Teaching People How to Treat You: Standards as a Source of Respect and Attraction in Dating
Matthew Hussey
Anyone who is actively dating has likely run into behavior that leaves them confused, anxious, or hurt. Matthew Hussey describes several familiar versions. Someone seems mutually attracted, then their behavior changes and your efforts start to feel taken for granted. Someone in the early stages communicates inconsistently, so you keep wondering whether they like you as much as you first thought. Someone disappears and then reaches out again as if nothing happened. Hussey's position is that in all of these cases, "we teach other people how to treat us." We do that through the message our words and actions send about our worth, through telling people what we need, and through being willing to be assertive in the right ways when a situation calls for it.
Why Standards Are So Hard to Hold
Hussey starts with why this is difficult. People want love badly, and many feel behind. Friends and family are pairing off, and there is a fear that "this is ever going to happen for me," even as finding love feels like the most important thing in the world.
He argues that this sense of scarcity makes people hold on hard to any hope from someone who shows interest. That leaves them liable to reward the wrong behavior. Someone can disappear, be inconsistent, or treat them poorly, and the only thing they really care about is keeping that person. In Hussey's view, this makes them a target for the wrong kinds of people.
Scarcity also blocks learning from experience. Hussey contrasts two internal responses to familiar bad behavior. One is: "Oh, I've seen this before. I'm not going to let this happen again." The other is: "It's another chance. I have to take it." As long as finding someone comes before one's own well-being, he says, people keep choosing the second response and "end up meeting the same person over and over again, just with a different name."
Showing Up in Ways That Make You Proud
Hussey's first proposed shift is to stop showing up to dating obsessed with whether and how you can "get" someone, and to start showing up in ways that make you proud. That means saying no where appropriate and standing up for yourself where appropriate. It also means taking risks while knowing you might get hurt, and being proud of yourself for taking them.
His reasoning is that pride builds self-liking and self-respect. As those grow, you stop wanting to be around people who treat you poorly, because you start thinking that such a person doesn't deserve to be around the person you have become proud of. Better self-regard then does the filtering on its own.
1. Recognize the Wrong Behavior as the Wrong Behavior
Hussey's first specific point is to call bad behavior what it is. He tells the story of someone he knew who was ghosted out of nowhere by the man she was dating. It hurt her badly and took her a while to get over. Weeks later, the man appeared at her doorstep at 6 a.m. Hussey says that instead of telling him to get off her porch, she invited him in and started dating him again. He then ghosted her again.
Hussey's diagnosis is that she saw a man showing up at her door at 6 a.m. after ghosting her as a romantic gesture, not as a major red flag. He suggests that many people who keep ending up with the wrong partners "could stand to be a little less romantic and a little more discerning."
He illustrates the difference with two ways someone might return. A sudden "I miss you" feels romantic. It would mean much more if the person said they would like to meet for coffee and talk about how they had behaved. Hussey says people routinely confuse what feels romantic with what signals a good teammate. In his framing, what matters is not who woos or seduces us but who is there for us. Romance is often performative, intense, and showy. Someone being there for you is grounded, safe, and consistent.
2. Standards Can Create Attraction
The second point is that standards are not only defensive. Hussey says people are so focused on standards as self-protection that they miss how much standards work "on offense." In his view, simply having a standard can change how attracted someone is to you and how hard they try. He wants viewers to feel empowered about being someone with standards, not apologetic.
The Better Question: "Do They Respect Me?"
Hussey notes that people get fixated on whether someone likes them. He calls this natural: most people have a people-pleasing streak, want to be liked, and have ego involved. But he argues "do they like me?" is often the wrong question, and that the better one is "do they respect me?"
He adds a qualification. Standards do not create compatibility. Two people can both have standards and still find they are not right for each other. But in his view, standards do equal respect.
He also warns about a catch. Doing something that earns respect can, at first, make the other person like you less, or at least annoy them. It creates friction, and that tension can feel like rejection. Hussey argues that if you are willing to choose being respected over being liked, respect leads to admiration, and admiration leads the other person to want you to like them. He describes this as flipping the script.
He also says there is no relationship in which you will not have to state your standards, and you will have to do it repeatedly, not just once.
3. People Take Their Cues From Us
The third point is that, to some extent, people get away with what they can. Hussey says we can go through life expecting the bare minimum and training people to give it, or expecting people's best and training them, and the situation, to deliver it.
His example is friendship. Most people have a friend they can be a little late, or very late, for without it mattering, and another friend they cannot be late for. The difference, he says, is the cues each friend gives about how much punctuality matters to them. He applies this to dating: it is not only a matter of good people and bad people, but of "how to train your dragon."
4. Standards Don't Have to Mean Conflict
The fourth point is a correction to how his own message is sometimes received. Hussey says one of the worst side effects of his work over the years is that people hear "standards" and become a more aggressive version of themselves when standing up for themselves. He stresses that standards do not have to mean constant confrontation or taking yourself and life too seriously. He does not want people going into dating calling out every small thing and announcing, "We need to have a conversation."
Instead, he says standards can come with warmth, kindness, and humor. He gives two examples. With someone who does not seem serious, you might say you have a great time with them and love hanging out, but you don't get the impression they are that serious or intentional about dating right now. With someone trying to take you home on the first or second date when that feels too fast, you don't need a challenge like "You don't really think you could take me home on the first date, do you?" You can say, "As gorgeous as you are, um, I just don't move that fast."
The Bliss Point
Hussey calls this balance the "bliss point" of standards and communication. He borrows the term from the food industry, where he says it names the ideal balance of salty and sweet that keeps people wanting more. His examples are Nutella and kettle corn, which people can't get enough of because of that ratio. He argues there is a similar balance of "salty and sweet" in communication that keeps someone wanting more of you, if you know how to speak that way.
Standards as a Language
Hussey closes by describing standards as a language that has to be learned and that people will need throughout their lives. In his words, you are "only one text or one date away" from needing to know how to communicate your value the right way. His overall argument is that the treatment people get in dating depends heavily on what they recognize, reward, and communicate, and that this communication works best when it is firm about what matters and warm in how it is delivered.
If you are actively looking for love, trying to meet someone and brave enough to date, chances are you have encountered behavior that has left you confused, anxious, or just hurt. Maybe you met someone you were attracted to, and they seem to be attracted to you, too, but their behavior changed at some point, and now you feel your efforts are being taken for granted. Maybe you're dating someone in the early stages whose communication is inconsistent, and it leaves you constantly questioning if they like you as much as you originally thought they did. Or maybe you're dealing with someone who disappears and then reaches out again as if nothing happened.
Whatever is the case, one thing is for sure. We teach other people how to treat us. We do this through our ability to send a strong message about our worth through our words and actions, educating people on our needs, and being unafraid to be assertive in the right ways when the situation calls for it.
Now, let's start with why this is so hard to do in the first place. We want love so badly. You might relate to the feeling of being behind. That feeling of all of your friends and family pairing off. That feeling of, "I don't know if this is ever going to happen for me." And yet, it feels like it's the most important thing in the world. And when we're coming from this place, this place of scarcity about it happening, we attach hard to any hope we get from someone who likes us.
And when we do that, it makes us liable to reward the wrong behavior because someone can disappear, be inconsistent, treat us poorly, and the only thing we really care about is holding on to them. That makes us a target for the wrong types of people. And as long as we prioritize finding someone over our own well-being, we run the risk of never actually learning from our mistakes. Instead of meeting someone and seeing some behaviors we don't like or appreciate, and then saying to ourselves, "Oh, I've seen this before. I'm not going to let this happen again," we think to ourselves, "It's another chance. I have to take it." So, you end up meeting the same person over and over again, just with a different name.
One of the ways to solve this is to stop showing up in our love lives obsessed with whether we can get someone or not and how to get someone, and to start showing up in ways that make us proud. Saying no where appropriate. Standing up for ourselves where appropriate. Taking risks even though we know we might get hurt, but being proud of ourselves for taking the risk in the first place. Because when we start making ourselves proud, we start liking ourselves more. We start having more respect for ourselves. And then we don't even want to put ourselves around people who don't treat us well because we start thinking, "This person doesn't deserve to be around this person that I'm proud of."
What are some other things we can do if we want to start getting the right treatment in dating? Number one, start recognizing the wrong behavior as the wrong behavior. I knew someone who was dating someone who out of nowhere ghosted her. It really, really hurt her. It took her a while to get over it. And then weeks later, out of nowhere, he just showed up at her doorstep at 6 a.m. Instead of looking at that and going, "Get off my porch," she said, "Come in." And she started dating him again. And then he did it again. The problem is she didn't see him showing up at her door at 6 a.m. after ghosting her as a massive red flag. She chose to see it as a romantic gesture.
Many of us who keep ending up with the wrong people could stand to be a little less romantic and a little more discerning. When someone suddenly comes back to us and says, "I miss you," it feels romantic. But it's much more powerful if someone came back and said to us, "Hey, I'd love to meet up for a coffee and talk about the way I behaved." We routinely confuse what feels romantic with what signifies a good teammate. It is not about who woos us and seduces us. It's about who's there for us. Romance is often performative. It is intense. It is showy. But someone being there for us, that's grounded. It feels safe. There is a consistency to it. So, number one, recognize the wrong behavior as the wrong behavior.
Number two, remember that having standards for the way that you're treated isn't just a way of protecting yourself. Standards can actually create attraction. We get so preoccupied with the idea of standards being a defensive act, a way of protecting ourselves, that we don't realize the extent to which standards actually serve as an offensive act. Just having a standard actually can change how attracted someone is to you. It can change how hard someone tries. So this is what I mean by standards aren't just playing defense. They're actually playing offense. They're actually a tool to create more attraction. So, you should feel very empowered about being someone who has standards.
We get very obsessed in life with whether someone likes us. And that's natural. Most of us have a people-pleasing streak. We want to be liked. Our ego gets into the equation. But "Do they like me?" is often not the right question. The better question is, "Do they respect me?" And while standards don't create compatibility—you can have standards and still realize you're not right for each other—standards do equal respect.
Now, here's the catch. When we do something that gets us respect from someone, it can initially make them like us less or at least get annoyed with us. It can create friction. And when there's tension, when there's the friction of us doing something that gets us respected, it can feel like someone doesn't like us. But if we're willing to choose being respected over being liked, what we'll come to realize is that respect leads to admiration. Admiration leads to someone wanting to be liked by you. It flips the script.
While we're on this subject, it is worth saying there is no relationship on earth where you are not going to have to speak your standards. Not once, but over and over again. Matthew AI is designed to help you know what to say and what to do in all of these situations. The right advice in the right moment can mean the difference between losing someone, getting stuck in a really toxic situation for too long and wasting your time, or finally creating the healthy, loving, committed relationship you have always wanted with someone.
And Matthew AI's advice is not generic. It's built on 18 years of my courses, my content, my speeches. So, when you get Matthew AI's answer, you're getting my answer. The great news is that right now we have a Black Friday offer on Matthew AI where I am giving it to you for two weeks for free on a trial. You can cancel your trial at any time, but this is an extraordinary time to get on board with Matthew AI. You can use it as much as you want in those two weeks. See what it does for you. Go try it. AskMH.com is the link to go and get that Black Friday offer. It is only available until December the 3rd. Back to the video.
The third point I want to make about standards is that to some extent people get away with what they can. It's a matter of people taking their cues from us. We can either be the person who goes through life expecting the bare minimum, training people to give us the bare minimum, or the person who goes through life expecting people's best and training them, training the situation to give us their best. Don't you have the friend that you can be a little late for, or a lot late for, and it doesn't really matter, and then the friend who you can't be late for? What's the difference? The difference is the cues they give you about how much punctuality matters to them. So it is not just a matter of good people and bad people in dating. It is a matter of how to train your dragon.
Number four, standards do not have to mean conflict. I often think that one of the worst side effects of my work over time is that people hear me say the word standards and they start to become almost a more aggressive version of themselves when they stand up for themselves. But standards don't have to mean confrontation all the time. They don't have to mean you suddenly start taking yourself and life too seriously. I don't want you to go into dating picking people up on every little thing they do and saying, "We need to have a conversation." Standards can be delivered with warmth. They can be delivered with kindness. They can be delivered with a sense of humor.
You can say, "I have a great time with you. Hanging out with you is the best. I just don't get the impression that you're that serious right now or that you're being that intentional in your dating life right now." Someone might be trying to take you home on the second date or the first date and you don't want to do that because it's too fast for you. You don't have to say, "You don't really think you could take me home on the first date, do you?" You can say, "As gorgeous as you are, I just don't move that fast."
And this is what I call the bliss point of standards and communication. The food industry has a term called the bliss point for the optimal level of salty and sweet that makes you keep wanting more of something. Think Nutella, think kettle corn. You can't get enough of it. You don't get satiated because of that ratio of salty to sweet. Well, there is an optimal ratio of salty and sweet that makes someone keep wanting more of you if you know how to communicate in that way.
To that effect, standards is a language. It's a language we need to learn. And we're going to need it all the time in our lives. You are only one text or one date away from needing to know how to communicate your value the right way. If you want my help with that, Matthew AI can be that for you in helping you troubleshoot how to react, what to say, and how to read a situation when it comes up. I don't want you to get to the next one and be like, "What should I do?" I want you to have this tool at your fingertips. You can try it at AskMH.com. And if you get there and you love it, take me up on the Black Friday offer of two weeks for free as a trial while it's available for Black Friday until December the 3rd.
Thank you so much for watching this video. Leave me a comment. Let me know what you thought and I will see you next time.
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