Three Kinds of Compliments Men Remember for Years, According to Matthew Hussey's Followers
Matthew Hussey
Dating coach Matthew Hussey, who says he has been helping people with their love lives for almost 20 years, set aside the more nuanced modern-dating topics he had been covering to do something he called "back to basics." He asked his 2.4 million Instagram followers to message him with a favorite compliment they had received from a woman they had dated, one that "stuck." He said the responses were "sweet and vulnerable" and reminded him "why I love men."
Hussey sorted the replies into three categories and ordered them by when in a relationship each type is appropriate to give. He also offered his own view of why each type lands.
Why a Single Compliment Can Stay With a Man
Hussey's central premise is that men are "often compliment deprived." Because they rarely receive compliments, he argues, they remember the ones they do get "for ages, sometimes a lifetime."
To illustrate this, he retold a story from his producer. She once lived in New York City above a bodega. While paying for groceries one day, she told the clerk, "I like your hoodie. That color looks great on you." On her next visit he was wearing the same hoodie over a T-shirt. He wore it again the time after that, and on visit after visit. Eventually she remarked on how much he seemed to love it. He replied lightheartedly that he remembered her complimenting his style, and that he had never been complimented on his style before, "or complimented on anything, really."
Some of the Instagram replies made the same point more bluntly. One man wrote that he didn't remember the last time he'd received a nice word from a woman. Another wrote: "Haven't received a compliment yet, 21 years so far."
Category One: Competency Compliments
The first category Hussey identified was compliments about how competent a man is. Some of these were about specific skills. He read out examples: "You actually sing very good," "I really like that thing you cooked," and "I'm proud you're a writer."
Other competency compliments had nothing to do with an obvious talent. Instead they recognized how a man handles life. Hussey shared a second story from his producer. At an event in New York, she was chatting with a man when a passing waiter accidentally spilled red wine on his white shirt. He didn't make a scene. He told the waiter, "It's okay, I didn't like this shirt anyway," and laughed it off. Impressed, she told him, "That was really smooth. I like how you handled that." She then added that she knew a great dry cleaner, and that is how they ended up exchanging numbers.
Hussey noted that this type of compliment doesn't require waiting. As in his producer's case, it can be given within minutes of meeting someone.
He offered his own explanation for why these compliments matter so much. Most people don't have a remarkable skill they can show off on demand, like cooking, playing piano, or singing. Their admirable qualities are subtler and often overlooked. When someone notices them, Hussey said, "we feel recognized for the things that we have worked on in ourselves," for the small but significant ways we have separated ourselves "from the pack." In his view, the person who perceives this "instantly becomes special to us."
He said this category also covers appreciation of effort, for example when a man plans a nice date, sends a song he thought she'd like, or bookmarks a page in a book he gives as a gift. Examples included "I like how thoughtful your gifts are," "I like how much planning you put into that," and "I like how attentive you are." Hussey stressed that he hadn't invented any of these; all were real compliments men reported receiving. He pointed out a side benefit: such compliments reward behavior you like, and people who feel rewarded tend to repeat it.
Other examples in this category included a man who was told he was "extremely intelligent and smart" and that she found this very attractive, and the line "I love the way you talk and express yourself," which Hussey singled out as one he would personally want to hear. He also highlighted "You just seem really competent" for its simplicity.
Category Two: Energy Compliments
Hussey warned that the second category "is not date two stuff." He suggested holding off until around month four, or perhaps month two if things are going well and the couple sees each other often.
He said every compliment in this category is a variation on one phrase: "You make me feel safe." He said he has recommended it in several earlier videos, including one of his most popular, and that it comes up every time he asks his male followers which compliments meant the most to them. This round's replies included "You make me feel safe and calm," "I feel safe with you," and "I've never felt this safe." One man shared a variation Hussey found especially interesting. A woman who had lived in a new house for two and a half years told him he made her "feel at home in her home."
Hussey acknowledged that a woman might not react the same way to hearing this. For many men, he argued, it speaks to a "very stereotypically masculine desire": to feel strong, to feel that their energy has a powerful effect on the person they love, and to feel they have succeeded at what society taught them they should do, which is make the people they love feel safe.
What ties these compliments together, according to Hussey, is that they go beyond describing what a man is. They describe the effect he has on you. He contrasted telling a quiet introvert "You're a really calm person" with telling them "You make me feel calm."
Category Three: Acceptance Compliments
The third category grows out of what Hussey called the "mixed and toxic messages" society sends men about what women want. He cited influencers who claim women want a man who is six feet tall, earns six figures, and has six-pack abs. He said that even when women say they don't care about these things, "portions of society" have convinced men otherwise. He also mentioned "looksmaxxing," which he described as rooted in a "nihilistic, utterly cynical belief" that a man's looks are the only thing that matters. Even at the "more sane end of the spectrum," he said, men keep hearing that they must be rich enough, bulletproof enough, and handsome enough just to survive modern dating.
Given that backdrop, Hussey said it was no surprise that many of the most common replies centered on being enough. Men reported hearing "You're enough and I want you the way you are right now" and "You are enough." One man said of the latter, "It broke me." Another was told he was "easy to love." In Hussey's reading, these compliments tell a man: "I see you, all of you, and you are enough."
He also gave a timing caveat. Said too early, this kind of compliment can sound patronizing or like "playing the therapist," a role he said is not good to take on. Several months in, after emotional intimacy has developed, he believes it can be "incredibly powerful."
How the Three Categories Fit Together
Hussey summarized his framework this way:
- Competence compliments recognize men for what they have worked on.
- Energy compliments reward men for how they make someone feel.
- Acceptance compliments reward men for who they are.
The Objection: "His Ego Got Too Big"
Hussey anticipated that some viewers would vow never to compliment a man again, because the last time they did, the man's ego swelled, he decided he could do better, ghosted them, and pursued other women. His response was that such a reaction reveals the other person's insecurity and low self-esteem far more than it shows that complimenting is a mistake.
He reframed the right stance as complimenting someone "as a peer," not as a fan looking up to them. He called it "talent recognizing talent."
What Makes a Compliment the Best Kind
Hussey closed by saying the best compliments do one of two things. They reflect back something a person values in themselves but that is often overlooked, or they reveal something the person hadn't seen in themselves or hadn't known was special. Speaking as a man, he said men can't count on the next person they meet being that perceptive or seeing them "in such a beautiful light." He ended with a metaphor: men are "multifaceted objects," and the right person for them is the one who holds that object up to the light at the angle that makes it shine brightest.
If you've been watching my videos this year, and you better have been, you'll know that we have been digging into nuanced topics in modern dating, because there has never been more contradictory information out there about finding love and keeping it. But today, I wanted to go back to basics and have a little fun.
So, today's video is a wholesome little romp through the mind of men. I asked my 2.4 million followers on Instagram to DM me with one of their favorite compliments that they have ever received from a woman they have dated. One that stuck. The answers came pouring in, and they reminded me of why I love men. They were sweet and vulnerable.
So, I have taken these responses and put them in chronological order in terms of when is the right time to give them in dating, and I will be serving them up to you today as a delectable three-course compliment tasting menu. Hey, isn't that Daniel Radcliffe?
By the way, I'm Matthew Hussey. I've been helping people with their love lives and relationships for almost 20 years, and I've learned a lot in the process. I share it here on this channel. So, if you're feeling inclined to give me a compliment today, and you better, like this video and subscribe to the channel, and let's get started.
When I was developing this video, my producer told me a story about when she was living in New York City above a bodega. One day, she was at the shop paying for some groceries, and she said to the clerk, "I like your hoodie. That color looks great on you." The next time she went in, she noticed he had the same hoodie on over a T-shirt. And then the next time she went in, he was wearing it again. And then the next time, and the next one, and eventually she said to him, "I see you love that hoodie a lot. You're wearing it again." He lightheartedly replied, "Well, I remember you complimenting my style, and I've never been complimented on my style before, or complimented on anything, really."
This story illustrates the point that men don't get complimented as often as women. They are often compliment deprived. So, when they do get a rare compliment, they remember it for ages, sometimes a lifetime. Some of the responses to my Instagram prompt were, "I don't remember the last time I received a nice word from a woman." Another reply read, "Haven't received a compliment yet, 21 years so far."
So, what are the compliments that stand out to men? The ones that make both the compliment and the person who said it so memorable. Number one, competency compliments.
One category of compliments that emerged from my question were compliments that had to do with how competent a man is. In some cases, that competence focused on a specific skill. "You actually sing very good." "I really like that thing you cooked." "I'm proud you're a writer." In other cases, it had nothing to do with an obvious skill set. It was more of a recognition of a way that he was good at handling life.
In another story my producer shared with me, she was at an event in New York, and there was a guy she was chatting to. A waiter walked past him and accidentally spilled red wine on his white shirt as he was walking by. Now, instead of a big reaction, this guy said to the waiter, "It's okay, I didn't like this shirt anyway," and laughed it off. Now, my producer was impressed by this calm reaction, so she looked at him and said, "That was really smooth. I like how you handled that."
Side note, by the way, in this story, she then said, "I know a great dry cleaner." And they ended up exchanging numbers that way. The old dry cleaner close. Nice.
Now, these kind of compliments you don't need to wait a long time to give someone. You could, as in the example of my producer in New York, simply give it within minutes of meeting someone. I think part of why these compliments mean so much is that we don't all have this obvious remarkable skill that we can flaunt in a moment, whether it's as a cook or a pianist or a singing voice that we can bust out whenever the occasion arises.
We might have admirable qualities or ways of dealing with things that are more subtle and often overlooked by people. In these little moments, we feel recognized for the things that we have worked on in ourselves, for the tiny but significant ways that we have separated ourselves from the pack in the way that we move through life. And the person who perceives this about us instantly becomes special to us.
These compliments can also take the form of appreciating the effort that someone has put into something. If someone planned a nice date or sent you a song they thought you'd like or bookmarked a page in a book that they wanted you to read when they gifted that book to you. You can say, "I like how thoughtful your gifts are." Or, "I like how much planning you put into that." Or, "I like how attentive you are." I didn't make any of these up. These are all real compliments men sent to me from women they've dated.
As an aside, these compliments also have the benefit of rewarding the behavior you like in another person. And when people feel rewarded for things, they tend to double down on those things and do them again.
Some of the other compliments men mentioned in this category were, "Someone told me I'm extremely intelligent and smart and it is so sexy for her." "I love the way you talk and express yourself." I love that one. I really love that one. I would want to hear that one. Audrey! Or this one I really liked for its simplicity. "You just seem really competent."
God, thank you, Matt. That is so sweet.
No, David, it's for the video.
You're going to use this in the video? That's so nice.
No, David, I wasn't talking to you.
Oh my God, dude, you are really good at that. Just knowing exactly what someone needs in their day and then doing it. Honestly, while I have you, can I ask you something, honestly?
Sure.
Okay, all right. So, I have this friend, right? And she's dating this guy, and they have a beautiful connection, right? Great chemistry. She gives him all these compliments all the time, and it looks like it's working, but then it just doesn't progress from this kind of casual spot.
Okay, well, I can't answer that right now, obviously, because we're in the middle of shooting a video, but has she been to NoMoreCasual.com?
NoMoreCasual.com?
NoMoreCasual.com is a free training guide where I give an exact conversation you can have with someone who isn't committing. The guide is called From Situationship to Commitment because it literally is about a conversation you can have that helps someone get out of their own way and finally commit to the relationship. So, she should go there.
Okay, let me write that down. NoMoreCasual.com.
Okay. Tell her that's my best piece of advice on that subject in one place, and it's free.
That's great.
Okay, I can get on with filming now?
Yeah, yeah.
Because I really need to get on to compliment number two.
You want to give me a second compliment? Oh, yeah. All right, if you want to. That's really nice, but go ahead.
Compliment number two. Energy compliments. Oh, boy. Okay, this one is not date two stuff. So, please don't go saying any of what I'm about to say until month four. Maybe month two if things are going really well and you're seeing a lot of each other.
All of the compliments I'm about to share with you are a variation on one powerful phrase: "You make me feel safe," which I have said across several videos in the past, and my God, do I keep feeling validated for this one. I even mentioned it on one of my most popular videos on this channel. You say to a man, "I feel so safe whenever I'm around you." Every time I ask my male followers what compliments meant the most to them, this comes up.
So, here are some specific responses men sent to me this time round when it came to energy compliments. "You make me feel safe and calm." "I feel safe with you." "I've never felt this safe." And this one was kind of interesting. "She lived in a new house for two and a half years. She told me I made her feel at home in her home."
Now, if you're a woman and someone said this to you, it might not hit the same way it does for a man. For many men, it speaks to that very stereotypically masculine desire to feel strong, to feel his energy has a powerful impact on you, and to have succeeded in doing what society has taught him he is supposed to do, which is to make the people he loves feel safe.
What connects all of these compliments is that they are not just you complimenting something he is. They go a step further by saying the effect that has on you. It is the difference between telling a quiet introvert, "You're a really calm person," and saying to them, "You make me feel calm."
All right, let's get on to compliment number three.
Three compliments?
Acceptance compliments. Society gives men a lot of mixed and toxic messages about what women want. There are influencers who say that women want a man who's six feet tall, makes six figures, and has six-pack abs. Even if women say that they don't care about those things, that's what portions of society have men believing right now.
This kind of rhetoric has even given rise to what's called looksmaxxing, which is rooted in the nihilistic, utterly cynical belief that for a man, literally the only thing that matters is how good-looking you are. The result, even at the more sane end of the spectrum, is the repeated message that men have to show up rich enough, bulletproof enough, and handsome enough just to survive modern dating.
It is no surprise then that so many of the most common responses I got from men was a variation around being enough. Here's what men told me that women said to them that stuck. "You're enough and I want you the way you are right now." "You are enough." "It broke me," one man said. "I'm easy to love." These compliments tell him, "Hey, I see you, all of you, and you are enough."
Now, saying this too early in dating can come off as patronizing or like you're playing the therapist, which is not a good role to play. But, later down the line, several months in, when emotional intimacy has been built, it can be incredibly powerful.
The way I think about all of these three categories of compliments is that the first kind, competence compliments, recognizes men for what they've worked on. The second kind, energy compliments, reward men for how they make someone feel. And the third kind, acceptance compliments, reward men for who they are.
Now, some of you might be watching this and thinking, "I am never complimenting a man. The last time I did that, his ego got so big, he thought he could do better, and then he ghosted me and started trying to pursue other women." If someone's reaction to you complimenting them is to do that, it speaks way more to their level of insecurity and low self-esteem than it does to the fact that complimenting someone is a bad thing to do.
Remember, you are not complimenting someone as a fan looking up to them. You're complimenting them as a peer. You are talent recognizing talent. And the best compliments, they either do one of two things. They either reflect back at us something we value in ourselves, but is often overlooked, or they show us something about ourselves we hadn't seen ourselves, or didn't even know was special.
And as men, we can't rely on the fact that the next person we meet is going to be this perceptive about us, or is going to see us in such a beautiful light. Men are multifaceted objects, and the right person for them is the one that comes along and holds that object up to the light at an angle that makes it shine the brightest in all of its iridescent glory.
Let me know the best compliment you have ever received or given, or if you feel inclined, leave me a compliment about this video in the comments, and I will see you in my next one.
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