it's so rare. I never meet anyone I like and they like me back. This is it. And then we give everything to this situation.
Because that's the moment you're liable to throw all of your standards out the window in order to stay close to them. But with the avoidant, it's dangerous for another reason. The moment you let your guard down and show your true feelings is the moment that many avoidants begin to feel overwhelmed and start to pull away. So, what are some of the early signs of the avoidant so that you can in some way inoculate yourself against these painful situations? Let's talk about them.
Number one, with an avoidant, closeness equals distance. The most important sign is not that someone is distant, it's that they become distant when you get closer. Maybe you have a vulnerable conversation, spend an amazing weekend together, finally feel like things are moving forward, and then suddenly they become harder to reach. They're slower to text, they're more vague, they're less affectionate, they need space. In a healthy relationship, closeness equals closeness. In a relationship with an avoidant, closeness equals distance.
No, sorry about that. David is not here right now, and this is not a part of the YouTube game that I am good at. I wanted to say something about this point because it's one of the most important points in the entire video. Closeness equals distance with an avoidant. But not all avoidants are made equal, and I feel like I have to say that almost as a PSA because there are clearly the avoidants that are toxic, malicious, truly unfeeling in their response, ghost you at the end as soon as you get close to them, they just disappear.
And there are other people who are not bad people, they just drag their feet a little bit. They're people who will stretch out the time of a situationship if they can because they're getting in their own head and making everything too difficult for themselves.
The reason I say that is because when you have someone like that in your life, there actually are practical things that you can do to help people get out of their own way. I know of what I speak here because when I was dating my wife Audrey, I was dragging my heels a little bit, and there were some things that she did that helped me get out of my own way. Very specific conversation, in fact, that she had with me that changed things and led to a serious commitment and a relationship that really started to take off.
If you are in this situation yourself, don't worry, there is an epidemic of situationships right now, so you are not alone. But you're also not helpless. There's things you can do that actually help a relationship move forward from situationship into a commitment. I have a video on it if you want to check it out. It's a little longer than this video, but I promise you it's worth it. It's at getcommitment.com, so go check that out. And now, let's get back to this video and the second early sign that someone is an avoidant.
Second, they react disproportionately when you bring up your feelings or a need you have. Let's say you say, "I was hurt when you disappeared for three days." Instead of hearing you, they suddenly act as though you're demanding, controlling, needy, dramatic, or asking for too much. This is a very telling sign because healthy people can tolerate some discomfort and remain in the conversation.
Three, they avoid committing to plans. It's as though the act of giving a date and a time and a definite yes is something their schedule just can't allow, even though there are probably many other things in their life that somehow get scheduled, like a dentist's appointment. If you notice that things tend to become vague, get postponed, or canceled right after the two of you have gotten closer, that tells you more than the cancellation itself.
Number four, you are vulnerable with them, but they don't become vulnerable with you. There is, in other words, an emotional asymmetry. You tell them meaningful things. They may listen, they may even seem warm, but they remain on the outside of the relationship emotionally. You know about their work stress, their exes, their travel stories, but not what they're actually afraid of, not what they're longing for or feeling. Many avoidant people can appear emotionally open while still withholding real vulnerability.
Number five, after a wonderful time, they suddenly create distance and produce a reason. You might be saying to yourself, "We just had the best weekend ever." And now suddenly they're overwhelmed with work, confused, stressed, exhausted, or they have a family emergency.
The danger, if you are an empath who really likes this person, is that all of a sudden you snap into support mode. You start scouring Uber Eats for fresh ginger shots and feel-better bagels that you can send them. Look, sometimes the responsibility they're referring to is real, but the timing is the part that tells you something. You got close. Now all of a sudden distance is necessary.
Number six, they talk passionately about wanting love, but have a history of relationships ending just as things got serious. And when they explain those endings, the reasons are often, "The timing wasn't right. I lost the spark, or I just needed space or freedom." Listen for that recognizable language. Most avoidant people don't consciously say, "I'm afraid of intimacy." But the stories they tell reveal that truth.
I've had lots of great girlfriends, but it's always around that 18-month period where something just happens and goes wrong. Strange, right?
There is a problem with trying to spot an avoidant's behavior before you catch feelings. Feelings happen fast. If closeness equals distance with an avoidant, then by definition the moment you realize you have one on your hands is when you've already gotten close and started to develop feelings. Prior to closeness, the avoidant doesn't always present themselves clearly. Many can be charming. And by the way, that's not intentionally malicious. They may genuinely believe that you are the answer they've been looking for, that yes, I was unsure in all of my previous relationships, but I feel really sure about this one. So, they'll start giving you a lot of energy, and they show up to you as a green flag.
And in any case, the problem with spending all of those early dating moments obsessing over spotting the signs of an avoidant actually ends up putting you on the defense. Now you're looking for every minor sign and signal to suggest that someone is going to hurt you, which is not a fun place to date from. You risk misreading things or worse, not even giving something a fair chance.
What we can do is move from trying to spot an avoidant to being a person who isn't afraid of putting themselves in situations where the avoidant patterns reveal themselves. In other words, show up ready for real intimacy and engineer moments where it can occur and see how they react. Share something vulnerable and see if they meet you there. Introduce them to a friend or meet one of theirs. Ask for something small, more consistency, a phone call, a plan for next week. The point is not whether they do it perfectly, it's whether closeness makes them more connected or more evasive.
You could share a need or an unmet need, which is one of the clearest ways to see someone's attachment style. For example, you could say, "I really like hearing from you between dates." Or, "When plans are vague, I start to feel uncertain." A secure or self-aware person may not get it perfect, but they can tolerate hearing that and stay engaged. Whereas someone with strong avoidant tendencies may immediately become defensive, overwhelmed, distant, or make you feel unreasonable for having the need in the first place.
And if you do feel distance, notice what happens when you name that distance. If you say to them, "I feel like you've been more distant since our weekend together." Their reaction to that sentence will tell you a huge amount. Do they lean in and say, "You're right. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I get close to people." There is a huge difference between someone who has avoidant tendencies and can still say, "I notice I pull away when I start to care," versus someone who is completely unaware of it, or worse, blames you for noticing.
Self-awareness doesn't solve everything, don't get me wrong, but it changes everything. I get it, it's hard to rock the boat, especially with someone you don't want to scare away. But if you can't do this, you'll never find out how someone handles discomfort, or you having needs. It may be worth considering that you'll know an avoidant precisely at the moment when you find yourself falling in love with someone who's not actually showing you the right things.
For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment styles, the push-pull dynamic with the avoidant is the very thing that has us fixated in the first place. Asking, "How do I spot the signs before I catch feelings?" sounds like the right question. But a better question might be, "What's really behind these feelings I'm having when they occur?" In many of us, especially the anxiously inclined, early avoidant behavior triggers a sense of unworthiness that suddenly makes us feel like we really must have them. And even in the more secure among us, it still gives us whiplash because it doesn't feel like a normal response to the situation. But for those of us who feel ourselves falling harder for someone who is pulling away, our falling for them may not be an indication of how perfect they are, but how unsure our footing has become with them.
There's something intoxicating about anyone who initially shows us interest. In Dorothy Tennov's work around limerence, which is an involuntary state of intense romantic desire focused on another person, she says that it is triggered by the possibility of reciprocation. A smile, a lingering conversation, a mixed signal, a moment of unusual warmth. Many avoidants, therefore, are particularly dangerous when it comes to getting us fixated because of the tendency to initially show interest and then change their energy, often being ambiguous and unpredictable in their next move.
This is what I meant when I say that the importance of trying to discover whether someone is avoidant before we get intense feelings can be overstated. The intense feelings we have for an avoidant may in themselves be the answer we are looking for. It's not how do I rapidly find out if they are avoidant before I develop intense feelings for them and get hurt, but instead, perhaps the fact that I have rapidly developed painfully intense feelings for them is in itself an indicator of their avoidance.
This understanding can act as a kind of pressure valve. It doesn't just switch our feelings off for that person, but it does allow us to view those feelings in a much more skeptical light. It stops us from putting all of our sense of control outside of ourselves, making the other person the focus of all of our attention.
Asking, "What's behind these feelings I'm having?" puts the control back in our hands and brings the power back to us. Now, instead of constantly noting their moves and their behavior and their moods, what you're doing instead is checking in with yourself and asking, "Are these feelings coming from me feeling safe and appreciated, or is it because I'm getting anxious at slow responses and anticipating the next one?" This way of thinking brings the attention back to us.
When you notice yourself getting pulled in fast, pause and ask, "Why?" Is it because you actually feel good around this person, relaxed, happy, like you can breathe, or is it because you feel like you have to earn their attention? If you find yourself thinking, "We're so compatible," while also feeling constantly unsure about where you stand, pay attention to that contradiction. And if you find yourself drawn to whomever gives you the most intense feelings, there are many things in life that give us very intense feelings. Some of them are good, some of them are really bad, like drugs. No one's recommending drugs as a life partner, so we shouldn't just take intensity as an indication of importance.
Instead of trying to spot every avoidant behavior before you catch feelings, let your feelings themselves be a signpost. The goal is to stop assuming that just because something feels intense, it's good. You can be deeply emotionally involved in something and still step back and say, "This isn't making me happy, and the intensity of my feelings here might actually be the warning sign I've been looking for."
Let me know in the comments if this video helped you. I would love to hear how you check in with yourself in early dating. Journaling helps some people. Many people in my audience have been using Matthew AI. There is no wrong answer. It's just what works for you. I will see you here next week.
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