How to Make Friends as an Adult: Matthew Hussey on Closing, Following Up, and Vulnerability
Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey's channel is usually about finding love, but in this video he turns to friendship, which he calls something "we have to talk about right now." His argument is that friendship is closely tied to romantic life, and also matters on its own for health and happiness. Most of the video covers the practical work of making friends once school-age social structures are gone. He also gives particular attention to why men often find this harder.
Why Friendship Belongs in a Conversation About Love
Hussey gives two reasons friendship is "inextricably linked" to love. A strong base of friends provides confidence and stability, which he says makes people more attractive when they date. Friendship also makes it possible to be happy when not dating at all.
He then argues the stakes go beyond happiness to health. He cites what he describes as a large meta-analysis finding that people with strong social relationships had a 50% increased chance of survival compared with those with weak social ties. He summarizes it as real friendships increasing your odds of survival by 50%.
The Loneliness Debate
Hussey notes that the "loneliness epidemic" has drawn a lot of attention in recent years, especially the idea of a male loneliness epidemic. He outlines one position in that debate: male loneliness is self-inflicted and comes from men's own behaviors and choices rather than external, systemic factors. On this view, internalized norms such as repressing emotions and neglecting platonic friendships leave men isolated as adults.
He also raises the counterpoint that women are lonely too. A growing number of women are single and navigating life alone "for the first time in history," and in this view their loneliness hasn't received the attention it deserves. Hussey doesn't settle the debate. He says he wants to talk about the struggles everyone faces in making adult friendships, and to point out along the way how some of them get worse because of the way men generally approach them.
He introduces himself as the author of two New York Times best-selling books on confidence and relationships, and says he has coached people for nearly two decades through the channel, live retreats, and a coaching program. He announces "four things" that matter for making friends as an adult. The video covers three of them before closing and says there is much more to discuss.
Point One: Become a Great "Friendship Closer"
The first obstacle Hussey identifies is embarrassment. Adults can feel deeply uncomfortable being seen looking for friends. On the first day of school, trying to make friends was socially acceptable. By adulthood, most people feel they are supposed to have "found our people" already.
He thinks this explains why making friends on vacation feels so much easier. In an unfamiliar hotel, outside normal life, people talk to the diners at the next table, have a ten-minute conversation, wonder if they've just become best friends, and happily agree to have breakfast together the next morning. Doing the same thing with someone where you live, he jokes, "would seem mental."
His answer is to become a "friendship closer." He says this isn't complicated but takes some bravery. If you've had a great conversation with someone, or several pleasant exchanges with someone you keep seeing in the same place over days or weeks, make a habit of saying something like "We should stay in touch" or "We should hang out sometime." He stresses that it doesn't need to be more specific than that at this stage. The goal is simply a way to keep the conversation going "without you needing fate to bring you back together."
He expects some viewers, particularly men who feel they "couldn't possibly do that as a man talking to another man," to find this too scary. He points them to his later section on vulnerability.
Point Two: The Follow-Up
The second key is following up. This applies whether you've just gotten someone's number or you've run into someone for the fifth time and have had their number all along without ever hanging out. Hussey believes pride is often what stops people. They would rather let the other person make the first move, or seem aloof by waiting three weeks before texting.
He says following up "cements the connection." It doesn't have to be an immediate plan, though there's nothing wrong with one. It can just be a message saying it was great running into them and you appreciated the conversation. Or it can go a step further, such as inviting them on a hike you're taking that week.
He also sets a limit. If a follow-up doesn't lead anywhere, don't force it. There is "a fine line between being a friendship closer and a friendship stalker" who keeps pushing someone who is resisting. If the person says they're busy or can't make it this week, he suggests handing the ball back with something like "No worries, let me know when you've got some space." Or text them a few months later to ask how they've been, and leave it to them to propose something this time.
Hussey says it is "crazy" how many friendships never happen because neither person follows up. He sees an opportunity in that: because most people don't follow up, doing this one thing makes it easy to stand out and build stronger connections than others do.
Point Three: Vulnerability as the "Master Key"
The third point is aimed especially at people who struggle to be brave, and at men worried about looking weird. Hussey says none of the earlier advice works without vulnerability. Following up and trying to meet will probably fail if no real connection formed in the first place, and he argues a real connection requires being willing to be a little vulnerable.
He calls vulnerability a "master key" and says it can be simple: when someone asks how you're doing, answer with something beneath the surface. He gives a personal example. Someone recently asked how he was doing as a new dad. Along with the things that were amazing about it, he admitted that because he hadn't been able to work out as much as usual, his confidence and mental health had been affected a little, and it had been an adjustment. He points out that this isn't pouring out his soul or his trauma. It's "just being a person," and he says people love people when they actually get to see them.
Accepting the Unrequited "Friendship Crush"
Hussey says a large part of vulnerability is accepting that things won't always go your way. Sometimes you'll have a "friendship crush" on someone you're sure you should be close with, because you have a lot in common, you like how their mind works, and you admire and respect them. And the feeling isn't returned. They shun you, give you nothing back, or never seem to want to meet when you suggest times.
He acknowledges this is painful. He argues the same rule applies here as in romance: you might have an idea of what the relationship should be, but a friendship has to be with someone who is actually available for one.
The Extra Layer Men Face
Hussey then turns to what he sees as additional challenges for "certain kinds of men." He is careful to say women face similar feelings. They can feel awkward, weird, uncool, or embarrassed trying to make friends, and they can feel shunned too. For many men, though, there's an extra layer: they are trying to connect with other men.
A man who wants to be open and vulnerable may not have the right men around him right now. Hussey says plenty of men are available for this kind of friendship. He knows because he has spent his adult life building friendships with men who are "open and warm and vulnerable." But he says not every man has that, and many are surrounded by men who are "really stunted" in this area.
He says there is truth to the idea that many female friendships are more enriching and supportive than many male ones. His example is his wife, Audrey. After a long day she can call a friend, say she's tired, ask what they're up to, and have a conversation that "will put energy back in the tank for both of them." He says he has friendships like that with men, but a lot of men don't have anyone they could call tonight just to check in or talk about their feelings, and they would feel awkward doing it. In his view, the "activation energy" for men to do this is often much higher.
He also describes a common pattern: men meet up around an activity like a sport or business, spend the whole time on that pretext, and never connect about what is actually happening in each other's lives.
"He's Fine": The Cost of Shallow Male Friendships
Hussey illustrates this with a comic scenario he says most women will recognize. A man comes home from seeing his friend Jeff. His partner asks how Jeff is, and he says, "Yeah, he's fine." Hussey exaggerates for effect: Jeff's whole family was eaten by bears last week and he had to be airlifted from a treetop, yet the answer is "he's fine," because "it didn't come up."
He finds an irony here. He thinks men may never feel closer to women than when they genuinely try to befriend other men and end up with the same complaints women have about men: two-word replies, no reciprocal vulnerability, and getting very little back when trying to hang out.
He links this to larger consequences. In his view, it helps explain why men have higher rates of depression after divorce, and why women end up carrying so much of the emotional labor in relationships with men. Men often rely heavily on their spouses as their primary, sometimes only, source of emotional support, while being unprepared to give that kind of support themselves. That, he says, is why many women who date men wish those men had deeper friendships of their own.
An Unfinished Conversation
Hussey closes by acknowledging the video can't solve all of this. He says he has much more to say and made enough notes for an hour-long video. Instead of a final conclusion, he asks viewers about their own experience: whether they have prioritized friendships in their lives, or whether friendship is something they now want to invest in more. He frames it as an important conversation he intends to continue in the comments.
So I know a lot of people watch this channel because they want to find love, but there is something that we have to talk about right now, and that is friendship. Now of course friendship is inextricably linked to love. For one thing, having a strong foundation of friends gives us the kind of confidence and the stability that makes us more attractive when we date, but also because friendship makes it possible to be happy even when we don't date.
And it's not just happiness that it affects, it's health. A huge meta-analysis showed that people with strong social relationships had a 50% increased chance of survival compared with those with weak social ties. In case you didn't catch that, that means that real friendships increase your odds of survival by 50%.
The concept of the loneliness epidemic has had huge attention in recent years, and everyone in particular has especially had something to say about the male loneliness epidemic. Some people say it's self-inflicted, and that the loneliness stems from men's own behaviors and choices rather than external systemic factors. Internalized norms like repressing emotions and neglecting platonic friendships cause men to become isolated as adults. But a lot of people also highlight that women too are lonely, as a growing number of women are now single and navigating life alone for the first time in history, but that their loneliness has not gotten the attention it deserves.
I want to talk about the real struggles we all have in making friends as adults, and along the way I'll highlight how some of these struggles are exacerbated by the way that men in general approach them.
I'm Matthew Hussey. I've written two New York Times best-selling books on confidence and human relationships, and I have coached millions of people around the world for nearly two decades through this channel, my live retreats, and my love life coaching program. Subscribe and like this video, and let's get started.
So let's talk about four things I believe are really important to making friends as an adult. Number one, become a great friendship closer. We can feel deeply uncomfortable being seen to be looking for friendship. On our first day of school, it felt socially acceptable to be trying to make new friends, but that was a long time ago now. For most of us, we feel like by this point in our life, we are supposed to have found our people.
I think this is why when we go on vacation, it feels way easier to make friends because we're not in our normal life. We're in some random hotel that we don't normally go to. So of course we'll go and talk to the people next to us at dinner. Why wouldn't we? We'll have a 10-minute conversation with them and then be like, "Did we just become best friends?" "Oh my God. Well, I guess the most logical thing for us to do is to have breakfast tomorrow morning together." Imagine doing that to someone where you live. It would seem mental.
But the truth is, we can do a better job of making friends where we live by becoming a great friendship closer. Now this part isn't that complicated. It just requires a little bravery. If you've had a great conversation with someone, or you've had several really nice exchanges with someone that you keep seeing in the same place over days or weeks, get into the habit of saying to that person, "We should stay in touch." Or, "You know what? We should hang out sometime." It doesn't really need to get any more specific than that at this stage. All you're really looking for is to have a way of staying in touch so that the conversation can continue without you needing fate to bring you back together.
If you are someone who thinks that they can't do this because it just feels really scary, or if you're a man watching this and you're like, "I couldn't possibly do that as a man talking to another man," stick around for the last point in this video about vulnerability.
The second key to adult friendships is the follow-up. Whether you just got someone's number, or you just bumped into them for the fifth time, but you already have their number, you just never hung out before, follow up. It is often pride that stops us from following up. We prefer to let someone else make the first move, or to look aloof, and bump into someone and then text them three weeks from now. But following up cements the connection.
You don't always have to follow up immediately to make a plan, although there's nothing wrong with that, but you could just follow up to say, "It was great running into you, man. Really appreciate the conversation." Or you could go a step further and be like, "I'm going on a hike this week if you want to join."
Now if that doesn't lead to something, don't force it. There's a fine line between being a friendship closer and a friendship stalker, trying constantly to make something happen with someone who is resisting. If someone tells you they're busy or they can't this week, just put the ball back in their court. "No worries, let me know when you've got some space." Or you can text them a few months from now and be like, "Hey, how have you been?" But put the ball in their court to propose something this time.
It is crazy how many friendships never happen because neither person follows up. Most people don't follow up in life. The beauty of that is that it's really easy to stand out and build better connections than other people do if you do that one simple thing.
I know we are talking about friendship in this video today. I also know many of you are watching this video dating right now, and there's someone that you're in a situationship with and it's not progressing. I just want to take a moment to tell you about something we have available for all of you who are looking for real commitment. It is called From Situationship to Commitment because it is designed to give you a structure, a way of having a conversation with that person that actually graduates it to a committed relationship.
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Back to the video. The third key to making friends as an adult, and this is especially relevant if you're someone who struggles to be brave, or if you're a guy watching this and you're like, "I just struggle to not look weird, or I'm afraid I'm going to look weird," is the importance of vulnerability. None of what I have said will work unless we can be vulnerable.
And by the way, following up and trying to meet up with someone probably won't work if you didn't make a real connection when you were with someone. And for a connection to happen, we have to be prepared to be a little vulnerable with someone. Vulnerability is a master key, and it happens when someone does something simple like asks us how we're doing, and we respond with something beneath the surface.
So someone recently asked me how I'm doing as a new dad. And amidst talking about the things that were amazing about it, I also admitted to the fact that because I haven't been able to work out as much as I normally do, it's affected my confidence and my mental health a little bit, and that it's been an adjustment. Now that's vulnerable. It's not me pouring out my soul or my trauma, it's just being a person, and people love people when they actually get to see them.
Now a big part of vulnerability is accepting that things won't always go our way. There will be times where we have a friendship crush on somebody who we really believe we should be good friends with because we have so much in common, and you like the way their mind works, and you admire them and respect them, and that friendship is unrequited. You try and they shun you, or they don't give you anything back, or you suggest times to meet and they never seem to want to. And while that is painful and hard, we have to remember the same rule applies to friendships as it does romantic relationships, that we might have an idea of what this relationship should be, but a friendship has to be with someone who is actually available for one.
I think it's worth saying that all of this carries additional challenges for certain kinds of men. I'm not saying this isn't true of women too. Women can feel awkward making friends. Women can feel weird. Women can feel uncool trying to make friends, or embarrassed, or call people and feel like they got shunned. But there's an additional layer for a lot of men that they're dealing with other men.
And if you're a guy who wants to be open and vulnerable and make friends, you might not have the right men around you for that right now. There are plenty of men, by the way, who are available for this, and I know this because I've spent my adult life cultivating friendships with other men who are open and warm and vulnerable. But not all men have that right now, and a lot of men are dealing with men who are really stunted when it comes to this.
There is a truth to the idea that many female relationships are inherently more enriching and offer more support than a lot of male friendships do. I know that my wife Audrey can call up friends at the end of the day after a very long day and just say, "Hey, I'm tired and this and that. What are you up to? How are you doing?" And they'll have a conversation, and that conversation will put energy back in the tank for both of them.
I have friendships like that with other men, but a lot of guys don't. A lot of guys do not have a guy that they can call tonight and just talk about their feelings and be like, "I just wanted to call just to see how you were, or just to chat." They will feel awkward in doing that. So the activation energy for men to do this is often way higher.
I also know that many men get together around an activity, whether it's a sport, or business, or they'll get together with the pretext of having this reason to get together and then they'll spend their whole time focused on whatever that pretext is and don't actually connect on anything that's going on in any of those men's lives.
Most women have had the experience of being with a man who went off to see a friend and then that man comes back and she says, "You saw Jeff? Oh my God. How is he?" And he says, "Yeah, he's fine." "He's fine? What? He's fine? His entire family were eaten by bears last week. They had to airlift Jeff from the top of a tree. What do you mean he's fine?" "Yeah, I don't know, it didn't come up."
Ironically, I don't think men will ever feel closer to women than when they are genuinely trying to make friends with other guys and coming away with some of the same complaints that women have about men. Two-word replies, a lack of reciprocal vulnerability, trying to hang out and getting very little back.
And all of this makes it easier to understand why men not only experience higher rates of depression after divorce, but why women end up feeling so much of the emotional labor in relationships with men. It's because men often end up relying heavily on their spouses as their primary, sometimes only emotional support while being unprepared and ill-equipped to provide that kind of emotional support to someone else themselves, which is what makes many women who date men wish that those men had deeper friendships themselves.
Now, we are obviously not going to solve all of this in one video. I have way more to say. This could have been an hour-long video with the amount of notes I made, but let's first hear from you. What is your experience of making friends as an adult? Are you someone who has prioritized friendships in your life or are they something that you feel like you now want to invest in more at this point in your life? Leave me a comment. I will be reading. I'm excited to continue this conversation. It's an important one. I'll be in the comments.
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